For Black People Wearing “The Face” and Who Have Considered Suicide Because the 2020s Are Too Much

2022 ushered in yet another iteration of high-profile, mass Black death.

Ian Alexander, 26 — musician and son of Regina King

Moses J. Moseley, 31 — actor, Walking Dead

Cheslie Kryst, 30 — attorney and Miss USA 2019

Kevin Ward, 44- second Black and first openly-gay Mayor of Hyattsville, MD

All departed, from this earthly realm…

By suicide.

At the top of the year rapper?Kevin Gates, 36 talked about his suicide attempt?and the encounter that changed his decision.

Yesterday,?suicide hit the Historically Black College (HBCU) community?with the?death of student cheerleader,?Arlana Miller?at Southern University and A&M College.

According to the?CDC, while the overall rate of suicide has gone down by 3% since the beginning of the pandemic, for Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC), the trend has gone up, and is most prevalent in men of color.

Suicide often feels sudden. Ironically, this is rarely ever the case. Suicide is most often a slow compilation of chronic burdens and stress that builds over a period of time. This week on?Red Table Talk?April Simpkins, the mother of Cheslie Kryst opened up about high-functioning depression and anxiety. “Depression is not always marked by people laying in bed. There are people who are high functioning and getting through the day. Cheslie wore?the face.”

Like Cheslie, Ian, Moses, Kevin and Arlana wore “The Face.”

Each of these stars was talented in their own right. They had successful careers, recognition, and accomplishment — and yet that alone wasn’t enough to survive this lifetime.

Being Black in America is a constant juggling act.

• You can’t be too?real without being “aggressive,” “difficult,” or “ghetto”
• You can’t be?“too ghetto” or you will be discriminated against and socially cast out of every opportunity.
• You can’t be?“too exceptional” or you’ll be taken advantage of or tokenized.
• You can’t be?“too basic” or you’re deemed not smart, worthy, or exceptional enough.
• You can’t be?“too direct” because you’ll be perceived as the angry Black man or the angry Black woman.
• We can’t congregate?in groups, or Black people will be perceived as threatening or disturbing the peace.
• Black kids can’t?laugh too loud in public, or the police get called.
• Black kids can’t?make too many mistakes, because the right one will throw them in prison or get them killed.
• Black men are unforgivable
• Black women bear the weight of society’s burdens
• Black incarcerated bodies don’t matter to anyone
• You can’t be too…

…the list goes on.

Add to this the constant unspoken expectation that Black people should codeswitch and adapt to make everyone around them “comfortable” even at the expense of our own discomfort. We see this at work, at school, and in our communities as soon as we walk out of the door to face the day.

Like these beautiful souls, I know a thing or two about carrying heavy burdens and wearing “The Face.”

I was emancipated from the foster care system after my first semester in college. While in school I studied abroad, held a paid internship every summer, was a student leader, I was on TV more times than the average person by the time I graduated, and I eventually graduated with a job starting my career in the classroom. Over time I mastered the art of navigating white academic spaces and “well-meaning” white nonprofit spaces, and I’ve internalized best practices as a Black woman in high-level rooms. Most people would look at me and describe my experience as anything but average.

What my resume doesn’t read is that I am a survivor of prolonged childhood sexual assault and physical abuse. It doesn’t account for the number of foster homes I lived in my high school career while I simultaneously worked to get myself to college. And it certainly doesn’t account for the prolonged social, and financial impact of living as an adult who was raised by a system and has suffered from chronic childhood trauma.

But this is the mystery?and danger?of the perception of high-achieving individuals. We don’t wear our stories on us. We also don’t express our vulnerabilities so readily because when we do need help, we’re expected to “figure it out,” like we almost always do. And so, when help fails us, we throw our troubles on our backs and put on “The Face” to keep going.

But what happens when the?Surface Pressure?is just too much?

Well in the words of Mirabel’s older sister Luisa, in Disney’s hit movie Encanto, you’re left facing “Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’til you just go pop”

I don’t battle with chronic depression and I have never personally considered suicide as an option, however, I do know what it feels like to reach a breaking point and I am no stranger to the unforgiving pressure that comes with surviving this life as a Black woman with a background like mine. It’s the scariest feeling in the world to feel like you’re racing against a closing hole in a dark tunnel of depression and the object of the game is don’t get trapped. I know what it feels like to wait forever for salvation and the fatigue from trying to keep going is just too much.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably looking for an answer to your burdens. While I don’t have the solution, I do have some tools that I employ to mitigate and cope with pressure, that I hope will help you along your mental health journey too:

1. Practice the art of self grace and self-forgiveness

I read a caption on a friend’s Instagram the other day that read “The first step of reconnecting to my joy was forgiving myself for all the things I could have only known after going through them.”

I’ve gone back to this quote over and over again because it so beautifully captures the essence of self-forgiveness and grace in an era where we expect so much of ourselves. You may not be in your dream job, your family story may not be what you want it to be, you may not be making the money you want to make, you may not have the network you wish you had, and yet you are persisting in spite of it. There are no brownie points for finishing first or fast. Hug yourself and gently remind yourself how resilient you are. You deserve the same grace and gentleness, you’re probably distributing freely to others.

2. Log off the internet and Stop Comparing Your Life to Others

Everyone regardless of how easy people make it look faces ups and downs. You may have money in one season, and none the next. You may feel healthy in one season, and terrible the next. You may get to travel in one season, and have trouble traveling the next. The internet is a place where people curate the pages of their life story. The gag is, you can’t cut, paste, and copy real-life events. Regardless of who “likes” it, this life is but a series of ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys, a mystery to behold. You have to “like” your life. This includes the journey. Everybody’s journey is different. Try to marvel at the beauty in that.

3. Appreciate the Good Things About Yourself

This is a hard time for all of us. For high-achieving people, you may especially feel challenged with not being able to accomplish your goals in the time that you’d like for any number of reasons. Recognize your life has value beyond what you can accomplish. And know, that what’s been accomplished already, is enough. You are here today, and you should be proud of how far you’ve come. Take some time to reflect on the good things about yourself that got you here. These healthy reminders help reset the mind when we feel bogged down by the pursuit of that next big goal.

4. Ask for Help

This is a hard one because if you’re anything like me, you’d rather suffer than ask for help. When the pandemic hit, I recently graduated from an ivy-league university with no full-time job offer. Financially, I was unsure how I was going to ride the wave. Eventually, I started a business, that would change how I viewed my work and my own capabilities. However, any success I had in the low moments of entrepreneurship came because I finally reached a point of asking my friends and family for help. When I did, I was surprised by all the ways my village came together to lift me up in big ways and small. Some shared my business with others, some gave money, and some shared a word that carried me through the storm.

Perhaps you don't have a close network you can trust, seeking support from local nonprofits, and searching for digital groups of similar interests through following hashtags, joining?Facebook groups, or connecting with people on?meetup.com, is a great place to start.

Humility is a powerful virtue. A little goes a long way, it resonates with most people, and it never goes out of style.

______________________________________________________________

So this message is for Black people who are survivors, and those fighting for their mental health. This is for those wearing “The Face” and may have possibly considered suicide because the 2020s are too much. I know you’re tired and the world feels weighty, but I want you to know that we are in this together, and we will be okay.

If you are looking for a sign to keep persevering, this is it.

You are worthy, you are strong, you deserve grace, and you will get through this.

To the person living with high functioning depression and anxiety, it’s okay to be completely F’d up right now. In fact, it’s a completely normal response. The entire American ecosystem is broken, and you alone should not be expected to fix it.

Save your strength for another day, superhero.

Rest.

Read the original post and related content on my Medium page.