Blind Man Watching

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind" - Bernard Baruch

Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, "Hey, there is an elephant in the village today."

They had no idea what an elephant was. They decided, "Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway." All of them went where the elephant was. Every one of them touched the elephant.

"Hey, the elephant is a pillar," said the first man who touched its leg.

"Oh, no! it is like a rope," said the second man who touched the tail.

"Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree," said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

"It is like a big hand fan" said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

"It is like a huge wall," said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

"It is hard and smooth like a spear," Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

Each blind man felt a different part of the elephant body, but only one part, such as the side or the tusk. They then describe the elephant based on their partial experience and their descriptions are in complete disagreement on what an elephant is, to the extent that they suspected the other person to be dishonest and even resorted to blows.

A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, "What is the matter?" They said, "We cannot agree to what the elephant is like." Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, "All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said."

"Oh!" everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.

So true. We humans have a tendency to project our partial experiences as the whole truth, ignore other people's experiences, not considering that we may be only partially right and may have limited information.

There’s a time in our life when we are faced with the arduous task of decisions, some bold, some right, some necessary. The abundant voices from all direction particularly people with opinions, causes nothing but confusion.

At that stage we wish to be left alone, not because we enjoy our own company, but because we fear the company of others. It’s the stage when we want all the people to disappear, all the voices to disappear, all but one. Our own. Our Inner calling.

You, Them and Opinions

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.

It is human nature to want to be liked and accepted. However, this often leads to people worrying too much about what others are thinking about them.

This kind of excessive worrying can have a negative effect on your life. It can be so debilitating that it interferes with your ability to feel at ease with yourself and around others. Do not let it prevent you from living your life to the fullest potential.

So how and why are we relying on the opinions of people who themselves do not know anything or everything about us or our situation or our life.

Now ask yourself. Do you worry too much about what others think about you?

If yes, why do we do it and how can we overcome this feeling. This is something I will explain, but first let’s look at some signs that indicate you worry too much what others think about you.

·       You do things you don’t want to do and you resent it

·       You no longer (or never did) really know what you want

·       You are afraid to say what you really believe

·       You spend time with people you do not like or you avoid people out of fear 

·       You struggle to make your own decisions

·       You imagine that people are upset with you when they really are not

The problem

Deep inside of us, along with our need to be liked, we also have a need to be authentic, to think and live in our own unique way. Nature made us this way so that we could think critically and develop creative solutions rather than rushing headlong over a cliff with the rest of the herd. If we all thought alike the human race would have died out long ago.

We thrive when we get along with others, and think and act independently at the same time. If you aren’t doing both, you’re out of balance, and your psyche will complain about it with either depression (“No one likes me”) or anxiety (“I have to get them to like me”). These are often warning signs, and if not heeded, things can get really bad. That’s why it’s dangerous to worry too much what others think about you.

Reasons why you should not care about what others think

1.     It’s not their life, so it’s none of their business

People are entitled to think whatever they want, just as you are entitled to think what you want. What people think of you cannot change who you are or what you are worth, unless you allow them to. This is your life to live. At the end of the day you are the only person who needs to approve of your own choices.

2.     They don’t know what’s best for you

Nobody will ever be as invested in your life as you. Only you know what is best for you, and that entails learning from your own choices. The only way you will ever truly learn is through making your own decisions, taking full responsibility for them, and that way if you do fail, at least you can learn from it wholeheartedly, as opposed to blaming somebody else.

3.     What’s right for someone else maybe completely wrong for you

It’s important to recognize that someone’s opinion is often based on what they would do. This alone is the problem. What is best for somebody else, can be the worst thing for you. What one person considers garbage can be another person’s treasure. We are all so unique. Only you know what is right for you.

4.     It will keep you from your dreams

If you are constantly worried about what other people think, you will never get to where you need to go in life. You are going to have to do things that don’t always meet people’s standards. You will come into situations where you have to put your pride, and your reputation on the line to get what you want. If you are constantly worried about what people are thinking, you will never have the will to do what’s right.

5.     You’re the one stuck with the end result

In life, you are the one stuck with the consequences of your decisions. When people give you their suggestions or even orders, there is no risk for them. They don’t have to live with your choices - but you do.

6.     People’s thoughts change on a regular basis

We are constantly changing. People’s thoughts, ideas and views change on a regular basis. That means even if somebody does think badly of you at the moment, there is a good chance they will think differently in the near future. So basically, people’s thoughts don’t really matter.

7.     Life is simply too short

You only have one life to live, so why would you spend it worrying about other people’s opinions? Do whatever you want, be whoever you want. You’re not going to see these people after you’re dead. You probably won’t even see them in a year from now. Live your life without worrying about other people’s thoughts and opinion, and you will live your life to the maximum.

8.     The Hard Truth: it’s impossible to please everybody

You can’t please all of the people all of the time. It is impossible to live up to everyone’s expectations so there is no point in burning yourself out trying to do so. Just make sure that one of the people you please is yourself!

Ways you can overcome the obvious

The weight of other’s thought can become a burden for you. It can inhibit you from living your life, because your entire being (your personality, your thoughts, your actions) are controlled by an idealized standard of what people want to see. When you become so obsessed with other people’s opinion of you, you forget your own.

1.     Find your people: Don’t imagine that you can stop caring what everyone thinks. Seek out the people who see your strengths and goodness and whom you trust. Stick with them and take what they say seriously. When you fear that they are thinking badly of you, check it out. Ask them what’s going on. A small group of friends or community can go a long way in increasing security. It is important to know that you are loved.

2.     Face it down: What if other people do think badly of you? Thank goodness! If everyone likes you, you’re probably not being true to yourself. Ask yourself “What’s the worst that could happen?” and come to terms with it.

3.     Spend time alone. In order to remember or learn what you want, need and believe you’ll need to have periods of time when you can hear yourself without worrying about the voices of others. Journal. Talk to yourself. Ask yourself what you need. Find ways to make yourself happy that don’t depend on other people. Psychotherapy can also help with this because it focuses on hearing what’s inside of you.

4.     Experiment judiciously with speaking your mind. This could mean taking some chances. You may not be able to do this at work, since we usually need to maintain an appropriate persona at work. And, sadly, if you belong to a racial or sexual minority, you are probably wise to be guarded in certain situations. But exercising your opinion elsewhere can build confidence. This can be scary, but it can also be liberating. Avoidance breeds anxiety, while mastery brings self-esteem. Here again, therapy is a safe place to start.

5.     Decide what’s truly important to you: Is what people think of you high on that list? Make a short list, post it on your fridge, send yourself reminders on your phone, and don’t let critical folks who are suffering from insecurity come between you and fulfillment.

6.     Find your inspiration: Think of someone who you can look up to and may have faced these same fears and overcome them. Carry their image in your mind. This being true to your whole self - this individuation -isn’t easy. It takes courage and perseverance, but in the long run it feels better. And for many people, bringing their unique offerings to the world is what gives their life meaning.

You can make a conscious effort to stop giving a damn; to let yourself free. It’s a skill that needs to be practiced, like meditating. But once you truly understand how to let go, you will see the world as entirely different.

Once you give up catering to other people’s opinion and thoughts, you will find out who you truly are, and that freedom will be like taking a breath for the first time.

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. You have no responsibility to be like they expect you to be. It’s their mistake, not your failing. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The following ironical words from the poem titled “Two Dead Boys” by Tyler Rager, is befitting to capture what others easily do; pass judgement, make opinions, and reach conclusions in most bemusing ways

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,

I will tell you a tale I know nothing about,

The admission is free, so pay at the door,

Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One bright day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight, 

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't see,

So they chose a dummy for a referee,

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,

In a two storey house on a vacant lot.

A blind man went to see fair play,

A mute man went to shout "hooray!"

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

And came to stop the two dead boys.

He watched from the corner of round table,

The only eye witness to the facts of my fable,

But if you don't believe this story is true,

Just ask the blind man he saw it too!

What an irony! Most of the time we are faced with everyone’s opinions about us and our lives. We definitely detest that for reasons many.

But what do we do. We are no different. We need to practice what we preach, or in other words what we want for ourselves.

Instead, that’s what we do. Judge people. Easily call them liars. Just because we do not have the complete picture. In the process of proving that we are right, we tend to hurt others and become insensitive to their feelings and emotions. We are shadowed and blinded by our own perspective. With little or no information, we quickly reach conclusions. Just like the Blind Man Watching.