Book Review: Real Self-Care, by P. Lakshmin, MD

Lakshmin, P. (2023).?Real self-care: A transformative program for redefining wellness (crystals, cleanses, and bubble baths not included). New York: Penguin Life.

Summary

Self-care is effective when it is personalized to meet one's needs. It is not a substitute for medical or mental health intervention. The author proposes four core principles for putting into action real self-care.

1.?????? Set boundaries

2.?????? Treat yourself with kindness and compassion

3.?????? Connect with your core values and goals

4.?????? Activate the power within to take control of your life

There are two parts. Part I: The Tyranny of Faux Self-Care, covers how faux self-care hasn’t saved us, why it is so easy to turn to faux self-care, and how the system is broke. In Part II: Real Self-Care is an Inside Job, the author dives deeper into the four principles of real self-care.

“Do not shy away from taking this time to learn how to look after your own well-being…I will invite you to take a close look at how you spend your time and how you talk to yourself, so you can make clear decisions about aligning your behaviors with what matters most to you” (p. xxiii).

The objective is to come away with clarity on how to develop practices that are nourishing and transforming. These same principles can and should be applied to your physical health as well.

Advantages

This book is rich with actionable tools and exercises for applying these principles. I like how she has included an appendix listing all the exercises throughout the book and also providing information on seeking professional help. Key concepts and summaries are boxed out for emphasis and easy review. There is a helpful Real Self-Care Thermometer to measure your capacity to identify and communicate your boundaries in various situations.

Disadvantages

This is not a quick read. To get the most from it, you need time to think through and implement these four principles. The activities and self-reflections can be overwhelming.

Highlights

·???????? Page xxii, “Whether it’s a full-fledged cult, a diet, or the latest fitness program, the answer to your problems is never going to be someone else telling you what to do…the answers can only come from inside you.”

·???????? Pages xxiii-xxiv, “You’ll understand why faux self-care is an empty promise that skips the critical self-driven process of developing boundaries and identifying what truly nourishes us.”

·???????? Page 85, “Setting boundaries is about recognizing you have a choice and communicating it.”

·???????? Page 86, “The tension between what you need and what other people in your life expect of you is at the core of why setting boundaries is difficult for many women…Boundaries are hard not because you can’t identify yours, but because you are worried about the backlash.”

·???????? Page 102, “In the same way we can set boundaries with people and situations, we can also set boundaries with our mind (i.e., our thoughts and our feelings)—and thus feel mental separation from overwhelming feelings of guilt.”

·???????? Page 125, “When communicating boundaries, be clear, be concise, and don’t apologize.”

·???????? Page 153, “Embodiment can look like being curious about ourselves, asking ourselves what our body needs in any given moment, and making the space to allow for that—whether it’s rest, movement, or stimulation.”

·???????? Page 171, “The clarity that comes from making a clear decision and from understanding why you are making this decision is energizing. When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care.”

·???????? Page 196, “Use your Real Self-Care Compass to help guide day-to-day decisions about how to spend your time and energy, Nd when you are contemplating bigger life decisions. When faced with a tough request from a friend or family member, turn to your Compass to remind you of where your priorities lie.”

·???????? Page 231, “The work of real self-care is to hold hope and pain together…Faux self-care keeps us treading water—worn down, tired, and hopeless. Real self-care is your life raft. And when enough of us internalize real self-care, the tide finally shifts, and we wake up to the power that’s possible.”