A Book Review: Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers By: Lois P. Frankel, PhD

From the moment we are born a set of values, beliefs and rules are introduced to us. For us to be accepted in our communities, we are required to be compliant with those sets of expectations. Back in campus, during my final year of my undergraduate studies, I took a course in gender and communication. There’s this book that was recommended (I have forgotten the title), authored by an American man. He clearly illustrated some of the characteristics of femininity (caring, loving, nurturing, etc.) and masculinity(aggressive, competitive, reliable, etc.). Well, this article isn’t about gender, but it is grounded on how these attributes affect us, especially women, later in life.?

Basically, drawing from the author’s knowledge and from my own experience, women are generally expected to be nice. Follow instructions, smile at guests, don’t be loud, obey your elders (it matters not if they are wrong/toxic/misleading) are some of the ‘nice’ traits girls are supposed to exhibit. Men somehow find a way to rebel against some of these expectations and grow above and beyond them. On the other hand, women find it difficult to detach themselves from the impeding attributions imposed on them in their girlhood. They feel the need to act nice, please people and be likable. Lois P. Frankel, PhD, brings to our attention the ‘niceness’ we are taught when we are young and tag it along with us into womanhood. She terms it as ‘mistakes women make,’ which prevent them from experiencing their full potential. The best part is that she provides coaching tips to help you navigate through those mistakes. I highlight seven of these mistakes, which are only the tip of the iceberg. I hope you get inspired to see what the root holds because it is worth it.?

1. Waiting to be given what you want

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease,” “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” The first saying emphasizes the need to speak to get what you want, whereas the second one perfectly describes how silence denies us the things we want. During my internship sometime back, holding a regional position, I realized I deserved to travel to other countries where we worked in Africa. But throughout my six months tenure, I never traveled even though there was a chance to. I continued to kill myslef at my desk in the hopes that my boss would recognize my diligence and ‘reward’ me by inviting me to one of her trips. Well, that never happened because I never asked. I have seen other women in places I have worked, also expecting to be ‘rewarded’ out of the blues. Sometimes it is not a reward, but something they want but fail to ask for it. It is as though they want the people around them to have a 7th sense that can see through their minds and address their needs. Start talking about the things you want!

2. Being financially insecure

Financial insecurity can put one into a desperate situation. This happened to me in the early years of my career. I ‘just’ wanted a job that could pay me ‘something’. It mattered not if the job was underpaying or meant me working in an unhealthy environment. I remember messaging people on LinkedIn incessantly for a job. It paid off, but looking back, it was a dark horrendous pit I would dread going back to. Lois warns against acquiescing to ridiculous job offers for the sake of paying bills. She reiterates how important it is for women to build their financial freedom. This way, even when you lose your job, you avoid becoming prey to ill employers. Furthemore, that job you desire to have should be more aligned with your values and purpose.?

3. Skipping meetings?

I know of people who have a line-up of meetings from morning to evening, two or three days in a row. Meetings can be overwhelming to both the mind and body, but skipping them should never be an option. There’s another catch to this though, you are in a meeting but remain silent the entire time (why are you even there?). Have you ever attended a meeting where the majority of the people contributing are men, until the moderator stops and says, “Now let’s also hear from the ladies.” There, right there is the problem! Maybe you want to ask a question, but you’d rather die with it ‘for fear of sounding stupid.’ Your mind could also be full of ideas, but because you lack the confidence to air them out, you whisper them to the person next to you —and guess what, they get credit for your ideas! Lois says that meetings are an opportunity for you to leverage your visibility. If you work in an environment where the team is big and you rarely interact with everyone, meetings offer you a chance to showcase your value to the organization, to make yourself memorable and to stand out.?

4. Providing too much information?

In my previous workplace, there’s a colleague whom I had no clue of her personal life. Whereas there are those I could write about their family history and everything about them. Women tend to have a challenge with drawing boundaries on what to and not to say to people (even those we think have our best interests at heart) at work. So we go dishing out information about our personal lives in plenty and people use that against us. Another place where we fill our personal lives with, is social media. Early this year I had to deactivate my Facebook account when I realized I was on the platform for the wrong reasons. You have probably heard of personal branding, which Lois elaborates in her book. You ought to put yourself out there with the intention of exhibiting your brand and to position yourself for the right opportunities. Desist the urge to share a lot of information about your personal life.

5. An elevator speech that doesn’t go to the top

Have you ever asked someone what they do and they ended up mentioning their job title and organization alone??Something like, “I am a Communications Officer at Digital Opportunity Trust.” So you are left wondering, “Is that all?” Lois makes the reader not only see the importance of having an elevator speech but also curate one that is of value. For instance, when introducing yourself, you have to state your name (FULL NAME), tile, name of the organization, your role, results and what they mean to you.?If you are keen on value then people tend to take you seriously.?

6. Refusing high-profile assignments

If I may go into the Bible a little bit, I am sure you know the story of Moses (for the Christians). When God appointed him to lead the Israelites, he hesitated on the grounds that he is a stammerer. But in the end, after God assured him that he would stand by him, he gave it a shot and eventually saved the Israelites from slavery. ‘Stammering’ could be one of those challenges you have, but your potential is much bigger. Most women tend to choose to stay in a ‘safety zone,’ do what they know rather than take risks on high-profile tasks for fear of embarrassing themselves.?I once witnessed a female colleague insist that a male colleague do a presentation because he is good at it and she is not. I believe it is not a question of whether we are good at it or not, but like Oprah Winfrey says in one of her speeches, we ought to pause and ask ourselves, “What can I learn from this?”

7. Believing others know more than you

A while back I asked an acquaintance why he had been in his position for long (over 5 years) in the same organization and he said, one of the reasons is because of his ability to defend his opinions and ideas, which earns him credibility. There’s something Lois refers to, ‘Polling before making a decision,’ which is a mistake that most women do. This entails seeking other people’s opinions before taking the next step. There are instances where ‘polling’ is inevitable, but you don’t have to apply it in every task. Sometimes people might make a comment in your field of work that you don’t agree with, but then you agree to it because they are either more senior to you, stayed in the organization longer than you, or more experienced than you. Lois encourages women to own their professional spaces and boldly speak against/challenge things they have a different opinion about. If you are always accepting peoples ideas/opinions then they might start assuming that you are incompetent. Some of the coaching tips Lois provides here are, “Before assuming someone knows more than you, ask a few probing questions to determine his or her expertise…Before asking someone else’s opinion, be certain you really need it,” (page 304).

I extremely enjoyed Lois’s book. The points I have discussed here only make 7 out of 133 mistakes that she extensively shares in her text. Her coaching tips are exclusively from an expert point of view, hence you can be sure her work is credible. She begins her book with a self-awareness exercise which helps the reader reflect on their professional selves and determine whether the book is suitable for them. At the end of the book Lois provides additional materials, articles and books, to further your reading and improve yourself professionally. Even though the examples she provides in the book are entirely U.S. based, I find them universal and relatable. Knowledge is freedom, try it!