Blackouts, Career Suicide & Alcohol Change - if you experience blackouts whilst drinking, or have a workplace drinking culture, please read this...

On 12 April 2021 I made a mistake. That mistake was getting up that morning and going to work.

For those eagle eyed readers with a sharp memory, you will note that date was significant for us all, as it was the introduction of Step 2 covid restrictions, that allowed more freedoms from the last covid lockdown. The government still advised to work from home. Pubs and restaurants were allowed to open outdoors for groups of six people or two households. We were not allowed to socialise indoors except with our household or support bubble. The rules allowed us to socialise outdoors, including in gardens, in groups of up to six people or two households.

Throughout the pandemic, I was working for a Central London Business Improvement District. I joined them in September 2019, although my involvement with the company stemmed back to 2008 through to 2012, long before it became a business improvement district and had been established as a voluntary organisation with a vision of becoming a business improvement district. During my early tenure with the organisation, I appointed their current Chief Operating Officer (COO) into a role within the business, putting my faith in a recommendation for him that had come from one of my long standing clients in the property management sector, despite my reservations about his previous patchy work history and his pugnacious attitude.

I had been working alongside the business for six months when the pandemic hit us all hard. All the of directly employed members of the team were furloughed with the exception of the COO and myself. Our “consultant” Head of Marketing (HOM), who formed the third member of the senior leadership team alongside the COO and I, was also stood down. We had an amazing team of sub contractors that provided a mainstay for us in the area whilst the COO and myself worked from home, as per government advice.?

The pandemic was tough on the business but I was glad to remain in my role, it kept me busy and I learnt a whole raft of new skills as, whilst we were operating with reduced output, it fell to me to take care of all the member comms, marketing, finance, supplier liaison and, most excitingly, innovation, on top of my day to day role of managing the subcontract teams and doing our best to keep the area safe and clean. I worked tirelessly throughout, often investing much of my own time on top of my contracted hours to provide a valuable resource for our member business at a time when information was fast flowing, access to finance to keep businesses alive was paramount and it was clear that I would need to innovate to find new ways for struggling businesses to be able to continue trading through tough restrictions. I am proud of what was achieved and I am proud of the fact that there at least 80 businesses that were able to open their doors during some of the toughest of restrictions due to innovations and safe trading spaces that were created whilst I was at the helm.

For much of the pandemic, the COO took a back seat. He was often uncontactable and really only became energised when there was work to be done so he could meet his obligations to the board, every quarter (this wasn’t just a pandemic trait, sadly). This work would be added to my workload and then he could cut and paste the output for his board report. Once the board meeting was done, back to unreachable and disengaged mode.

Whilst I loved what was doing, the workload was beginning to take its toll on me by the end of 2020. We could sense we were reaching the end of the restrictions and by this stage the COO was keen to take every opportunity to bring the team back together in person (some of the team were returning to their roles remotely as furlough was being tapered out). Some of these meetings were in direct breach of the covid rules, such as the office Christmas Party that was held in the office at the end of 2020 (sound familiar? Inspired by Boris Johnson’s government no doubt). I was always uncomfortable with these meetings and gatherings, but I also felt a sense of duty to be there since I had essentially taken the helm of the business for such a long time.

As we entered 2021, the COO would organise more and more of these covid rule bending meetings and gatherings and my sense of duty and morality was severely tested with each one.?

As soon as the announcement of Step 2 covid rule introduction was confirmed by Boris Johnson in March 2021, the COO immediately began to organise a social gathering for the 12 April 2021 ”opening up of the economy”. The outlook calendar invites went out, by the Chief Operating Officer, to some eighteen people, despite the knowledge of the rules that were introduced - rule of 6. It was impressed upon me that my presence would be required. It was being pitched as a business meeting, but it was clearly just an excuse to gather people for a piss up.?

In the days running up to, what was clearly going to be a covid rule breaching event, I had reached maximum anxiety levels. I was seriously considering not attending. I spoke to my family about it and they agreed it felt like it was not a good idea. But I also felt the sense of duty and if I am honest, wanted to be present to showcase some of the great things that were achieved during the pandemic, despite everything. The Chairman of the Board was the guest of honour. Business leaders from our supply chain (including a former Met Police Detective Superintendent) and member businesses were invited, along with our returning HOM. The Senior Leadership team would be reunited for the first time and (I naively thought) showing solidarity.

On the morning of 12 April 2021, I knew I had a decision to make whilst laying in bed. Should I stay, or should I go? For those of you reading who have seen the film “Sliding Doors”, little did I know at the time, this was one of them moments, with a very different and much less romantic context. Regrettably, I made the decision to get out of bed and get ready for work. I discovered there was no hot water, we had a problem with our boiler, so a cold bath was had. I made my way to the train station to head into London, and the next train was cancelled. So was the one after that. Things were not going well already! The signs were there - “Go Home!” my mind was telling me. I text the COO saying I was going to be late. I got a shitty reply implying I was just trying to get out of the event and that he wanted me to be there. This annoyed me. So, figured out a way of getting into town by train by making multiple changes, and arrived at the office 30 minutes before we were due to go to the pub and start meeting people.?

No sooner had I put my bag down at my desk, the COO was up and putting his jacket on. “C’mon, let’s go for a walk before we go to the pub”. Off we went. The COO was in a triumphant mood, as the all bar two of the invitee’s had confirmed their attendance. I was keen to confirm the arrangements that had been made to comply our gathering with the covid regulations that had been introduced that day, but he had another agenda. He was keen to secure a restaurant booking at the local ROKA for the evening for us all and I stood there whilst he was trying to convince the staff that they should make space for at least ten people. I was shocked at the way he spoke to them. They were one of our key hospitality member businesses and he was not happy when they would not accomodate?his requests.?

At Midday we arrived at the pub, and in the hour and a half that followed, twelve of the invited guests arrived. I have to be fair to the pub manager at this stage. He did his upmost to ensure that our group were compliant with covid restrictions. During the first two hours an enormous amount of alcohol was consumed by the whole group, including the obligatory meal that was required to be served with the first drink. But, by 2pm, he had lost control of the situation as his pub’s outdoor seating area was full with both pre booked and walk in guests. It became a free for all.?

By 3pm four more of the COO’s invited guests arrived, but the original group, including me were “well oiled” by this stage an inhibitions were being lost. By 5pm a couple of members of the original group departed but others were joining. The drinks were flowing for the whole day. I did not spend a penny that day. The company paid for it all.

I called home to speak to my partner at around 5.30pm. She tells me that I was clearly quite drunk by this point. I was planning to head home. She recalls that I was clearly quite upset on the phone and had told her that I felt I had been undermined by the COO throughout the day and he had been “taking all the glory” for the successes the business had made during tough pandemic times. I’ve got to be honest, I don’t recall a huge amount of this conversation, I am relying on her recollection of it the following day.

I recall saying my goodbyes shortly after this, then heading back to the office to collect my coat and bag. It was freezing cold by this point, and I just sat in the office for about an hour to warm up. Then, another Sliding Doors moment! I clearly recall this part. I decided to take a brief detour from the office on route to the train station and see who was left at the pub.

By 7pm, much of the group had dissipated, including the COO. Our Head of Marketing (HOM) and a couple of others remained and the HOM told me the COO had gone back to her home, a few streets away with her husband. I decided to stay and have “one for the road”. I had sobered up a little by this stage as I had warmed up and taken a break from the events. I ended up staying for another hour or so with the HOM and a few others then we all decided to depart. I offered to walk the HOM home. Whilst she was a local and well familiar with the streets and the route, she had experienced some pretty scary moments on Tottenham Court Road in the weeks running up to this event and she appeared glad to have someone to walk back with. Despite it being a small detour, I walked her to the stairs of her basement flat.

Upon arrival, we could hear raised voices and laughing. It was a party! The HOM asked me to join them. I declined, saying that it was time for me to go home. But, she insisted, she wanted me to come in as she was unsure of who was in attendance and did not want to walk in alone. Sliding doors moment #3… I agreed, and before I knew it I was sat at her kitchen table with the HOM, her husband, the COO and another guest from the original gathering who had been working on our company website. I was sober enough at this stage to know this was wrong and a clear breach of covid rules (four different households mixing indoors), but my inhibitions were low and it was not long before a bottle of Single Malt and a glass with ice was plonked in front of me.

The next thing I clearly recall was awaking at around 3am, laying on an unfamiliar, pretty uncomfortable blue mattress in a white tiled room with graffiti on the wall and a toilet bowl in the corner. It was the sound of a door closing that had disturbed my sleep and next to me was a small box with what appeared to be a couple of sausages and beans, with a cup of water. It didn’t take me long to figure out I was in a cell. And this is where I spent the next four hours, trying to fill in the blanks. No matter how hard I tried, I could not piece together a clear picture of what had taken place. I knew I had been at our HOM’s house at a party. I recalled the HOM’s husband taking me around and showing me some amazing artwork on the walls. I recalled going outside to smoke a cigarette and being joined by the COO, who also smoked. I also remembered our discussion becoming heated and him grabbing me by the arm, then the COO being led away by our HOM’s husband. But then, not much else… even to this day I cannot recall the gap between this and awakening inside a Police cell.

I had blacked out.

I was interviewed by Police the next morning, under caution on suspicion of GBH. The investigating officer informed me that the HOM’s husband had suffered a minor laceration to the back of his head from falling to the ground after I allegedly pushed him. Whilst, even to this very day, I do not recall pushing the man, I apparently admitted to doing this on Police body worn cameras upon my arrest.

Then the blackout continued - a different sort of blackout. I was released shortly after interview and I was told by Police that I should not contact the alleged victim or any of the witnesses. I had no way of piecing together events. All of my work connectivity had been disconnected. I had a brief conversation with a representative from the business, who was unable to talk in any detail about the events, but it was clear to me my position had become untenable and I tendered my resignation.

I heard nothing else. A month or so after the event, and against Police advice I reached out to the alleged victim in an effort to apologise and hopefully find out some more detail. No reply. Hardly surprising.?

The blackout continued. Despite contacting Police for updates or more information, I received nothing of significance. It became a living hell. It was like being stuck in a vortex with know way of escaping it. I became very depressed.

Six months went by and in November 2021 I received notification I was being charged with ABH, a lesser charge than I had been originally interviewed under caution for. I was scheduled to attend court in between Christmas and New Year of 2021. It was not until the morning of the court hearing I was presented with the evidence that the Police and CPS were relying on. By this stage, I was tired of it all and I just wanted the whole thing to be over, so I could get on with life. But I also knew there was a very real risk of a custodial sentence.?

According to statements made by those in attendance at the party, nobody witnessed the event taking place. The alleged victim claimed that I pushed him. It is unclear as to what led to this so called push, what was said or done to provoke that alleged response, what happened in the moments that followed the alleged victim leading the COO away and returning to me before he was pushed. I could not remember. None of the statements made by witnesses, including the the alleged victim offered details for these moments. Police statements made it clear that everyone in attendance were heavily inebriated. The Police and CPS were relying solely on my alleged admission on body worn camera that I had pushed the guy. It was still unclear for me as to which way I should plea. I hadn’t actually viewed the evidence they were depending on, as their system would not allow me to do so. I did not have a Police log in! I was not represented by a solicitor. I had chosen not too. Frankly, I had lost my job and was watching every penny at the time. I just wanted it all over with, as quickly as possible. Whilst there was reasonable doubt in my mind that there was more to this than met the eye, I wanted the blackout to end.

I chose to plead guilty. It was my quickest way out of this mess and to just get on with life.

With the benefit of hindsight and according to many I have confided in since, this was a bad decision - Sliding Doors moment #4. But, at the time it felt like the right plea and the right thing to do. I am a firm believer in justice and that applies to me as much as anyone else. However, had I have chosen to be represented by a solicitor, it would have, apparently (according to legal professionals I have spoken with since) been fairly easy for the evidence to be tested in court and there would have been a good chance the judge could have been convinced that this evidence should not be relied upon, in the same manner that I could not rely upon my inebriation and blackout as a valid excuse. However, to this day I believe that whilst there may have been reasonable doubt about the real truth of how events unfolded that night, it was the right decision to make to enable moving on for all involved.

Justice was served. On 26 January 2022 I received a six month custodial sentence, suspended for twelve months (meaning I did not need to do any time inside if I kept my nose clean for 12 months, which I of course did and, will continue to do). I was also placed on Curfew, and had to wear a tag for 4 months. In addition, (and despite my not touching a drop of alcohol since the incident) I had to wear another tag that could detect alcohol in my bloodstream. They threw the book at me, basically. It was about as tough a sentence as anyone could have received for an ABH charge.

In January of 2023, I became clear of legal charges and sentencing against me.

The Blackout was finally over. Whilst I may never know the real truth about what happened that night in the time between arriving at the HOM’s party through to when I woke up in a Police cell, I have served my time and answered for all or any of the mistakes I made during that time.?

Sadly however, it has become apparent to me through a number of people that I have spoken with since that certain members of the company I worked with, and others, have portrayed a very different version of events to friends and colleagues. None of them have faced justice for their own breaches of the laws in place at that time. They all continue in their roles, content that the justice served is one sided and continue to try and muddy my name at every given opportunity.

An alleged push (full context unclear) resulting in an inebriated man falling to the ground and suffering in a minor cut to his head requiring a butterfly stitch can also be described as a violent assault resulting in a major head injury. What people say, and the context of what actually happened, are often two very different things. And I am not proud of either description. But I can categorically state, hurting another person is not in my nature. It was not on that day, nor is it today.

So, this is my truth for all and any of my friends, colleagues, connections and anyone else who may, or may not have been informed of a very different version of events through the misguided jungle drums being played by others to suit their own agendas.

For anyone who has been affected by alcohol harm. For anyone who has suffers from Blackouts.

I feel deep remorse for the way things materialised that day. I wish things could have been different.

But I do not fear telling my side of the story I will not stand by and watch others gloat or portray self serving versions of events that took place, fires that they themselves fuelled and I am content that despite everything, I can hold my head up high and continue to weave together the pieces of my life that remain and continue forging a new direction. And nor should anyone else who is, has been, or will be affected by alcohol harm.

I am not making excuses for my actions, those I can remember or otherwise.

I am owning them.

I’ve been alcohol free now for two years and have been working quietly in the background volunteering with and supporting the charity Alcohol Change UK. I am keen to promote the dangers of excessive alcohol intake and the very real risks and dangers of Blackouts. Whilst the situation I was faced with was very serious, it could have been much, much worse and I will continue to work with Alcohol Change UK in this area over the years to come.?

#AlcoholChangeUK?works to end serious alcohol harm in the UK and I am proud to champion the cause - find out more here:?https://lnkd.in/dvTWA2hR

#change?#community?#connections?#awareness?#alcoholfree

-------------------------------------

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

Rudyard Kipling