The Blame Game: Why Playing Victim Prevents Progress

One of my greatest failures was when I sent thousands of phone bills to the wrong customers. But my learning wasn’t about the failure of process or technology, it was about taking ownership for the problem and empowering myself to fix it.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." – Maya Angelou

I was leading the billing function for a large service provider and it all started one morning when I arrived at the office to find a team member holding a customer bill with a confused expression. Our service centre was experiencing high call volumes, and she had printed a bill that a customer had queried. The account details didn't match the customer's information – while the bill totals were correct, it was addressed to someone else entirely. As more examples emerged, we discovered thousands of incorrect communications had been sent to customers.

What followed were some of the most miserable weeks of my professional life. The external service provider we'd tasked with making improvements had made an error with huge consequences. Not only had we confused customers with incorrect information, but we'd also driven them to contact our service centre, degrading service quality for everyone. Our agents, unaware of what had happened, couldn't even provide proper explanations.

My response revealed a deep-seated victim mindset. My initial reaction was anger: "How could this provider have done this? What are we paying them for?" When attention came from leadership, I became defensive: "This is not my fault! I didn't make the mistake!" In quiet moments, fear took over: "What if I can't fix this? Will I get fired?"

These underlying thoughts, though never directly expressed, influenced my behaviour. I was unpleasant to deal with when people tried to help resolve the issue. My thinking clouded decision-making, and I wasted time sending defensive emails and justifying myself instead of focusing on resolution and supporting my team.

Victim vs. Player Mindsets

Fred Kofman, in his book "Conscious Business," emphasises the difference between victim and player mindsets. A victim mindset focuses on external factors and absolves the individual of responsibility, leading to inaction and helplessness. When we adopt a victim mindset, we see ourselves as powerless against circumstances, believing that external forces control our fate.

In contrast, a player mindset acknowledges one's role in shaping outcomes and empowers individuals to take proactive steps toward improvement. Players recognise that while they can't control every circumstance, they can always control their response. This mindset transforms challenges from overwhelming obstacles into opportunities for growth and learning.

The Real Cost of Playing Victim

When we play the victim there is an obvious cost: we focus on defending the position and declaring our innocence thereby minimizing any opportunity for the problem to be solved. But I think the more insidious impact is on our sense of agency. We put ourselves in a position of powerlessness: if the problem is not ours, we can’t exercise any control or influence over it which is a proven path to to feelings of overwhelm and sadness.

A victim mindset also carries more specific consequences in the context of business transformation:

• Organisational Impact: When leaders consistently blame external circumstances, it sets a precedent for others to do the same. This creates a culture of excuses rather than accountability and problem-solving.
• Decision Paralysis: Fear and defensiveness cloud judgment, leading to delayed or poor decisions. In my billing crisis, precious time was lost while I focused on protecting myself rather than addressing the problem.
• Stress and Burnout: The victim mindset creates a constant state of perceived powerlessness, leading to elevated stress levels that affect health, well-being, and leadership effectiveness.

Shifting to a Player Mindset

When I finally shifted my mindset during the billing crisis, the transformation was remarkable. Team members who had been hesitant to bring up issues started offering solutions. Meetings changed from blame-storming sessions to collaborative problem-solving. Most importantly, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders – instead of carrying the burden of defending past actions, I could focus my energy on improving the future.

This is the power of the player mindset. It creates psychological safety that encourages innovation and risk-taking. When people know they won't be blamed for failures, they're more willing to experiment with new approaches. It also builds resilience – setbacks become learning opportunities rather than sources of shame or fear.

But perhaps the most profound benefit is how taking ownership expands our influence. When we blame others, we ironically give away our power to act. After all, if the problem is someone else's fault, we're powerless to fix it. But the moment we accept responsibility – even for situations we didn't directly cause – we bring the issue into our circle of influence. We move from "They need to fix this" to "Here's what I can do." This shift is transformative. It's the difference between waiting helplessly for others to act and taking the initiative to drive change.

The good news is that by reading this far you’ve already taken the first step toward adopting a player mindset – you’ve become aware. Fred Kofman gave a wonderful TED talk showing various situations where people fall into the victim mindset from a man stuck on a broken escalator to someone stuck in traffic and stressing about being late. When you find yourself disappointed by life just think to yourself whether you are blaming or taking responsibility. Are you blaming the traffic or taking responsibility for not leaving early enough? Are you blaming the escalator or taking responsibility and switching to the stairs? I guarantee that carrying this awareness through life will shift your focus from what has gone wrong, to your amazing ability to deal with what comes along.

Other tips to take this further, especially with your team:

1. Watch Your Language - The words we use profoundly influence our mindset and those around us. Simple changes like replacing "have to" with "get to" can transform our perspective from obligation to opportunity. When discussing challenges, focus on response rather than blame: "How can we improve this?" instead of "Who's responsible?"
2. Focus on What You Control - The Stoic philosophers understood that peace comes from distinguishing between what we can and cannot control. In any situation, we control only three things: our attitude, our effort, and our actions. Everything else – others' actions, past events, future outcomes – lies outside our control.
3. Lead with Action - Being a player means taking initiative rather than waiting for others. Quick, thoughtful action often matters more than perfect planning in gaining a sense of control.
4. Ask Better Questions - The questions we pose shape our perspective and others' responses. Instead of victim questions like "Who did this to you?" or "Why did this happen?", ask player questions:

• What challenge did you face?
• How could you respond differently?
• What will you do next?

?

Looking back at my crisis, everything improved once I shifted from victim to player. Instead of defending myself, I focused on supporting my team, communicating clearly with customers, and working constructively with our service provider to prevent future errors. The crisis eventually passed, but the lesson remained: in transformation and in life, our response to challenges matters more than the challenges themselves.

Until next Friday, keep failing forward!

What mindset shifts have helped you navigate transformation challenges? Share your experiences in the comments below.

Failing Forward is a weekly newsletter exploring the lessons we can learn from failure. Subscribe to get insights and actionable strategies to drive meaningful change.