Blame is no part of the solution

For a long time after his diagnosis, my brother and I sought to avoid the reality of the situation.

Phone calls followed the typical pattern…a check in regarding family, football, and we shared a funny work story or two.

As the physical impact began to manifest, I struggled to balance love and support for my brother with the injustice of the whole situation.

Blame ensued, and on occasions I acted like a stroppy teenager. For British friends, think “Kevin” from Harry Enfield ??.  

I was unable to fully comprehend, process or accept his diagnosis, and sought to blame anything / anyone else.

Politicians / sports teams / relatives / colleagues / neighbors – nobody was safe from my wrath.

If they breathed the wrong way or did not comply with my silent standards or expectations, I was silently apportioning blame like a childish immature brat.

I was not upset at them.

I was angry, scared and fearful. Blaming others was a temporary release from the reality.

A reality that I did not want to face.

How do you begin to imagine a life without someone who has been there for all of yours?

During a visit to Johns Hopkins for one of his appointments, Tony and I planned a nice meal, a few crabcakes, and then we would go and watch a baseball game. As we sat down at Camden Yard, the attached picture was our view.

The person in front of us was wearing a Gehrig shirt. Right in front of us. At a time when I was trying to avoid the elephant in the room, and just enjoy a night out, there was the elephant. Lou Gehrig was diagnosed with the same disease as my brother, and the disease subsequently became more commonly know by his name.

Fate decided to place this message right in front of us.

When we sat down, my brother turned to me, smirked, shrugged his shoulders and said “let’s have a good night.”

We did have a good night. We laughed, ate, drank, bought 4 of those crazy big sponge baseball finger things for our kids – we were happy.

What does this have to do with blame?

I wasted close to a decade stuck in blame. Worrying about tomorrow, worrying about what if’s, feeding the blame monster, and surely spreading an energy that could not in any way be described as loving or positive.

So Now What:

• Understand that blame is disempowering and does nothing after the initial temporary satisfaction you may feel.
• Understand that YOU are in control of your choices and your response.
• Consider that as unfair as you may feel a situation is, HOW you respond is 100% on you.

A phrase that my brother often used was “Don’t let tomorrow get in the way of today.”

How I interpret this phrase is to focus on this moment, focus on this thought, focus on what you CAN do, and keep moving forward.

Blame is not part of any solution.

If any of this offended you, your comfort zone is expanding.                                                      

Best Wishes, Martin