Is Blood Thicker than Water?

One of the biggest lies ever told is “blood makes you family”. Blood makes you related; loyalty, love and trust makes you family.

That was the meme that showed up on my feed recently.

It got me thinking.

Families tend to have a fixation on blood: that family wealth needs to be preserved along the bloodlines, that only blood can be trusted, that married-ins should be kept on the outer.

Some of these tropes come from longstanding cultural beliefs.

But we ought to challenge them.

As Jay Hughes noted, a family starts with a couple who are not?related: two people who choose to partner and create a family. The bond between those two – the parents – are often the model for their children.

If you treat their children-in-law as second-class family members, it can send the message that you respect your own marital choices, but not those of your children!

This is not to ignore the fact that divorce can wreak havoc on family relationships and family wealth, that divorce rates are very high, and that some people marry for money.

Rather, be consistent, and aim to setup marriages for success to the extent that you can.

We can similarly challenge putting the sibling bond on a pedestal. My father-in-law put it well: “just because two people come out of the same womb doesn’t mean they will be friends”.

Every child is born into a different family – a different environment. They carry a different mix of genetic material from their parents. They are ... individuals. Sometimes siblings fight because they are different, and sometimes they fight because they are similar. The way you treat them as parents can also drive conflict.

You might say that your children are equal, but that doesn’t always translate into practice. With each child, you are a different parent. The needs of each child are different.

Don’t assume your children would automatically make effective coworkers in a family business, business partners, or custodians of shared family assets.

It doesn’t come naturally.

In contrast to blood (and genetics, and life-partner choices), loyalty, love and trust are values that you can control, and prioritise when raising your children.

Those values carry a high degree of reciprocity: if you are loyal to someone, they are likely to be loyal back to you. Same for love and trust. This positive cycle starts with you as a parent: if you trust your children, they are more likely to trust you, and to be more trustworthy.

I’ve seen too many families where parents don’t?trust their children: not to assume positions of responsibility within the family enterprise, not to know the extent of the family wealth (age appropriate of course), not to be a responsible custodian. Those negative cycles often start with parents, and then repeat.

A family is like a house: it needs a strong foundation. That foundation is mostly on you as parents. The behaviour you model is so important. And the behaviour you reward is what you will get back from your children.

Conversation Starters:?

Whom do you trust more: your sibling’s partner, or your partner’s sibling?

How much do you trust your children?

How do your close friend relationships compare to your blood relationships?

If you’re concerned about the fragility of your family or the uncertainty around generational transition, please contact me by reply to talk.

For further reading on this topic and further discussion, click here?