Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery

One of the most basic human needs is a connection (attachment) to other human beings that begins from one’s earliest moments and continues throughout one’s life cycle (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010). Conradi, Boertien, Cavus, & Verschuere (2015) define attachment as “a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Conradi et al., 2010, p. 92). Children form an understanding of self and others through their connection with their primary caregiver that “provides the earliest training ground for coping with and expressing emotions (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010, p. 49). 

A positive attachment occurs when “the child’s main caregiver is viewed as available and responsive when needed as a source of protection, comfort, or validation, while an insecure attachment may happen when the child views the main caregiver as inconsistent available and responsive, or consistently unavailable” (Conradi et al., 2010, p. 92). Anderson (1999), defines abandonment as “the severing of attachment of relationships that may cause an intense feeling of grief and loss, often creating an emotional crisis” (Anderson, 1999, p. 5). Palihawadana, Broadbear, & Rao (2018), explain that fear of aloneness or having an intolerance to being alone may drive behavior to maintain dysfunctional and harmful relationships (Palihawadana et al., 2018, p. 60). The Black swan: The twelve lessons of abandonment recovery was written “as a metaphor to help internalize messages of growth, recovery, and provide emotional and spiritual guidance to those struggling with abandonment” (Anderson, 1999, p. 1). 

Summary

           The book is broken down into five distinct sections that help the reader understand the process of healing through issues of abandonment through the eyes of a little girl that is taken into the woods and abandoned by her father (Anderson, 1999).  The little girl begins a journey through brokenness and pain of being abandoned while wondering why he family no longer cares about her. She is taken to a foster home but feels alone and isolated. She meets a woman that begins to teach her how to embrace her brokenness and begin to heal through twelve separate lessons of self- empowerment, and healing (Anderson, 1999). 

Five Topics to Healing

Self. The first emphasis is on self, found in the first three chapters of the book (Anderson, 1999). The little girl meets with the black swan, which encourages the little girl to look inside herself to discover the center of her being (Anderson, 1999). The black swan tells her, “take your time for you must find the spot right in the center to go all the way inside to the place where you exist all by yourself” (Anderson, 1999, p. 24).  The black swan encourages her “to push those who had wounded her out for the space inside her is sacred, safe, and free” (Anderson, 1999, p. 34). The third lesson she is taught to stay in the present moment and not focus on the future that has not yet come (Anderson, 1999). The swan softly shares with her to “stay in the present moment, that is where all your power is for it is the way out of fear and you have the tools to find it” (Anderson, 1999, p. 34). 

Integrity. The second emphasis is on self- integrity that focuses on self-empowerment through separating oneself and being able to stand on one’s own to appreciate the importance of one’s own life, and give strength to face one’s self-reality, which increases the capacity for self-love and acceptance  (Anderson, 1999). The black swan shares with her “you are facing your separateness, and that is good, now embrace the pain of loss and cross over into the present and begin to fill your safe place with the warmth of self-love and self-acceptance” (Anderson, 1999, p. 45). 

Relationship. The third emphasis is on allowing oneself to be open and vulnerable for it is through authenticity that one genuinely can give from one’s heart to others (Anderson, 1999). The black swan encourages the little girl to “use the golden rule for it is not about how people treat you, but how you treat them for you have no control how others treat you but rather treating others exactly as you would like to be treated and the power of love will protect you” (Anderson, 1999, p. 68).

Purpose. The fourth emphasis is on finding purpose, meaning, and direction by gathering together all that has been learned and internalizing it, in order to seek one’s destiny.  (Anderson, 1999). The black swan shares with the little girl that “it is not about special strength, but rather about remembering to stay in the moment for the past and future both have the power to pull us out of the present but we must regain the moment and find our center and celebrate our existence for life is a miracle” (Anderson, 1999, p. 75). 

Love. The final emphasis is focusing on the love that through making a connection, the time has come to be ready to share unconditional love one with another (Anderson, 1999). The black swan shares that “life is a great gift, but it is not hers to take but rather hers to give so live for the moment and help others to find it and love them as you are learning to love life” (Anderson, 2019, p. 100). 

Concrete Responses

           The last couple of years have been the hardest years of my life emotionally, spiritually, and physically. For the past six years, my wife and I have tried to adopt our nephew from Indonesia, but Indonesia is a non-Hague country and does not allow for adoptions between the United States and Indonesia. We are presently trying to file the F-1 visa (student visa), so at least he can live with us instead of being stuck in Indonesia. My wife has traveled back and forth for the past six years. She stays six months in Indonesia then six months in the United States. I am worried that Joshua will have abandonment issues because he is too young to understand why mommy leaves him every year. I am worried that his inconsistent attachment with us will have lasting consequences for him in the future. I do not feel that we have had a steady and consistent marriage for the past 6 years. It has been challenging to allow my wife to come and go each year as I feel like a telephone husband. 

           Anderson (1999), teaches mindfulness-based techniques that encourage us to stay in the here and now and not become overwhelmed in the past or fear of the future. Mcclintock, Anderson, & Cranston (2015) explain that “at the core of mindfulness-based therapy is the habitual tendency to underappreciate their thoughts, feelings, and moment-to-moment experiences, and instead navigate their lives by relying on close others” (Mcclintock et al., 2015, p. 856).  Anderson (1999) emphasizes that we are the authors of our feelings and emotions. We can embrace our painful feelings, accept them, and find purpose and meaning within our moment to moment experiences.

Mcclintock et al., (2015) states that “a primary goal of mindfulness-based treatment is to help individuals to value and appreciate themselves and their own internal experiences with curiosity, openness, and acceptance” (Mcclintock et al., 2015, p. 856). It has been challenging to live in the moment when my wife has been 12.000 miles away for the past three months without knowing if yet if Joshua will be approved to enter first grade in September. However, reading this book has helped me to focus on the present moment, with what I can control and not keep worrying about the future.

My mother passed away on February 13th, 2017, in Jacksonville, Florida. I was very close to her, so it was overwhelming for me to process. I visited her in the hospital at the end of January but had airline reservations to visit my wife in Indonesia at the beginning of February. She had an endotracheal tube inserted in order to breathe so she could not talk. I was in her room with the rest of my family and barely spoke to her. I was struggling with grief and desperately trying to avoid the inevitable. Before I left, I said a couple of words but left the hospital room without really saying goodbye. 

 I was in Indonesia when my mother passed away so I could not even attend her funeral. Since her passing, I have struggled with feelings of being abandoned. I know she had no choice, but I miss our weekly conversations and our close relationship. The part of the book that really resonated with me was when the black swan said “you are facing your separateness, and that is good, now embrace the pain of loss and cross over into the present and begin to fill your safe place with the warmth of self-love and self-acceptance” (Anderson, 1999). It has been tough to process her passing away. I find myself many times, picking up the phone, and wanting to call her and share with her my thoughts and feelings.

Two months after my mother died and with my wife still living in Indonesia my only companion was the 13-year-old dog that did everything with me. On April 3rd, 2017, she had congestive heart failure and in the middle of the night, I had to take her to the pet hospital where they put her to sleep. It is very difficult to stay in the here and now when faced with multiple traumatic events in a short period. The black swan responds “it is not about special strength, but rather about remembering to stay in the moment for the past and future both have the power to pull us out of the present but we must regain the moment and find our center and celebrate our existence for life is a miracle” (Anderson, 1999, p. 75).

Reflection

Questions

Changing perspectives. The story of the little girl and her daddy abandoning her is a metaphor of how people, situations, hopes, and dreams may abandon a person and create deep-seated wounds and heartache. The story begins with a little girl and her daddy going into the woods to get some flowers but along the way her daddy leaves her on a rock stating he will be right back but as minutes, hours, and days pass, she soon realizes her daddy is not coming back (Anderson, 1999, p. 75).  Abandonment is not always an intentional act of others. In the beginning, the little girl saw this scenario a certain way through her perhaps tainted perspective, but towards the end of the book, her perception seems to change. This made me think that as we go through situations in the present time, we may not always see the big picture than as we look at it in retrospect. Are feelings of abandonment subjective, based on one’s present reality, though susceptible to change as one gleans new insight in the future? 

Communication. The little girl yearns to communicate with her mommy and daddy to ask them why they had hurt her, but when the little girl’s daddy returns, there is little communication. Communication is part of resolving past hurt and conflict. How can we use communication to resolve past issues of abandonment? The focus is on how to apply mindful-based techniques to help create a safe place and to fill oneself with unconditional love and acceptance but also there is a need to resolve conflict with others even for one’s benefit. Part of letting go of bitterness and resentment is in allowing deep-seated feelings released through communication by expressing how one feels towards another person.

Unconditional love and acceptance. The little girl rejects her father's prompting to come home with him, but as he leaves, she tells him, "I still love you." The last lesson the black swan teaches the little girl is about unconditional love based on the golden rule. How does one continue to love even within the depth of one's pain, brokenness, and abandonment? The little girl struggled to show love to the little boy that she felt rejection. When her daddy returned and prompted her to come with him, there seemed to be a sense of coldness in their communication. These were great examples of showing love amidst indifference without expecting love in return.   

Bothers/Excites

           The author's use of metaphor helped to symbolize various issues of abandonment and the use of mindfulness-based therapy to help stabilize and heal from those inflicted wounds. The use of metaphor with incorporating storytelling is an ingenious way of helping a client identify with his or her feelings of abandonment. 

   The use of the black swan helped to demonstrate one's uniqueness within one's commonness. The black swan stated that it was just ordinary, nothing special within himself. The swan was insinuating that our mutual life experiences connect us as human beings, all on individual journeys of self-discovery, though with the ability to apply similar practicable techniques to common problems. 

Application

Personal

            There are so many ways This writer plans to apply the lessons of this book to one’s personal and professional life. The author stated that she struggled with abandonment issues and first applied these lessons to her own life and through her personal application she was able to teach others how to apply it to their lives as well. The first step in sharing one’s experience, strength, and hope is to have worked and lived  through the process.

           Two life issues were identified in the concrete sections of this paper. How does one use mindfulness-based techniques when feeling abandoned for the past six years? The first step is giving voice to one’s feelings and embracing them. People tend to avoid or numb their negative feelings instead of embracing and accepting them. The second step is creating a place of safety. There seems to be a common thread with many therapeutic theory techniques. The third step is accepting the present experience without going back into the past or worrying about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (New International Version).

           The second issue in grieving over a deceased loved one it is best to let go of what one thinks he or she should have acted, communicated, or experienced. The past is the past that helped shape the present experience. What value is there in holding unto bitterness or resentment? All it does is continue to erode the fabrics of one’s experience. When people practice embracing who they are and find the courage to be imperfect, only then will they learn how to practice authenticity consciously can feel happy and grateful about their lives, the first step towards wholehearted living and loving (Brown, 2010, p. 6).

Professional

           Therapists are always growing, learning, and seeking to apply empirically supported treatments to his or her practice. The five topics of healing that includes; self, integrity, relationship, purpose, and love, is an excellent way to start in helping to process abandonment issues through mindfulness-based treatment with clients. These topics could be presented in a group counseling or church home study meeting and discussed and processed. 

There are no specific guidelines on how to use the book in conjunction with therapy. There could be more information provided on how to apply the book as a tool to use alongside counseling session appointments. Perhaps having the client first read the book and discuss his or her understanding, then proceeding through each chapter and teaching mindfulness-based techniques.  

Conclusion

              The Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery teaches others how to manage abandonment issues through storytelling and the use of metaphor. Trauma stunts growth as it keeps pain and heartbreak deep within but when one releases his or her pain through storytelling, the pain can become part of one’s life story rather than something to be avoided and everything is put more in perspective.  

 Many treatment theories borrow from being mindful of keeping in the moment: Acceptance Commitment Therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, and other mindfulness-based approaches. The focus is to stay in the present moment for when one falls into the past or trapped in fear of tomorrow, and then it is easy to be overcome by pain, sorrow, and regret.

References

Anderson, S. (1999). Black swan: The twelve lessons of abandonment recovery: Featuring, the allegory of the little girl on the rock. Huntington, NY: Rock Foundations Press.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Blaustein, M., & Kinniburgh, K. M. (2010). Treating traumatic stress in children and adolescents: How to foster resilience through attachment, self-regulation, and competency. New York: Guilford Press.

Conradi, H. J., Boertien, S. D., Cavus, H., & Verschuere, B. (2015). Examining psychopathy from an attachment perspective: The role of fear of rejection and abandonment. The Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology, 27(1), 92-109. doi:10.1080/14789949.2015.1077264

Mcclintock, A. S., Anderson, T., & Cranston, S. (2015). Mindfulness Therapy for Maladaptive Interpersonal Dependency: A Preliminary Randomized Controlled Trial. Behavior Therapy, 46(6), 856-868. doi:10.1016/j.beth.2015.08.002

Palihawadana, V., Broadbear, J. H., & Rao, S. (2018). Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder. Australasian Psychiatry, 27(1), 60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154