4 Simple Steps to Improved Communication, 'NVC' by Marshall Rosenberg

Communication is crucial for everything in life, yet we are never taught it. I believe this book is a must-read for literally everyone, as it's one of the few (the only one I know?) that developed a clear and applicable framework for the social technology of communication.

My grade of the book: A (using the American grading system) - must-read. Like, really.

Wiki: "NVC is ostensibly taught as a process of interpersonal communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others. However, due to its far-reaching impact, has many beneficial "side effects" as a spiritual practice, as a set of values, as parenting Best Practices, as a tool for social change, as a mediation tool, as an educational orientation, and as a worldview."

The core of the book:

"What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?"

"Four components of NVC:

1. Observations: the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
2. Feelings: how we feel in relation to what we observe
3. Needs: needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
4. Requests: the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives"

"When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d."

"In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests."

"Four options for receiving negative messages:

1. Blame ourselves
2. Blame others
3. Sense our own feelings and needs
4. Sense others' feelings and needs"

Observations

"I can handle your telling me

What I did or didn't do.

And I can handle your interpretations,

But please don't mix the two.

If you want to confuse any issue,

I can tell you how to do it:

Mix together what I do 

With how you react to it."

"The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence."

Feelings

"What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause. We need to learn to take responsibility for our feelings."

Needs

"Connect your feeling with your need: "I feel … because I need ..."

"When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately."

Requests

"We express what we are requesting rather than what we are NOT requesting."

"Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs."

"My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection - a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment that our words have been understood.  Or we may be requesting honesty, or action that we hope would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met."

"Since the message we send is not always the message that's received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard."

"Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply."

Empathy

"The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing."

"When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs."

"How and when do we interrupt a dead conversation to bring it back to life? I'd suggest the time to interrupt is when we've heard one word more than we want to hear. The longer we wait, the harder it is to remain civil when we do step in. We do this by tuning in to possible feelings and needs."

"What bores the listener bores the speaker too."

"When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?"

"Don't do anything that isn't play!"

"In NVC-style conflict resolution, creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing."

1. "What do I want this person to do?

2. What do I want this person's reasons to be for doing it?"

Anger

"The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment."

"Steps to expressing anger:

1. Stop. Breathe.
2. Identify our judgemental thoughts
3. Connect with our needs.
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

Appreciation

"Appreciation has three components:

1. The actions that have contributed to our well-being
2. The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
3. The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs"

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Thanks for sticking till the end! I publish book reviews every Wednesday. Are you curious about what I do in my job as a startup CEO? We coach employees via Teams/Slack to drive agile and digital transformation, change management, learning, sales. Working with Bayer, Posti, Futurice. Winner of DigiEduHack organized by Aalto and the European Commission in the category “The Future of Work”. https://panda-training.com