Body Budgeting: Managing Emotions with the Red, Blue, and Green Pathways and the "LOVE" Model

One of the greatest responsibilities of parents today is to support both their own emotional well-being and the emotional development of their children. In fact, a similar dynamic applies between leaders and their teams. Neuroscience helps us understand how we manage our energy and balance our body budget. Lisa Barrett’s concept of the “body budget” explains how our nervous system manages resources. Understanding this concept, combined with Mona Delahooke’s LOVE model, becomes a powerful guide for both the parenting journey and the individual leadership journey.

We can describe neural pathways using Lisa Barrett’s concept of body budgeting, categorizing them into red, blue, and green pathways. These colors represent different functions of our brain:

Red Pathways: These are the neural pathways activated during moments of stress and danger, triggering quick and reactive responses. They are related to processes of safety, protection, and managing threats. When a threat or danger is perceived, the amygdala is activated, initiating the “fight or flight” response. Stress hormones increase, heart rate speeds up, and muscles tense. This rapidly depletes our body budget.

Blue Pathways represent the neural routes activated during mental activities such as planning, thinking, and decision-making. They are primarily associated with focus and problem-solving abilities. These pathways become active when stress decreases, and the body returns to a state of balance. The brain’s prefrontal cortex engages, allowing us to make thoughtful and balanced decisions.

Green Pathwayssymbolize moments of rest, relaxation, and joy. They are the neural routes that help balance our body budget. When these pathways are activated, the brain releases oxytocin, increasing empathy and strengthening the ability to connect with others. This fosters a sense of safety and supportive relationships.

As a parent, I’d like to share an experience with my children using these pathways. Deniz and Nehir were playing in their room when Nehir accidentally knocked down Deniz’s towers. Deniz’s face turned red, his brows furrowed, and his eyes filled with tears. This indicated that the Red Pathway had been activated, causing stress and frustration signals throughout his body. Noticing this, I tried to help Deniz transition to the Blue and Green Pathways. First, I recognized Deniz’s emotions and observed him non-judgmentally. I offered him a hug and said, “This must be really hard for you,” to provide support. This helped Deniz move to the Blue Pathway. Then, I looked at both Nehir and Deniz and said, “We all have tough moments,” to validate their feelings. This sense of validation made them both feel safe and understood. Finally, I asked, “How about we build a new tower together?” giving them the chance to try again. This activated Deniz’s Green Pathway, rebalancing everyone’s body budget.

Neuroscience helps us understand the impact of emotions on our brain and body. Lisa Feldman Barrett emphasizes that maintaining a positive body budget balances our nervous system and makes our emotional responses more flexible. Effectively managing the red, blue, and green pathways makes it easier for both parents and children to handle stress.

The steps I followed in this situation are actually defined by a wonderful model that I’m sure you’ll easily remember: the LOVE Model.

LOVE Model: A Deeper Understanding

The LOVE model is a four-step approach to building connections.

LOOK: When a crisis or event occurs, look at your children without judgment. This gaze helps them calm down and feel safe. The brain reduces the amygdala's response and activates the parasympathetic nervous system through this kind of attention. Example: When Deniz was very angry, as his mother, looking into his eyes without judgment helped protect Deniz’s body budget.

OBSERVE: Observing your child without judgment helps you understand their emotional needs. This step reinforces an empathetic approach and a sense of safety. In the example above, when I noticed Deniz was upset, I stood quietly by his side, observing him without labeling or judging his feelings.

VALIDATE: Validating your child’s emotions helps them feel valued. From a neuroscience perspective, this step activates the brain's pathways for safety and connection. Saying, “This must be really frustrating,” to validate Deniz’s feelings is an example.

EXPERIENCE: Having positive experiences together renews the body budget for both the parent and child. This step strengthens bonds and enhances emotional flexibility. In our experience, encouraging Deniz and Nehir to play together and asking if they wanted to rebuild the tower is an example of this.

It would be incomplete to think of the LOVE model as only applicable to parent-child relationships. This model can also be considered to strengthen and structure the bond between leaders and their teams/followers.

LOVE Model for Leaders

Building meaningful connections with employees is the key to being a leader with emotional intelligence. Looking at employees non-judgmentally and appreciating their efforts increases trust (LOOK). Observing their emotional and physical states fosters empathy (OBSERVE). Accepting the challenges employees face and providing supportive feedback strengthens team cohesion (VALIDATE). Finally, creating positive work experiences boosts team motivation and job satisfaction (EXPERIENCE).

Leaders should also pay attention to their own body budgets, manage their energy in a healthy way, and develop their ability to handle stress. This allows them to guide their teams more effectively and empathetically.

As Dr. Rick Hanson says,

“Investing in your own growth is not a selfish act; it is actually the greatest gift you can give to others.”

Both parents and leaders can approach their children or team members more patiently, empathetically, and understandingly by managing their own body budgets.

Author: Selma Kalkavan,Phd,PCC

Resources:

• Lisa Feldman Barrett, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, 2017.
• Mona Delahooke, Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges, 2019.
• Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness, 2018.