The Blip

I always knew that the last few weeks were going to be tough. Just over a year ago, my uncle Dave died from a brain tumor. From him being rushed to hospital and diagnosed, to the day he died, it was just over five weeks and mirrored my dad’s (his older brother) death from a similar condition 22 years before.?

My uncle and his fantastic partner, Viv, married quickly in the hospital, I dropped everything to go home and see him tell us how much he loved us, and that my siblings and I were the kids he never had, while trying not to worry that brain tumors could be hereditary in my family - they aren’t, but every time I have a migraine or headache, it’s hard to not make the link. I remember feeling like I was in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. This doesn’t happen in real life…except it did and it was.?

It was massively traumatic for me and my entire family, and still is today.?

As someone who has struggled with mental health for the last decade, I was acutely aware that as the anniversary came around it was going to have an impact on my mental and possibly physical health. My prepared and proactive brain therefore went into damage control mode.?

Distraction

I started to put in place mental health tools to help me deal with what might come, including speaking with my new line manager, who was gracious and understanding, as well as being open with my new colleagues. I took the anniversary day off, continued to be very self aware of how I was feeling, supported those around me (especially my aunt and now uncle’s widow) and arranging to see an array of friends and family on the day - all with very young babies, ranging from two weeks to eight months - to help dilute or distract me from the ache and sadness that might happen.?

It worked! There was a huge wave of emotion the few days before and then the morning of, but my plan was successful and I focused the day on love and positivity, rather than sadness.?

The blip?

But despite my best efforts - feeling the feelings and filling the time with joy and love - it was never going to be that simple. Grief just isn’t!?

Over the last few weeks, my anxiety has peaked, I have started to get aching and persistent headaches, my mental health has swung like a pendulum and my sleep is all over the place.?

So it was inevitable, I blipped!?

Now, I define a blip as a mental health low point, where my mind struggles to deal with the emotions and forces me to stop. I feel like I am wading through mud, my mind is fuzzy, I go into myself, have to cancel plans and it takes a huge amount of energy to carry on as ‘normal’ and do the best I can. This can last for hours, days or even weeks.?

It is incredibly tough and I am only sharing, as I know from talking about my mental health before, that this is not a unique occurrence and I am not the only one.?

Cover up?

It will be unsurprising to hear that it sucks. I am a self aware person and when I ‘blip’, the first emotion is always guilt, disappointment that this happened again, that I wasn’t able to stop it - despite my distraction efforts - and resistance at it getting worse.?

It can also be said that I am very good at hiding it. Having started a new job three months ago, I have yet to be completely open about my mental health struggles and even some of my friends and family are not aware of these ‘blips’. In fact, to look at me on a daily basis, hear me at work, or read some of my WhatsApp messages, you wouldn’t have a clue.?

I am more open and honest about aspects of this than I have been for years, but there is a lot hidden. Not a Titanic-level iceberg, but more a duck or, let’s go for an elegant swan with lots movement beneath the surface.

Reflect, move forward

On reflection, I think my distraction went too far. Years of therapy have told me that riding it out and ‘feeling the feelings’ is the only way through. And to some extent I did. Well, I thought I did anyway…?

But if I have learnt one thing about grief and mental health in adult life, it’s that it’s incredibly hard to control. And for a control freak, who loves to plan, is obsessed with lists, and finds balance ridiculously hard, this is an immensely difficult scenario.?

Here are a few things I have learned / that help me and may help you:??

• There is no point running - I have mentioned ‘feeling the feelings’ a couple of times, but it’s true. When I blip, there are elements of comfort and small things I can do, which I will go into, but fundamentally, I have to ride it out. Accepting that going through it sucks, but I always, always come out. It is a dip and a hill to climb, but there is always hope.?
• Tell people - I never used to, but now I am much better at telling loved ones if I am going to or have blipped. Some people can tell and two of my best friends, Becca and CB, as well as one of my aunt’s, can sense when I have been quiet, but others I share with afterwards. It doesn’t have to be your whole world, but picking one or two people that you trust and will understand can really help remove the feeling of isolation and provide a bit of support. Even if it is just sending cute puppy photos back and forth, or hearing some mundane life updates. I do this for friends and ensuring you feel/stay connected through hard times is a small and simple thing, but it goes a long way.
• It is OK to seek help - I am a massive believer in therapy and counseling, but appreciate it’s not for everyone. I have spoken to the Samaritans in the past, a brilliant free service, and am lucky enough to be in the position that I can afford to put myself through private therapy when I need it. It is something that I am not in at the moment, but I will likely be again at some point in my life and have reached out about some additional sessions based on the last few weeks. For me, it is not something I need on a weekly basis. However, it’s an invaluable resource to just be completely open about how I am feeling, get it out of my head and work through the tough stuff in life.?
• Breathing - It may be simple, but when I blip I find it really difficult to switch off my mind and focusing on breathing is a huge help. I use Headspace and Modern Health, both of which are provided by my work, but there are so many videos on youtube or free resources to help focus on just breathing.?
• Moving - I love a spin class, regularly go to Kobox and am starting to get into CrossFit (Yes, yes, I have bought into the fitness cult), but when I blip my want to exercise goes out the window. At my lowest, the motivation just isn’t there. So I walk. I stick my headphones in, listen to a podcast, send voice messages to my friends and family and try to embrace nature. I have started doing this first thing in the morning to kick off my day, and it works for me. Even if it’s 15 mins, getting outside helps.?

Doing better?

We are coming to the end of Mental Health Awareness Month and this blog is my aim at reflecting on a difficult few weeks of my life, sharing how I deal with mental health, grief and an attempt at balance. Still very much a work in progress and something I will likely struggle with for most of my life. It is also a chance to reflect and share some honesty to help others.

One final aspect that has been a massive help is a shift in job. Moving from the agency world to in-house was a conscious choice and a need for greater flexibility, autonomy and a new challenge. But it has changed my life. Especially when it comes to blips and mental health.?

More than I have ever before, I am able to be flexible around my day to give myself the time to deal with emotions - from grief to mental health, to just getting out and moving. Anxiety and struggles are talked about more openly, and working from anywhere means that there is less pressure and I am more productive, happy and less hard on myself, even when I am ‘blipping’.?

I am not saying that this is not possible in the agency world, but it is definitely more difficult. And whilst I have been lucky enough to work for some fab agencies, done some really cool stuff, met some of my best friends and continue to count many people as colleagues, mentors and advocates, we still have a long way to go to support mental health in this environment.

We have come on leaps and bounds from years ago, where mental health was taboo, but we can do better, we must do better!?

I have been on the raw end of this, and was shocked to hear from a PR friend recently, that mental health, burnout and a lack of knowledge and confusion over whose responsibility it is, is still very much a factor of PR life.?

A final thought

So what can we do? We can listen, we can support each other and we can be kind. We can also discuss more amongst ourselves where the responsibility for mental health lies within the workplace - from the employees themselves to line managers, leaders, HR etc. And crucially, ensure that regardless of level, everyone understands that they are not alone and that work/life is stressful, and there is support available.?

I have no doubt that I will blip again. I am still working through grief, and need to crack the sleep thing. But I know that I can deal with it and that, from my work life to home life, I have put myself in the best position possible to come out the other side stronger. I know my uncle Dave would be proud, and always is, and that I am not alone. For the time being that is as much as I can do.?

Take care of yourself and if anyone is dealing with grief, stress, mental health, than I can share some useful resources or hope this helps you a tiny bit. Just know that it will be ok!