Blindspots :: Back To Factory Settings (Part 2)

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” - Carl Jung

Have you ever heard someone say, "I don't even know why I did that," then get upset with themselves? That someone is us sometimes. It is what we say when we don’t fully understand why we took a course of action. If you have never sat down to ruminate over some questionable decision you made at some point in your life, you are probably not human, and that's okay, because we humans have all made questionable decisions at one point or the other. The weird part about these decisions is that after thinking through them, we sometimes never figure out why we made those decisions. The thought process that led to making them have become a part of our being that we would repeat them if we found ourselves in the same situation again. 

As I write this, I can only think of myself who, sixteen years ago today, lost my mum. I didn't quite understand the gravity of the situation at the time, I sat there, watching people cry while struggling to shed my own tears. But looking back now, I'm sure that young boy knew what happened. I know this because for the following eleven years, I was, acted and did things that were unhealthy; like isolating myself, physically, emotionally etc. I had just one close friend in secondary school. I don't use the word ‘friend’ loosely here. Everyone else was just someone I talked to because we were in the same hostel, class or school—you know, like extras in a movie. I tell people that I have trust issues but it had been manifesting itself since way back then. Nobody could get too close without hitting a wall. Though this still happens sometimes, I'm more aware of it now. While some people are privileged to discover their patterns early, some others are not. That is why there are adults still dealing with issues that were birthed inside them when they were little. 

For instance,

The way you respond in an argument did not start when you were thirty-nine, that began when you were six. Same with the way you handle correction, that didn’t start in marriage. 

Back then when you didn't get the toy you wanted, you pouted, you threw stuff, broke stuff, now when things don't go your way, you punch walls and beat people—it’s the same thing. 

As a kid, you screamed at people and everyone thought it was okay since you were just a kid. Now as an adult, you hurl insults at colleagues and rip into anyone who wrongs you or isn't on the same page as you. 

The way you run and hide when things get hard began on the playground when you were on the losing end of games after which you got sad and ate chocolates to soothe yourself, now it is drinking, smoking and sleeping around. 

As for me, shutting people off, isolation myself, among other things, was my coping mechanism.

All this is to say that there’s a reason we act the way we act but we blame it on our personality by saying things like, "that's just how I am." No, that's not how you are, that's what your experiences shaped you to be and now you’re so messed up that you don’t even see it. We have grown with it and they’ve become blind spots that we can't see even when people point them to us. We've lived with it for so long that it has become normal and there's no point talking about it. Sometimes, we get angry when someone brings up anything remotely close to it. Until we identify and deal with these issues from our upbringing, real change cannot happen and we will keep going in cycles. 

Imagine how this dynamic influences the quality of our lives. It affects our relationships, the kind of people we are drawn to, both romantically and otherwise, it affects our career and even how we raise our kids. Many parents didn't deal with their own dysfunction causing the children to grow up battling with the same issues. It's crazy to me how people complain about the way the older generation abused their kids—which led to the hate and anger some millennials have for their parents—but then see a so called new generation mother verbally abusing her child like she didn't give birth to him. How don’t they see that abuse is abuse?

You complained about your parents and now you are doing the same thing that was done to you, to your child. You have become the parent you once hated. Why? Because you didn’t deal with the impacts of their treatment of you. Young adults have to deal with the effects of their own upbringing before they have children so they don’t pass unto their children the same issues that was passed to them. We call these issues generational curses and pray against them when it’s just a product of our own ignorance. You have to be aware of it and then confront it so it doesn’t become a cycle.

“Prayer doesn’t fix ignorance.” – Myles Munroe

These things are real and obvious yet we are oblivious to them. Instead of walking in truth, we wallow in the lie. Have you ever met someone who shuts down in an argument and makes you think you're dumb and stupid for speaking? That used to be me. It is one of the terrible ways to resolve a conflict. When I realized I did that a lot, my eyes opened to see where I got it from and I wondered, how could I have been so mean? These behaviors are fruits of seeds planted by our family. They are deeply rooted in our family tree, our upbringing, the people we grew up with, the people who surrounded us when we were kids. This is why it is sometimes so hard to see them by ourselves. This is the story of so many of us. We are so used to our childhood cliques that their affirmations make us not see anything wrong with ourselves. (This is sometimes a good thing; it can help someone rising to stardom stay grounded. But I’m talking of negative impacts.) There are some of us who tried to run after our eyes opened to the toxicity of our families without first dealing with their impact on our lives, but in striving to leave everything behind, we forgot that we took ourselves along. We forgot that the problem is in us. We then end up in a different place, settled into the same thing we left behind. We’ve run so far but are now tired because we keep meeting the same people in different places but with different faces. 

“If you act the same as the people around you, then those people won’t see anything wrong with you since you're just like them.” - Unknown

Just imagine me all good and alright shutting everybody off back in secondary school, I was okay shutting everybody off until this new girl came. For a very long time she had no friend. Literally, she had no friend—nobody was her friend and she was friends with no one. Everybody complained, huffed and puffed but nothing happened. She walked alone, read alone, did everything alone, she even plaited her own hair. All she did was pass exams, take first position and go home every term. I was intrigued by this that I thought I had to be her friend. On getting close enough, I realized that we had a similar experience; she also lost her mum when she was little. Isn't it funny how like attracts like without us knowing it? This is just one person's story but it is what is happening to many people. We are all dancing unconsciously to the tune of our subconscious. Only the person who recognizes this has the power to break the cycle. 

More examples

-Children who grew up being given everything without caution from parents may have inadvertently been taught materialism. When they are not happy with life, they may think getting possessions is the answer. It’s not.

-Those who didn't have enough may grow up feeling inferior. When they are adults, they may think getting excess wealth would solve their problem of not feeling good enough. It won’t.

-Some who didn’t have enough may find it difficult to give freely when they have surplus because they think they'll go back to not enough if they give too much. Scarcity mindset.

-A lady jumps from one relationship to another, she cries her eyes out cos she's been heartbroken and yet months down the line, she's in another relationship that ends in heartbreak… and the cycle continues. Do the guys she dates have the same issue with her? Does she have the same issue with every guy? Does she enjoy being heartbroken? Maybe. Or she grew up under conditions that warrants her to seek validation from people. She’s the common factor in all the relationships.

-A child who was bullied becomes a harsh boss and terrorizes everybody under her.

-The man who jumps from one job to another, complaining about everybody in every company he’s been in, may just have an inner battle he’s not confronting. Maybe he was neglected by his parents and that has made him grow up to be cynical. 

And so on. 

These examples are obviously not set in stone but you get the gist, it could be this or a myriad of other reasons.

Every one of us was born with a specific set of conditions surrounding our birth. We were raised under certain conditions peculiar to us only. We have been wired by these conditions to act in specific ways under different circumstances. This wiring is our nature, who we are, so we need not think twice before doing some things. From the simplest things like the songs we like, to major decisions like where to live, where to work or who to marry, our decisions are backed up by forces unknown to us. It takes a level of self-awareness to know why we make certain decisions and act in certain ways. Where we grew up wasn't our decision but who we want to be is our responsibility and it would be easier if we knew why we acted in certain ways. We cannot solve a problem we don't even know is there. Don't get stuck in a cycle of life halting behaviors. Make it a habit to know why you did what you did this morning and everything else. Check yourself every step of the way and correct what you can. It may be difficult but it is possible. Wake up to the reality of who you are and uncover your blind spots.