Blamethrowing 101

It was my job to set up for the weekly 7AM meeting. 50 people, 50 chairs, two pots of coffee, 100 donuts. It's cold and dark in New Jersey during Q1, but I took the commitment.

And I loved it. It made me feel responsible, relevant, a significant contributor to the team. As I opened the cold building at 6AM to set up, I knew I was Doing Good.

And then Pete showed up.

By the time I got there at 6:00, Pete had already fired up one pot of coffee and set up half the chairs. He was Stealing My Thunder!

You have to understand, Pete was a truly annoying person. Pete, with his faux biker attire, dirty bandana, off-kilter hairpiece and litany of stupid remarks. And it wasn't just me who felt that way.

After the second week of this, I sought sympathy from a few senior members of the team. They nodded knowingly as I reviewed Pete's hijacking of my noble commitment, his theft of my selfless devotion to cause.

"Yes," they said, "Pete is truly annoying. But you, my friend, are annoyed. And that is the only thing relevant here. The guy is actually helping you, and your reaction is to begrudge him the help? Go get your head on straight."

I hated to say it, but they were right. I could do nothing about Pete; but I had total control over my own reactions.

[Sidebar: the English language is a co-conspirator here. We have only "to be" to describe what the Romance Languages use two verbs for – one to describe a temporary state, one a permanent one. I am chilly, I am a man. I am annoyed, he is annoying. I suspect our French/Italian/Spanish friends make this mistake less frequently than we do].

How often do we attribute existential traits to others which are better described as passing emotional states in ourselves? He is stupid; no, I disagree with his point of view. She is too full of herself; no, I don't like the attention being directed away from me. He's a dangerous nutcase; no, he's got issues, and someone should engage with him. Pete is annoying; no, I'm annoyed.

You be the judge of how big an issue this is; IMHO, a very big one indeed. And we all have multiple chances per day to reframe the jump-to-blamethrowing instinct that is our default; the Daily Double of redemption, there for the taking. Why don't we buy the ticket more often?

Quick Wisdom Quip: Is he annoying? And/or, are you just annoyed?

Practical Tip:? Be on the lookout today for someone who "is annoying." Adjust and respond accordingly. .