Book Recap - 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, Part 1
Pavel Liser
Helping couples say "I do" through data @ The Knot | Data Science and Analytics with the Modern Data Stack
It has been a strange year for me - full of introspection at the cost of many social connections. But I believe I am returning to the social scene more self-aware and less numb to this experience called "life".
There's been many people and factors that helped along the way, some of which were books. And some of those had quite a profound effect, starting with the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership.
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Before jumping into the content, I want to say this is not a book about becoming a good manager or corporate leader, even though the name might sound like it.
Sure, there's plenty of tips about that too - and we will discuss them below - but I think the "leadership" aspect of this book is all about personal leadership first and foremost. Extending this to management would simply mean practicing the same commitments with other people (who also need to be onboard, by the way).
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Let's start with some vocabulary ??
One of the key concepts of the book is being Above or Below the Line
When Above the Line, we are open to anything that's happening - both inside us and outside - and we're willing to both listening and revealing. We've all experienced these moments, like a great discussion, being "in the zone", succeeding in something we haven't done before - these and similar feats can be achieved when we're above the line and are able to utilise all the inputs available to us.
We've also all experienced Below the Line moments. "you just wouldn't understand", "we have to do this my way", "I can't let them see that this upset me". Have you uttered these words? Or maybe you remember that feeling of tightness in your chest, throat and shoulders when thinking these? It's normal - it's the Ego defending itself. The Ego will reduce the risk of "ego death" by shutting off from inputs, reducing speech ("don't say anything stupid!"), preventing us from revealing and only selectively listening ("look for a way out!").
Contrary to what you might be thinking now - there's no right or wrong place, above or below the line. These are cycles, like day and night. Even the most conscious people experience Below the Line moments.
It's more important to be aware of where you are, than to be somewhere in particular on the Above or Below the Line spectrum. ??
And once you notice you are Below the Line, it's important to find a way to shift above - we will discuss techniques for that later.
It's also important not to confuse negative emotions with being Below the Line. Below the Line means suppressing all emotions and experiences (good and bad). Above the Line means accepting (even welcoming) all emotions and experiences (also good and bad).
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The Four Modes of Conscious Leadership ??
To Me - I am the victim of my experiences
To Me model of leadership (I would say mode of "being") is, unfortunately, where many of us spend a lot of time.
It often occurs without any suffering - we're simply not conscious about it.
As the name implies, To Me mode is letting your thoughts, emotions and experiences control you.
When we are in To Me mode, we believe that pro-activity doesn't matter, because we are not in control of the outcome - it is mostly chance. I say "mostly" because To Me mode doesn't mean giving up on life. People in To Me mode can still work hard, experience happiness and be successful. However, they will often attribute both the good things and bad things to chance. When we are in this mode, we experience the feelings of scarcity, fear of losing, sometimes even depression.
By Me - I am in control of my experiences
The shift from To Me to By Me is the 80 of the "80/20" of this book. ??
At the core of By Me is knowing that you have a choice - choice of actions, thoughts, emotions and experiences. And that you can control that choice.
When we are in By Me mode, we can control our reactions to both good and bad things occurring inside and outside ourselves - we look for ways to leverage the good and ways to learn and shift from the bad.
Check out this chart from their official website, conscious.is ??
Through Me and As Me modes of being
While in both To Me and By Me modes the centre is still the same - it's you - in the last two modes the centre of attention shifts away from you.
I won't talk about these right now, as they become central only to later parts of the book. But in a nutshell, Through Me mode means letting a greater calling live through you. Whether it's your life in that mode is centred around helping others or transforming an industry, the "self" becomes less important.
While in As Me mode, the notion of "self" disappears completely - everything and everyone everywhere is just one and the same energy.
Too much? I think so too. It's because we can't skip modes - we can't dissipate the "self" without going through the other modes first.
Important to note that, same as Above and Below the Line, these modes are also cyclical. We will shift between them - sometimes in months, sometimes in minutes - and it's more important to know which mode you're in and want to be, than being in any particular mode.
We will begin by focusing on the shift from To Me to By Me, as that's where 80% of the transformation lies.
But first...
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So what is a Conscious Leader? ??
The answer is very simple - that person is all of the above. As are all of us! ??
But there's an important distinction - the Conscious Leader is aware of it and accepts it. Moreover, Conscious Leadership means welcoming all the emotions, thoughts, experiences, sensations and actions as a normal part of this thing we call "life".
And the 15 commitments laid out in the book show exactly why and how would a person do that.
Starting with the first two commitments, which are the foundation for the other 13 commitments and shifting into By Me mode.
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Commitment 1: Radical Responsibility ???♂?
"Radical" is not my favourite word here, so let me start with the meaning:
"Radical" responsibility means taking exactly 100% of your responsibility -
not less, not more
This commitment teaches us that we can - and should - take all the control we can of our actions, thoughts, emotions and experiences. It teaches us that we always have a choice.
This shift in mindset is often related to shift in motivations.
Motivations range from:
If we shift up and down on this list, we can often shift what % of responsibility for a situation we claim - the percentage goes up as we move down the list. But remember - we want to take exactly 100% responsibility, or too much can be as bad as too little. We'll soon illustrate why with a famous model.
But first, let's pause on the first point - Fear ??
"Fear is the mind killer." as Frank Herbert so accurately wrote. Fear will always drive us to take less than 100% responsibility, and instead force us to blame, shame or guilt those involved - including ourselves! Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility - it's acknowledgement that we don't have control over even ourself!
Fear is a whole other topic - for overcoming that I would recommend Fight Your Fear and Win by Don Greene.
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Measuring your responsibility - Victim-Villain-Hero triangle ??
If you're not sure if you're taking 100% of your responsibility in any given situation, you can use the Drama Triangle outlined by Stephen Karpman in A Game Free Life.
It can be immediately clear that The Victim and Persecutor (Villain) wouldn't take 100% responsibility.
The Victim will find external factors to blame ("it's the market; it's the timing; it's the weather."). The Villain on the other hand would often find other involved people to blame - sometimes targeting the powerless Victim.
What about the Hero? Who wouldn't want to be the Hero, right?! Wrong.
The Hero is someone who takes more than 100% responsibility, thus feeding the irresponsibility of others.
Next time you are in a negative situation - try to use this triangle to locate yourself and adjust your % of responsibility.
But how? It's all about the right questions?
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100% Responsibility in a team context ??
Radical responsibility shouldn't be scary (though it's normal if it is) - it doesn't mean we're placing blame on ourselves, it means we're taking control of our lives. It should be empowering! ??
But how do you empower people to take 100% of their responsibility in a team context? For example, when your team has just had the worst quarter since the company started? Yes, it's very hard.
As a leader during a negative situation (again, leader doesn't mean manager ??), it's important to shift discussion away from looking who's or what's to blame - including taking up the blame yourself, that's the Hero mindset! ??♂?
As mentioned above, questions are the key.
When we don't take 100% responsibility, we find ourselves asking Why? and Who? questions:
Why is this happening to us? Who approved this? Why did we not notice this? Who could have performed better? Why is the market so bad recently?
Luckily, questions are also the way out of this blame and guilt spiral.
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To practice accepting 100% responsibility - as an individual or a team - you can shift to What? and How? questions.
What do I really want to happen? If I lived in a perfect world, what would be the outcome? What is the gap now?
What can this teach me? How am I distracting myself from doing what's important next? How will I and others contribute?
This is a great tactic to shift the conversation into a more productive one, and probably (hopefully) many of us have used it in business meetings already.
But before you can really embrace the positive outcomes of this Commitment, you will want to try and answering these questions personally ??
Am I willing to fully accept and learn from this lesson?
Am I willing to see all others involved as my allies?
Am I willing to see myself as having full control in this situation?
Am I willing to let go of blame and fear and proceed to the next action like nothing happened?
This is probably harder, but these are the questions that can really realign your mindset and help you lead your team into accepting 100% responsibility - and hence taking 100% control of the situation. ??
Don't worry if these take time. The author of this book does day- or week-long workshops for teams to just be able to answer these questions at all, hopefully with a "yes".
Practice these when you find yourself in a situation of blame, shame, guilt or fear of ongoing or future situation.
One last note - be careful with things you can't control. You can't take responsibility for those. That can be hard to accept, but the world is the way it is - which is also what a lot of mindfulness and meditation practices teach us.
In fact, what if the world is not just neutral... but is favourable to us? ??
That brings us to Commitment 2.
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Commitment 2: Learn through Curiosity ??
Commitment 1 lets us take the driver seat and become the cause of our actions, emotions, thoughts and beliefs.
Commitment 2 allows us to consider all actions, emotions, thoughts and beliefs as learning opportunities, and not some triggers and reactions by-design.
It is well researched that self-awareness and learning plasticity (or learning agility) are very important traits for a leader and, by extension, to anyone wanting to be a whole person.
While we often talk about learning agility in the context of being adaptive and sensitive to extrinsic factors - changes in market, new technologies, we often overlook the importance of being adaptive and sensitive to intrinsic factors. ??
This includes knowing if you are Above the Line or Below the Line, knowing which mode of being (To Me, By Me, etc.) you are in, as well as any other sensations.
Same as becoming more skilled in adapting to external changes, growing sensitivity to internal factors requires deliberate practice, such as journaling, meditation and even noting of physical sensations in different situations.
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Why is Learning through Curiosity important? ??
The brain and the neurones that compose our "thought" process are fascinating. We talk about concepts like "gut feelings", "hunches", "deja vu" as though these are some mystical things, but actually they are meaningful electrical signals between neurones. ??
The reason these occur is because the brain can utilise a vast variety of inputs, tangible and intangible, conscious and unconscious, to come up with "thoughts".
Learning through Curiosity means practicing this input absorption as a skill!
Many of us have heard about this diagram ??
When your mind is not curious and open, your brain is only relying on the inputs from the first circle - maybe also some of the second, if you're confident enough.
But commit to learning through curiosity from all your experiences and interactions, and all three circles become available to you. ?? ?? ??
This Commitment means we open our minds to all and any inputs, occurring externally and internally, so we can grow ourselves as a person and a leader.
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How do I achieve it? ??
Before the how, we need to note something about the when ??
Above the Line is where you can learn through curiosity. You can't do that Below the Line.
Why? The Ego won't let you. ??
The Ego is very afraid of being wrong. For ego being wrong means being dead. It is judging your every emotion, though and action with one question - "Are you risking killing me with that?".
We've all probably experienced these "two selves". ??
When you are sad and you know you are sad. How can you both be it and observe it? ?? Or when you are exhausted from work or a workout, but shame yourself for not doing more? Or thinking poorly about someone and at the same time guilting yourself about it?
Ego is very powerful, and thus very dangerous to Conscious Leadership. Because shifting your mindset to "Wow, there's a lot I don't know" is dangerous to the Ego.
Ego is not bad on its own - it's a survival mechanism we've developed as a species. What's bad is considering every judgement of the Ego to be "right". "You know best", "You are right, they are wrong" - blindly believing these whispers from the Ego is the danger.
Conscious Leadership teachers us to accept and welcome each state as it is, without judgement.
It's very unlikely we can "achieve" this state of curiosity and openness as a permanent state. Just like all the other states we've discussed, we're always shifting in and out.
So let's see how to manage these "drifts" and "shifts" in our daily lives.
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Commitment 2 in the real world ??
But how do we go about our daily lives not caring about knowing the right thing? I don't think that's a statement you that would you'd want to put on your resume.
But being right shouldn't be an issue. As we saw in Commitment 1 and will see in further Commitments, someone being right should be part of normal discourse.
On the other hand, refusing to be wrong, defending and fighting to be "right" is the cause of drama and issues. It's also often a cause for disengagement in the team - if people feel that being right is a question of fighting about it and not exploration, they can get more reluctant to participate in discussions or decisions.
It's important for leaders to foster acceptance - and even welcoming - of not knowing and curious exploration. This means that you are inviting all the known and unknown inputs to achieve the best possible outcome ??
But it's not easy. There's a whole other book I'd like to explore with you on that ??
Same as drifting and shifting Below and Above the Line, conscious leaders also get defensive about being right. We all do. Again - the state is not important, awareness of which state you're in is.
And then it's important shift from Below the Line to Above the Line. Issue is not "drifting" below, but how long we stay there before "shifting".
Simply ask yourself multiple times per day
Am I Above the Line or Below the Line?
When you notice that you might be Below the Line, here are some techniques to help you shift ??
Physical Techniques
Remember, many of these experiences we label as "feelings" or "thoughts" are chemical reactions and electrical signals in our physical body. ?? Hence they can be influenced with physical actions.
Mental Techniques
Once again, it's all about the right questions ?
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Checking in with yourself on being Above or Below the Line and practicing these two Commitments can already be transformational. Start small, find a few people you can trust to practice with, then scale ??
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We have the vocabulary and two core commitments under our belt - in the next article we will look at Commitments 3-7.
Let me know what you think with a reaction or comment on this article. I plan to write about a 3-5 more books and frameworks that helped me, my friends and my team mates be more whole. If you have other recommended reads or frameworks - let me know!
Talk to you again soon ??