On Bonding... How to create or repair the bond with your child, or anyone else!

So, today, I am reflecting on the many parents and teens who are struggling with their ‘bond’, their closeness… Why is the ‘bond’ between parent and child so important? Well, for lots of reasons, but related to our Parent Leadership Group conversations, it has a heck of a lot to do with the ‘quality’ of the relationship, how we are treated by our teens, and how much ‘cooperation’ we get!

For those of you who attend the parent group regularly you are familiar with a ‘formula’ I share and use, which goes like this…

ATTACHMENT > BONDING > EXCLUSIVITY > LOYALTY > SACRIFICE

So, the formula starts off with this thing called ‘Attachment’… If you have taken other courses you may have heard the term ‘Attachment Theory’, which simply states that when we are born and completely emotionally vulnerable and physically helpless, we NEED other human beings to survive! This is why babies immediately display the ability to grip and suck… In this stage the baby is terrified so the initial chemical released is adrenaline.

So, if you were super vulnerable and helpless, how could you increase your chances of physical survival? Answer: By joining a tribe. This is where bonding begins, or sometimes disrupted. If the adults in a baby’s life enjoy the job of caretaking, meaning the adults are physically and psychologically present and emotionally attune, the baby begins to relax… Concurrently the baby’s life is ‘sensual’, meaning that it comes to know the world through its five senses.

A caregiver’s relationship with a baby/child is very sensual, meaning that the caregiver spends a lot of time appealing to the baby’s senses, i.e., caressing, making sounds, eye contact, bathing, feeding. If this all goes well, oxytocin is released, so the baby and adult begin to experience the ‘warm fuzzies’.

In order to make the point I want to make, answer this question… When was the last time you felt really close to someone? It’s likely that somewhere in the answer you gave, there was a moment of ‘vulnerability’… babies and children are vulnerable by the very nature of their lack of capacity, and this is when parents fall more deeply in love with their children, and this is where they fall deeply in love with us!

So, where does this insight leave parents who are trying to build or repair a bond with a teen? It suggests that if a parent wants to bond with their child/teen, they are going to have to become vulnerable… and what’s the fastest way to become vulnerable? By practicing accountability, because accountability done well leads to humility, which is a healthy form of vulnerability!

What stops a bond from forming and growing? Answer: Criticism, blame, negative judgement, withdrawal, etc.,. Imagine that every time a baby cried, dirtied their diaper, or made a mess, they were criticized… would this baby have a strong bond with the caregiver? Of course not! This is why accountability and humility are so important in any relationship, especially adult relationships! Accountability and humility increase our capacity to be compassionate, empathetic, and forgiving, which makes us a safe person to become vulnerable with!

Does this make sense? Parents, if you want to build or repair a bond with your children or spouse, look for and/or create opportunities to become vulnerable!... and remember that a requirement for vulnerability is ‘risk’… you won’t likely feel vulnerable by doing something you are familiar with! The risk does not have to be big… in fact, numerous small ones are likely better!

Sit down with your teen and facilitate a conversation that offers opportunity for you, and possibly both of you, to become vulnerable… watch the news together, watch a movie together… it doesn’t have to be a romantic love story… my son and I would have deep conversations after watching war movies… “We Were Soldiers” was one of our favorites! The movie invited us into discussions about life and death, honour, duty, politics, integrity, sacrifice, suffering, family, love, discipline, religion, faith, and so much more!

And one last tidbit… Remember! ‘Building a bond is not a matter of time, rather a matter of depth.’ If you want the bond to deepen, go deeper!

John Solano, September 2017