B.L.U.E & R.E.D.S - What we can do to make a change for the better on Women's Safety

The death of Sarah Everard has caused national outrage and an outpouring of collective grief and frustration from women all over the country. Almost 20 women have spoken or DM'd me to tell me harrowing stories and their heart-rending experiences....I'm honestly so gutted by each and every one.

And while it's right that there should be outrage, it has me thinking about two really important things about women subjected to violence in our society - and indeed across the world.

The first is about the difference that race makes in this discussion. We believe that Sarah was killed by a police officer while walking home and that makes me enraged... And yet I think of the many black women subjected to violence by men in the same way with no outrage, justice or even coverage of their plight. I think of the year that's passed since Breonna Taylor was murdered in her bed (not walking home people... in her home, asleep) and yet she remains without justice.

Blessing Olusegun was murdered last October with her body found on an East Sussex beach 60 miles away from her home in Eltham, and you can be sure that you're unlikely to have ever even heard about the case, let alone seen any kind of response...

The only reason we heard about Bibaa Henry, and Nicole Smallman, was that the police thought their deaths were so trivial that they should take selfies with their dead bodies.

None of these deaths should have happened and yet the stark difference in their reaction and treatment is not lost on me, and it makes me think long and hard about the world that we live in.

But my second thought moves to one of change and impact... It breaks my heart to see so many women facing so much harassment, abuse and disrespect in the world that we live in, but the fact is that we made this world together.

Both Men and women.

We uphold the system that treats women as less than, and sees Black women treated as even less than that. And so for today's #SaturdayServing as promised, I'm outlining some ideas that I think would help, of things that men and women can do to remedy this situation... Some you would have seen before - others have been updated due to discussions along the way.

For the Women:

As I state all the time, we have all been raised within the patriarchy, and have been taught things that lead to our own undermining and abuse...

But liberation lies in our own hands and while the support and focus of men as our allies and accomplices is incredibly important - the fact is that nothing will change until we do - so I share a few of my ideas of how we can change things in this space...

And Yes - the Acronym spells BLUE - once again for ease of memory and to contrast the REDS acronym for the guys which I came up with first

B - Believe

It all starts with beliefs, and what women believe about themselves and their place in this world still remains a problem. There are so many tacet tells about our true beliefs in the work that I do supporting women in business which shows just how challenging and insidious inferiority beliefs and complexes are...

It's so important that women believe in:

• Their right to self determination and the validity of their own legitimate desires
• The normalisation of their own self care and that it's in no way selfish
• The importance of their financial literacy and independence in a world where money carries so much weight and importance
• They they're whole and complete human beings never to be completed by their status in relation to men
• In their entitlement to safety and that it is a social issue not just a woman's one.

Even these beliefs would turn the status quo upside down - but the world is the way that it is because of what women believe of themselves all over the world, and that absolutely needs to change

L - Lead

No one is coming to rescue us... It's time we got to grips with that. If the rescue party was gonna come, they should have been here ages ago - and so it's time to lead ourselves to the promise land...

We need to take leadership roles in business, politics, and our communities.

We need to lead in the non-judgement, and toxic language around women's choices, clothes and bodies

We need to lead in self-love and understanding. In remembering that women's issues are everyone's issues and stop believing that the idea of being a 'female' speak of marginalisation or reduction.

U- Unlearn

Ooooh, this one's a big one.

Because we too were raised in the patriarchy - full of the blame, shame, guilt that comes from being female. Unable to speak about our bodies, our journeys, our desires.

We have to unlearn the blame & shame that comes from being a female who has experienced abuse or harassment - for indeed, I'm yet to meet a woman who hasn't a story to tell.

The idea that the shame lies with us, or that we in someway courted or encouraged their behaviour - or even that we're responsible for their behaviour in any way has to be destroyed.

We need to unlearn so much about our mutual interactions - and the idea that we are made for and all about them. We buy our clothes for us - what's all this about 'can't wait to wear my heels once we're out of Lockdown' - why did you stop wearing them in the first place? If you like them, wear them - if you don't, don't.

We need to unlearn the vocabulary that diminishes our contributions that makes us an insult (yep, 'like a girl' remains an insult... but not for long)

We need to unlearn the shame and doubt we have to speak up about abuse, unlearn the lack of control or agency baked into us that makes us second guess our ability to use our voices.

The sooner we unlearn our value in relation to them, the quicker we'll be reminded of our independent magnificence - and that's when the magic truly happens

E - Educate

There so much for women to be educated upon that they don't know about themselves, but about the turmoil that the patriarchy causes for the guys too.

It's time to get educated - especially if you have sons...

Your life as you're living it right now, is the most vivid, visceral and memorable education for the boys and girls you're raising. So what are you teaching them? About your value as a woman and mother, about gender roles, about expectations?

It all matters - every last bit of it. Get educated so you can educate them...

And as I said it was a team effort - it's really important to also consider what the guys can do to support women in this fight for better treatment and safety - and so here's a guys section too...

For the Men:

Parts of this you may have seen before as I posted it a few days ago, but I've expanded on it to give a bit more context and added a really important additional action point, which was a recurring theme of so many of the stories I've heard over the last few days.

Yes, the acronym is REDS... To make it easy to remember and to remind us of the dangers of doing nothing.

R - Recognise

Recognition is the first step to any change you see, it's important to take a cold hard look at what is there... what is true - what is going on. That

• Your biases
• Your language
• Your assumptions
• Your environment and tolerations of things that really shouldn't be tolerated in the small let alone become bigger.
• But also, your own fear of other men, and where that might stop your involvement when needed

Awareness is the first stage of everything, which is why it's so important

Awareness gives you choice, and choice gives you freedom.

E - Educate

Yes - it's here again, and that's not by accident - there's so much ignorance on these issues on both sides, and that needs to change - and so for guys, I would say you need to educate...

• Yourself on entitlement, misogyny and all the ways that the patriarchy has screwed you too (male suicide rates show us that all is not well on your side of the fence either)
• Yourself on you... Your emotions, your mental strength and the fact that female attention doesn't make you and female rejection won't break you.
• On what women really think, feel and want. That Mel Gibson film will not help you. Talk to women and ask. (Space when we're walking, to be allowed to go about our business without interruption)
• Your children on the truth about their bodies, their ownership, safety, their rights and their responsibilities... Please teach your boys and your girls.

Learn what the media does to change the story for different women, at the top of the article you will see dramatic differences based on race and social class, and there are many other differences based on society's definition of 'worthiness'.

D - De-centre

Understand that this is not about you... The 'not all men' call is as banal as 'All lives Matters', both points never disputed, but serving to distract.

All men ARE involved, we live in this society together, and so you have a role to play in the solutions (we have all been part of the problem)

She didn't wear that dress for you, she doesn't need your compliment.

She's not there for your pleasure, she doesn't need to smile if she doesn't want to

Eyes are drawn to eyes, the fact that she looked at you is because you have eyes... It doesn't always mean she wants your body, your babies or even your attention.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

Understanding when it's not about you, helps to empower your role as the frame rather than being desperate to be the picture in every situation.

S- Speak Out

Right now, the guys of this world hold disproportionate influence in the corridors of power. They make the laws, they change policies - so until more women are there - we're going to need more men to speak up and speak out to make changes

• Speak up when you're mates or colleagues are being out of order
• Speak out when the jokes being made about 'that woman' wouldn't be cool if she was your sister or daughter (she's definitely someone's daughter!)
• Speak out when you see injustice
• Say something when you see something wrong

All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing... don't be one of those men.

Not all men attack. But every single man can make a difference

Be that man today.

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Yinka Ewuola is a Coach, Consultant, Strategist, Founder and Chief Game-Changing Officer at Calla Success Systems - who's on a mission to support busy ambitious women to build thriving and profitable businesses while living full fab and nourishing lives. This is so that women never feel like they have to make the false choice between their money and their life, or their health and their wealth.

Her Business Transformation Programme, based on her 'Holistic Success Method' is changing the game for women in Business. And she also support she supports women through a variety of programmes, courses and conversations.

Check out her daily email list for high performing women in business by emailing her at [email protected]