Book Recap - 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: Part 2

Hello again ??

In the first part of this book recap we've set some fundamental vocabulary: What is a conscious leader? What is below the line and above the line? What are the four modes of being and how important is the shift into the By Me mode.

We also talked about the first 2 Commitments - Taking 100% (no less, no more) responsibility for your actions, emotions, thoughts and experiences, as well as committing to keeping an open and learner mindset to anything that occurs inside and outside.

Today we talk about the next 5 Commitments, which start talking not only about your own behaviours, but also your relation to others.

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Commitment 3 - Feeling all Feelings ??

Note: the recap of this chapter ended up quite long. I think it's because it has really altered my understanding of what feelings actually are and I hope to share that with you.

One of of my main take aways of this chapter is that

There are no good or bad feelings. They are all natural neurobiological processes.

Unfortunately, many of us have been raised differently by our parents, school, corporate culture. We're told that feelings are taboo, or make us seem weak, or are impractical. But at the end of the day, all emotions are chemical reactions and physical sensations in our body. This is critical to understand - because the same way you wouldn't judge your stomach rumbling when you're hungry, your muscles hurting during a stretch, you shouldn't judge other feelings.

In fact, same as hunger or muscle pain, other feelings are also signals that have a lot to teach us. ??

We've heard about the importance of Emotional Intelligence both in life and in the workplace, so let's see how does Diana suggest we achieve it in her book.

Identifying

Look at how rich are languages in vocabulary that describes different emotions - just check out some of these words from around the world that describe the most granular emotions. This kind of vocabulary should already tell us something - emotions are important to us ??Luckily, we don't need to master all of those words from the start, because, according to Diana's book, all feelings are built from the five basic emotions:

A simple exercise to get better at identifying emotions is checking in with your feelings a few times per day, answering to yourself "I feel ..." followed by one or more of the 5 core emotions. It's important not to get trapped by "feeling thoughts" - such as "I feel like the world is against me", "I feel that we're going to be ahead of schedule on this project".

Focus on these five first, then you can become more granular as you get better at checking in with yourself.

In fact, we can also often identify the five core emotions by their physical fingerprint. For example, sadness will often be present as tightness in the throat, anger can come up as tightness in the neck and shoulders, and joy can be experienced as feeling of space in the belly and chest.

Accepting

We all feel emotions. But some can "reason" them away better than others.

It's important to keep in mind, you can't numb yourself to some emotions without affecting others. We'd all love to feel less sadness, but feel more joy.

But emotions are like a system of pipes - plug one up and eventually it affects the others. ??

And rejecting your emotions is also impractical - it prevents you from understanding peoples' needs and intentions, including your own.

If you reject hunger, you'll starve. If you numb yourself to muscle pain, you won't know you're about to get injured. Other emotions work the same way - for example, sadness signals us that something needs to be let go; fear tells us that some information needs to become known; and joy tells us that something needs to be celebrated and appreciated ??

Releasing

Though we all feel emotions, we are often guilty of not "feeling them all the way through". And we have two typical ways of doing that:

1. Suppressing - we deny to ourselves and to others that we are feeling an emotion. This is almost common practice in most corporate cultures, as emotions are often viewed as impractical or embarrassing.
2. Recycling - we continuously recycle the moment that gave us the emotion, even building up fake scenarios around it; in fact even talking about it with friends is a form of recycling, as it just builds up more of that emotion inside us.

Problem with not feeling emotions all the way through is, that it's very energy consuming. ?? Our bodies are designed as input/output organisms - for food, air, water. Emotions are no different. Once an emotion arises (remember, they are just physiological processes), your body will try to release it. Fighting that will just consume energy, mentally and physically.

The other thing with internalised emotions is that they come out eventually - maybe in a week, a year, 20 years, 50 years. If you let emotions build up for too long, you'll have almost no control when it happens - they can explode onto your partner, your children, your colleague - at that point you will physically not be able to stop it.

And the big advantage with feeling your emotions fully through in a timely way, is that they then never build up to a point to the point of explosion. ??

It's like a garden hose - keep the water running steadily and you're in control; but kink it for a while and watch it burst out of your hands.

So, what are some ways to release emotions? ??

1. Breathe - our breath often changes when we are experiencing a strong emotion. In fact, you can even use it a signal that an emotion is arising. Try to bring your breath back to normal with a few intentional breaths. (there's a link to some breath exercises in the first part of this article)
2. Moving - physical sensation means a physical response, right? Moving the body can help get rid of the tightness caused by holding in negative emotions or simply let your body go through with the response to a positive emotion. That's why exercise can often be a good way to deal with emotion. Though it's important you don't use exercise to forget about emotions ?? but instead use it as a way to let your body move the way it needs to move to let the emotion go all the way through.
3. Vocalising - ... I know what you're thinking. This one might be harder to realise in a corporate setting (though Diana Chapman talks about doing that with C-level execs in training). In fact, vocalising is actually how most living beings express emotion. Dogs bark, cats meow, babies cry or laugh uncontrollably. We grew up being told it's not okay to cry in public, or laugh out loud, or maybe that feeling of arousal was considered taboo. But letting the emotion "make the sound it wants to make" can be very powerful. We practice this with my girlfriend. Our most popular sound is the one of the tiniest angriest frog. Trust me, you can't stay angry after trying this.

I remember one time I was having a heated discussion with a colleague - basically, we were arguing. Suddenly he says "Pavel, I am getting angry now. I am going to walk away for a minute and then we can continue."

What did I think? "I won. I made him lose his cool." But in fact, I was just as angry as him. The difference was that I ended up steaming and recycling the argument the rest of the day, while he went out to release his emotion, came back to finish the conversation and went about his day.

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Commitment 4 - Speak Candidly ??

There's a whole other book I want to recap about being candid. In fact, so many books I've been reading are pointing to the concept of "less withholding, more candidness", that it has definitely changed my mind about speaking out. But it's not that easy in practice.

According to Jack Welch, "the team that sees reality best wins." ???

And in almost all cases each member of the team has a piece of this reality. This commitment is about speaking your reality and letting others speak theirs.

Most of us have been guilty of some seemingly "innocent" withholding:

"I don't really agree with this decision, but everyone else in the meeting seems on board and I don't want to cause trouble" or "This project's deadline seems quite tight, but I think I can still make it, no need to bring it up now."

And many of us might have also experienced the ramifications of not speaking up in those situations ??

The problem with holding in your thoughts is that it drains energy. Not speaking candidly is going against your own wiring and eventually the energy blockage can make you feel disconnected or lethargic. What's worse, is that with time withheld thoughts can stagnate and we start projecting them onto the world, seeing everything through a lens of our invention, instead of taking in the facts.

The key to this commitment is speaking unarguably - talking about what you see, hear, experience, feel, think. Without hypothesising, predicting or judging. And you should listen to others the same way - without the goal of diagnosing them, or catching mistakes or filtering in any other way.

?? Important thing that the author mentions - don't start suddenly going around talking without any filters to everyone. You want to start practicing this commitment with someone you trust first (be candid with them about what you're doing ;) , then you can start introducing this concept to others, and start practicing with them. ??

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Commitment 5 - Eliminate Gossip ??

I have a problem with gossip. Something about the unfairness and usually manipulative goals of it just makes my skin crawl.

I'm sure I am also sometimes guilty of it though... Thing is, gossip has become a pretty commonplace way to release stress in the workplace - or sometimes even a way to socialise (like back in high school). But the problem is, that sometimes gossip can very subtly lead to trust and communication issues in a team.

Before we continue, it's important to define gossip. At the crux of it, as the book writes:

Gossip is any statement made about another person with a negative intention, that you wouldn't say to them directly.

Pretty simple to see why this would be discouraged. So why do we do it? ??

There are a few typical reasons why we gossip:

1. Validation - gossip helps us defend the Ego. Remember, that for Ego you're either right or you're dead. Gossip helps us stay right without anyone able to take that away from us.
2. Control - gossip is a way to control the flow of information, either with the goal of altering people's behaviours to our favour, or to receive or divert attention.
3. Building alliances - there's a view that gossip can act as a secret bond between two people. But in reality, these bonds are often temporary. People aren't stupid - if you're gossiping to them about others, it's likely you can gossip behind their back too.

The way out - well, it's pretty much Commitment 4. Being candid with the person about whom you're gossiping and sticking to facts, not stories.

Reed Hastings of Netflix writes in his book that whenever someone comes to him to complain or release some negativity about a colleague, his response is:

Oh interesting. And what did he/she say when you shared that with them?

Diana Chapman suggests this model of clearing gossip with the person of interest:

1. Affirm the importance of your relationship with this person (if it wasn't important in some way, business or personal, you wouldn't be doing this).
2. Establish a time to talk
3. State the facts (what happened?) that lead to you wanting to gossip
4. Tell the story you tell yourself - how did you perceive what happened? What kind of issue did it create - whether it's factual or personal issue. How did that event made you feel?
5. Do you have a part in this issue? Share it.
6. Make your request for what can that person (or both of you) change.

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Commitment 6 - Integrity ??

Not much to share on this one - there's quite many details about how to make and keep good agreements with people in this Commitment.

But what was a true insight for me, is what is Integrity in the context of this book ??

The root of the word "integrity" is the latin integer, meaning "intact". It's also the word for a whole number (Ruby devs, this one's for you ??).

So this Commitment is to living your life whole ??

Integrity in this book is not about following any certain moral code, but about living life with congruence and alignment.

Congruence is the practice of matching your external world with your internal world. As mentioned above, withholding what wants to come out - whether it's words, emotions or thoughts - drains our energy and leads to a place where there's a disconnect between who we are inside and outside.

Alignment is the practice of finding purpose in the short and long-term. It's about giving your experiences and actions intentionality. This purpose can change - daily, weekly, yearly; it's not about finding the "meaning of life", but rather finding something that keeps you engaged and gives your life direction in the moment.

So really, this Commitment is primarily about living life through previous five Commitments ??

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Commitment 7 - Generating Appreciation ??

This seems straightforward, but there's a few interesting insights in this chapter from Diana.

First is that most people have a harder time receiving appreciation than giving it. In fact we've skilfully developed many "tactics" for deflecting appreciation: from downgrading it or self-criticising ("I don't deserve this appreciation, I didn't really do much") to the crowd favourite Reciprocation Race ("No no, thank YOU").

There are self-defence mechanisms for why we do that. Some think that accepting appreciation makes us not humble or that it might be aimed at manipulating us, making us seem vulnerable. Others think that accepting appreciation raises the bar for expectations and that we're afraid we can't reach it, or that appreciation will make us lazy and reluctant to try harder (these two resonated most with me).

But Diana has a great way of reframing receiving appreciation in the book:

Think of it as a gift ??

If your friend comes to your house with a gift, would you say you don't deserve it and won't take it? Will you take the gift and give it to someone else to divert the spotlight from yourself? Or would you say "No no, YOU should have this gift". Probably not ??

Appreciation works the same way. It's as much about you, as it is about the other person. The root of the word "appreciate" (latin to the rescue again) is "value" - appreciation increases the value of the appreciated subject. Appreciate your relationships - they increase in value. Appreciate the food - it will seem more valuable. And let others appreciate your skills, personality, actions, physique - it increases the value of your investment in these things.

Although most people are more reluctant to receive appreciation than give it, doesn't mean that we are good at appreciating others ??

Luckily, Diana gives a few practical pointers on how to structure your appreciate for others:

1. Be sincere - don't use appreciation as a tool to manipulate others. We already have plenty of defence mechanisms against receiving appreciation, so believe it or not, you're not fooling anyone.
2. Be factual - instead of saying things like "you did great!", point out the specifics of what the made that person shine. This extra effort makes it much easier for the other person to receive appreciation and hence increase the value of your relationship.
3. Be succinct - Diana says that "masterful appreciation should come out in one breath". If you're dragging out your appreciation, you need to catch yourself - you might be not sticking to facts any more and telling "stories" or the energy of sincerity has expired.

In summary, appreciation is a natural human expression. And same as any other feeling - like we mentioned in Commitment 3 - it should be entirely felt through, whether you're on the receiving or giving end. ??

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Although there's more Commitments in the book, I'll end my recap here. Perhaps I still have a long way to grow and learn, but the last few commitments were a bit lost on me at this moment ?? And it does appear that 80% of the work is practicing these foundational commitments and keep finding ways to:

Shift your mode of leadership and being from To Me ?? to By Me ???♂?

Shift your mindset and energy level from Below the Line ??♂? to Above the Line ??

I will leave you with this fantastic visual summary by Visual Synopsis (you can click on the image to zoom in).

And of course one last tip - read the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership book by Diana Chapman. It's full of deep insights and practical suggestions about some of the things we don't even pay attention to in our daily hustle. Let's be conscious ??

See you in the next one ??