A BOOK REVIEW.

THE SEX LIVES OF AFRICAN WOMEN. NANA DARKOA SEKYIAMAH.2021.

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is a Ghanaian feminist writer and blogger. She co-founded award-winning blog Adventures from the Bedroom of African Women and has written for the Guardian and Open Democracy Creating Spaces and Amplifying Voices. The First Ten Years of the African Women’s Development Fund, Women Leading Africa: Conversations with Inspirational African Women and other works.

The Sex Lives of African Women is her current literary piece, which was published in 2021 July, 22. The book was a ‘Best Book of the Year' by The Economist in 2021.The book is a non-fiction; based on real life experiences of women both in Africa and the Diaspora emphasizing on their sexual antics in the bedroom, their sexual orientations and their relationships. The book can be read by people whose age ranges from 20-70.

Touching on Self- discovery, Freedom and Healing of these African women; personal stories such as navigating freedom and polyamory in conservative Senegal or resisting erasure of lesbian identity and finding a queer community in Egypt in the midst of revolution, these African women struggle with the trauma of sexual abuse and resist religious and patriarchal order to assert their sexual power and agency. These African women do this by questioning and resisting societal norms whilst creating new norms and narratives that allow them to be truly who they are.

“It is imperative to breakout of the boxes circumscribed by society in order to discover oneself and the multitudes we hold within us. This requires practicing an audacious form of bravery and often requires one to go against the grain of everything that has been presented as the norm”-Page1, Paragraph 1.

In the society, being oneself is very hard to materialize, it’s more of a pipedream. We have our parents on our necks to follow a certain principle that was laid down for them during their childhoods and they find it important that we follow these steps. Not contradicting what the Bible said in Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor thy father and mother...”, but sometimes not all they say is right and can cause young ones to make mistakes that they will regret their entire life to come.? The statement made in paragraph 1 on page 1 emphasizes on the need of stepping beyond societal constraints to explore our true selves and the different aspects within. If this is done by young people, depression, self-loathe, peer pressure, suicides will be minimized in society. The pressure to be the perfect child for mummy, daddy and society has caused suicide and depression amongst the youth in these current times.?

This statement made in the book is a wakeup call to youths to break out of the bondage of social rules that does not allow them to be their true one-self which will help them to becoming fulfilled and happy adults in life.?

“He started saying to me how he felt jealous when I was with other men and asked me to choose between him and my job. My job has always been there for me. My job has never mistreated me”- Philester. (Page 88).

Philester*, an African woman who is in her early thirties and a bisexual Kenyan, sex worker a mother of three and the coordinator of Kenya Sex Workers Alliance (KESWA) shares what one of her lovers said and how she responded.? Furthering that her “job” will not do the things he did to her, hence, she chose her job over the man.

?This act done by Philester* shows that women can make such synonymous decisions when they find themselves in situations that hinder them from growing or causes them to get hurt or cause to be prone to danger. Solace can be found in whatever they deem that makes them happy, as far as it makes them safe and happy at the end of the day. Philester* found hers in her job.

?“We achieve freedom when we let go of the weight of societal expectations and when we find our people- those who love us, care for us, and hold us up when we start slipping”- Paragraph 2, Page 122.

In finding freedom, Laura shares how her heritage helped her gain confidence in sex regardless of the society she found herself in. Being confident is relevant in all you do, success is gained out of that confidence.? Narrowing it down to our society today, divorce rates are very

?high and one paramount cause of divorce is inadequate sexual satisfaction. Mostly, the blame is accosted to the women. Most women are not confident when performing their conjugal duties because of the laid down principles laid down by society when it comes to who should be the dominant and the subject.?

Nature makes us understand that women are subjects, they are to follow the lead of the man, and that principle has resonated in the sex lives of most women. Their spouses lead in lovemaking, and they just obey to every single whim and not been able to act on their fantasies as a woman because they do not want to breach status quo. Marriage then becomes boring as a result of familiarity of actions done during love making, then cheating begins. The man goes to find spice externally.?

In this book women are encouraged to be confident when having sex with their spouses and this can be done through communicating one’s wants and desires when making love. That way can at least sustain the marriage and divorce won’t be strife.

“We all need healing of some sort, and when it comes to sex there is a whole lot of healing that Black and African women need”- Paragraph 1

?Globally one in three women experience sexual abuse mostly by intimate partners. African and Black women have not been left out of this treacherous act. As a result of these abuses, most of the victims kill themselves with the thought that no one will want a “damaged good”, others too end up being pregnant and worst-case scenarios contract sexually transmitted diseases.

Healing is what is needed by these women especially in their sexual life. Women have the rights to also enjoy consensual sexual activities and not be forced to in order to satisfy the male’s appetite.?

Mariam, a 26-year-old heterosexual Ethiopian woman recollects how she was sexually abused as a five-year-old child. “………. I was molested as a child …. My first job working in a women’s center in the US. A lot of women who came there were refugees, or students from other countries. They shared stories of molestation and rape. ….. I don’t want to be a victim to my past. Maybe talking to more people will take it out of my head and it will become normal”

Mostly women who have gone through molestation or rape find it difficult to talk about or speak out their pain because they are afraid of not being seen “normal”. Mariam made a step of talking to people who shared the same fate as hers that was her form of healing.

Society must create safe spaces for women who go through these abuses, provisions of the required guidance and counseling should be available and ready to listen. Parents whose children have been abused should also listen to their children and seek help for them without calling them liars.?

The Sex lives of African Women is an insightful book touching on self-discovery, Freedom and healing interlaced with real stories or experiences.? The knowledge encapsulated in this book is not just to navigate one’s sexual orientation or sexual life in society, the knowledge can also be used in other aspects of one’s life. The book is ten out of ten. It’s a must read.

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???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????NANA ADWOA NHYIRA BONSU.