[BOOK EXCERPT] Autonomy and Control: What Kai's Muffins Can Teach Us About Negotiation

Before we get to the excerpt, I want to tell you a bit about the book:

This book is called (I’m not telling you until the book launches in November) and it will help you to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes with difficult conversations. It will also provide you with a brand new framework that you can use to approach every difficult conversation, whether in the boardroom or the dining room. 

Also, I have a gift for you!

The book will retail at $19.95. However, for the week of November 4th, the e-book version will be available at the discounted rate of $.99. You can buy it on Amazon!

BOOK EXCERPT

Kai’s my 3 year old and he loves his grandma's homemade muffins. One morning I was trying to be proactive and decided that I would put the muffins in the cupholders of his car seat before I woke him up. I thought it would make the morning more efficient.

When we got downstairs he asked for muffins and he started to pull down the tray from the counter. I said, “No, Kai. Just wait. I have muffins for you already in the car.” Not surprisingly, he responded by throwing a small-scale tantrum. I wasn’t too concerned because I thought he’d be excited to see that there were muffins waiting for him in the car. 

I thought wrong. 

When we got to the car I said, “Look, Kai! Muffins!” Kai was unimpressed. He rejected my muffins and crossed his little arms for emphasis. 

What went wrong? 

Kai didn’t just want to eat muffins; he wanted to choose them himself. I restricted his autonomy and his feeling of control, so he reclaimed control by rejecting my "reasonable" solution despite the fact that accepting my offer was in his best interest.

This is why it’s so important to make sure that our counterparts in the process feel as though they played a role in the decision making process. The key is to find creative ways to increase their perception of control.

We need to employ what I call future-focused problem-solving. This approach to collaborative negotiation focuses on what the relationship looks like going forward and what commitments will, or will not, occur. A critical element in future-focused problem-solving is the involvement of the other party in the problem solving process. We need to find ways to engage in the conversation that allows them to feel some sense of ownership in the outcome.

The focus on the future is critical because it helps to keep the conversation productive. Anger and resentment can be found in the past and the present; however, since the future is yet to be determined, it’s less likely that conversations that discuss the future will carry the same level of emotional baggage.