Black moms stay momming

My mom's been coming up a lot in my answers to questions lately. She is one of my favorite people of all time. I don't think I've actually said that to her, so I need to let her know ASAP. My mom is one of the first person to do something COMPLETELY new in her family. In 1989, she sacrificed the life she had been building and loved to build a life that seemed completely out of reach, even CRAY-ZEEE! She didn't care though. When she tells the story of her emigration to the US it always blows my mind because she had a WHOLE family when she did it but the new DREAM was bigger than the dream she used to have and coming to America (all puns and associations intended) was necessary.

“When I heard your sister on the radio station, I knew I needed to go to a place where she could have every opportunity to achieve ANYTHING she could possibly want, and New York seemed to be the likely place.”

She was one of the lucky ones. She'd discovered her passion early enough to have a lifelong career as a nurse. So she came to America to continue her studies and start building the life she imagined possible. Then she found herself working two or three jobs at a time, one check for the kids and the households “holding us”, one for savings and one for living expenses in America. I’m always amazed by how beautiful and young she continues to look even after all the hard work and stress to build the life she decided was necessary.

It’s not Mother’s Day yet, but I wanted to honor her now, because I think about her life and the sacrifices she made to prepare for me. I’ll let me sisters write their own tributes. This one is from me. I remember how she decided I was coming to live with her. As as a 12 year old, I had gotten used to my mom being away so the idea that I now had to pack up and go live with her, at the time felt like such an inconvenience. She knows because I spent a lot of time negotiating with her and explaining all of the benefits of me continuing to live in St. Vincent but that was the agreement and I had no choice.

When I was a few months shying of moving in with my mom, the extended family shared stories of all the reasons my mom was, let’s say different. I was scared to death of the woman they painted for me so I decided I’d just do whatever she said as best as I could. Her first order happened in the middle of our drive to my new school. Don’t talk to strangers, avoid weird cars, if I’m lost or need something ask security for help. Within a few minutes, I was talking to some random woman who introduced herself as the Vice Principal’s wife and taking stuff inside to her husband. I waved goodbye to my mom — jaw dropped and complete horror— as she waved back. In a way, I wanted to be the perfect kid and strived for it but sometimes I just liked doing what felt right in the moment, even if it didn’t align with a particular rule that was in place.?

Ultimately though, my mom is my hero. She's the only ride or die I've ever met and if I had my way she would live forever (and in a way she will, when I help her write her story). Without her and everything she allowed or forbid, I don’t get to have the trail of success behind me. I don’t get to be a person of integrity willing to own my idiosyncratic behavior or words. I don’t get to say stuff like I’ve had four careers before forty while nonchalantly saying oh and by the way I wrote these really amazing children’s books that I am terrible at promoting LOL. Without her bravery, I don’t get to be as brave as I am…fearless in a way that is problematic because I don’t have the anxiety one might expect from a huge career change or LOSS or move to a completely new state to bet on a vision I’ve been mulling around for a bit. Without her, I don’t get to hear her say to me on the day I graduate from law school (the only degree she cares about) “this is the reason I came to America.” Without her I don’t exist in any form I’ve taken since my conception.

Her advice was pivotal for my law school success and she doesn’t have a law degree, or any degree for that matter. Two moments stick out to me for law school. The first was when I didn’t get the highest grade in all of my classes and I told her I couldn’t compete with the people and she asked me “Since when do you compete with others, you’ve alway beaten to your own drum”. The second was when I was having a moral dilemma about taking a job at a Big Law firm instead of pursuing public interest, my moms said to me after listening to me vent about yet another thing she didn’t quite understand about law school…”Bee, just because you care about the public interest doesn’t mean you need to become it”. I always think about both of these moments, because in each case she was unequivocally wise her approach and told me what I needed to do without telling me what to do. I always tell her if I could choose a different mom, I would keep her because she’s exactly who I needed to be propelled into my purpose.?

Black mommas think about everything. They are like little amoebas sucking up everything before it comes in your path or shade covering you when on a hot day when you don’t even know you need protection. At least, that’s my momma. One of my favorite things about my early adolescent years was the amount of trust my hyper-controlling mom had to give to me even when she didn’t want to. I think I earned it some of the time, I was usually responsible but I was no match for her hyper-skepticism — I say that because #ifyouknowyouknow. It’s like a West Indian momma’s right of passage to just give you a look that makes you spill your guts regardless of the consequences. I remember when I turned 25 and I called her and thanked her for protecting me from having to make some of the choices many of my friends were making as teenagers or early 20-somethings. Sometimes mommas don’t know if you get it, but I needed her to know I am happy she understood her assignment and I wasn’t holding any grudges even when she made mistakes.

One of my why’s and frankly the biggest one is being a catalyst to God’s promise to my mother than her latter years will be greater than her former years. I want every part of who I am to be another beautiful jewel in her crown but I always want to be the safety net she provided for me by letting me know no matter how angry she was about a decision I was making or something I had done, SHE HAD MY BACK. Yes she had her ways but I learned them and managed her much like I managed her mom when I lived with her in my formative years. Yes she is a really pain in the butt sometimes, but talking to my friends, that’s just Momisms.?

Send some love to your Black momma (or just your momma). I don’t care what is going on right now, if you still have your momma give her all the love you have for her because time is precious and we never know when we will lose the opportunity to let our mommas know we love em.

Tell me how you love on your mom as an adult.

Do you only wait for special occasions or do you show up for the glow up any time you feel like?

If your mom has transitioned to the other side of eternity, how do you honor her everyday?

#theblaxcellencememo

#momsarethebest

#loveyourmommy

#mommydearest

#blacklove

#blackfamily

#blackmomsanddaughters