Blame, Shame and Attack

by Verna Myers

After reading the narrowly drawn Supreme Court decision in Masterpiece Cakeshop, even with the loss, I was grateful the court affirmatively stated the equal rights of LGBTQ people to be free from indignities and discrimination. However, the majority's stated concern regarding what they perceived as hostile statements made me think about a chapter I was working on this weekend from my my upcoming book about how to talk to people with whom you totally disagree. Let me know what you think:

I have been facilitating group dialogues in a workplace or community settings for decades and this I know to be true. The quickest way to derail the conversation, with groups who are coming at an issue from different perspectives and experiences, is for one person to start blaming, shaming and/or attacking someone else in the conversation or making a blanket accusation about a group of people represented in the gathering. “You are way too sensitive.” “That’s just ridiculous!” “The problem with men is that they…” “I mean everyone knows that __ people can’t be trusted.” “People from your religion are uncivilized.” Some people even say, “You ought to be ashamed for how you….” 

When people are shamed, blamed or attacked, they either attack back or shut down and stop talking. We have all heard people describe others with words like “demonic”, “immoral” “evil” and “not redeemable,” “despicable” and “worthless”. It’s like tossing a grenade in the midst of the assembly. The more we attack, name call and label people, the less likely we are to forge a new way. In fact, no matter how justified we feel, blame, shame and attack keep us firmly anchored in the old ineffective ways of dealing with our differences. We may not realize it at the time but finger pointing, humiliating and condemning others in these conversations or even in our own minds not only destroys the interaction, preventing us from discovering fresh ground, it brings out the worst in us and leaves us without hope. Blame, shame and attack act as contaminants, poisoning our relationships and each of our desires to be heard and respected.  

When we are in difficult conversations, talking to people we don’t agree with, if we can choose words that are not about putting a person on trial and convicting them, there is more of an opportunity for the exchange to create connection and further space for our mutual humanity.