Biz Nuggets transcript: 9/29

Live from the other half of the 50%, it’s a supercharged Thursday Uber Nugget edition of Business Pants.

Joined as always by Matt “ESG Expert” Moscardi, I’m off-brand olive oil.

In today’s oxymoron-scented bag of irony-flavored nuggets called September 29, 2022: Biz Nuggets, Anger Nuggets, and some more Biz Nuggets.

DAMION1

Woke Data: In our 'Hey Ma, this article has the word belching in the title so it's probably about Elon Musk making fun of somebody or a cute story about Warren Buffett and his Diet Coke and his enormous appetite for Occidental Petroleum, Tell Dad!' headline of the week. Alaska Lakes 'Belching' Damaging Methane After Ice Melt: NASA Expert*************** https://www.businessinsider.com/alaska-lakes-belching-damaging-methane-after-ice-melt-nasa-expert-2022-9

Woke Data: In our 'The E stands for the Environment, the S stands for Social Warrior Justice and the G stands for... um... the G stands for... Hey Debbie, What does the goddamn G stand for again?!' headline of the week. Bain Partners with Top Universities to Upskill all Global Consultants on ESG*************** https://www.esgtoday.com/bain-partners-with-top-universities-to-upskill-all-global-consultants-on-esg/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=bain-partners-with-top-universities-to-upskill-all-global-consultants-on-esg

Woke Data: In our 'If you listen real closely, that sound you hear is Vivek Ramaswamy gently sobbing' headline of the week. Richard Branson's Virgin Atlantic is now allowing 'gender-fluid' uniforms*************** https://fortune.com/2022/09/28/richard-branson-virgin-atlantic-staff-allowed-choose-uniform-express-gender-identity/

Woke Data: In our 'Hey Ma, The guy at the slots machine is yelling at that other guy at the other slots machine again, tell Dad!' headline of the week. Short-seller Carson Block calls out ESG investing, says many companies are 'money grabs'*************** https://www.cnbc.com/2022/09/28/carson-block-calls-out-esg-investing-says-some-companies-are-money-grabs-.html

Pledge/Promise/Vow/2050: In our 'The roadmap includes a 20-year layover in 'I Don't Give A Shit-slyvania and a 5-year stop in East-Who The Fuck Cares I won't Be CEO in 2050 and They're not Paying me for this hopey-changey Shit' headline of the week. EasyJet reveals roadmap to achieve net-zero by 2050*************** https://traveltomorrow.com/easyjet-reveals-roadmap-to-achieve-net-zero-by-2050/

MATT1

In our… honey, I’m in a bidding war with biggballz345 to buy Travis Kalanick's used deodorant stick, the one he use that year he gave an interview to GQ saying he should rename the company “Boob-er” for all the chicks he was getting… how much can I spend on it?? Headline of the week: Mark Zuckerberg's old camp counselor just sold the Meta CEO's Little League baseball card for $105,000

• Two things: first, we fetishize billionaires SO FUCKING MUCH we’re buying college candid shots and little league baseball cards?? Second, WHAT FUCKING CAMP COUNSELOR KEEPS THE LITTLE LEAGUE CARD OF A 9 YEAR OLD FOR 20 YEARS?

In our… HEY MA!? HOW DID WE SPEND $737.94 THIS MONTH ON “SUBSCRIPTIONS”?? DOES THAT INCLUDE MY CONTINUING SUPPLY OF JUGGLING BALLS AND DAD’S ENDLESS CHICKEN WINGS AT HOOTERS SUBSCRIPTIONS?? ASK DAD!... headline of the week: Restaurants like P.F. Chang’s are looking a lot like Netflix with their new business model

• Because what we’ve all been missing is subscriptions to increasing diabetes

In our… ok, I know you’ve explained this to me a few time… and I know you drew a chart about it… and I know I took that class to learn about it last year… and I know you sent me away to that camp where we talked about it for 3 days… and I really appreciate you setting me up with a job doing it… but remind me again, what the hell is this?... headline of the week: Green Colored Glasses: Private Prisons are a socially responsible investment, according to bizarre wall street measures.

• This story was shared by Tariq Fancy, the Jesus of ESG See I Told You So Ism, and includes this paragraph: Compliance [with ESG] can be lucrative. For instance, among the many ESG ratings agencies, a company with nonwhite or female board members or a decision to simply conduct a racial equity audit or DEI report can automatically lead to a higher score, and corporations with high ESG rankings find placement in special exchange-traded funds, or ETFs, that are marketed as socially responsible, opening the door for investor cash.
• And Fancy is quoted: “People who are buying these funds almost always believe that they’re doing something to make the world a better place, and in reality, they’re just moving shares around in publicly traded companies,”
• SAID A MAN WHO WORKED IN FINANCE - what the fuck do you think finance is?
• And can we please, pretty please, stop pretending “ESG” solves something???

In our… I want to be a tech mogul.? How can I say I’m a tech mogul?? What do we make again?? Shoes?? It’s 2022, you can’t wear shoes on the internet!? Wait, you CAN wear shoes on the internet?? Fake digital shoes?? That people spend, like, real life money on?? So if I sell fake shoes on the internet, I’m a tech mogul, right?? JUST DO IT… headline of the week: Nike is minting money in the metaverse

DAMION2

Woke Data: In our 'Hey Dilbert Author Scott Adams, I think it's time to unveil your character named Abortion who self-identifies as a Climate Change Chinese Hoax Warrior' headline of the week. Climate Change Fears Driving 40% of People to Avoid Having Children, Survey Finds - Green Queen Media*************** https://www.greenqueen.com.hk/climate-change-fears-driving-40-of-people-to-avoid-having-children-survey-finds/

Woke Data: In our 'Because they let women be General Counsels, you dummy, if they let women be CEOs then the article would be called How CEOs became the corporate ‘voice of conscience’' headline of the week. How general counsel became the corporate ‘voice of conscience’*************** https://www.ft.com/content/f510f38e-80b8-4f32-8c4f-a4c78c88e17d

Drugs: In our 'The fist toy is called the CEO Chris Kempczinski, when you pull the string it apologizes for a racist text that blamed the death of two murdered Black and Latino children on the childrens' parents.' headline of the week. McDonald's is launching Happy Meals for adults, featuring an unnerving set of toys with 2 pairs of eyes*************** https://www.businessinsider.com/mcdonalds-happy-meals-adults-hamburglar-toys-cactus-buddy-fast-food-2022-9

Drugs,Dystopia: In our 'How do you know your e-coli-flavored burrito was cooked by a robot? when your diarrhea is loaded with laser beams and algorithmic bias and 3D printed corn' headline of the week. Chippy, Chipotle’s robot cook, is finally making its public debut in California*************** https://www.fastcompany.com/90793119/chippy-chipotle-chip-robot

OK Billionaire!: In our 'He also said he hates punching only one person at the party, that he hates when a traffic accident kills only some of the passengers in the car, and that he hates that his stupid deck of cards has all those wage-earning 2s and 3s and 4s' headline of the week. Silicon Valley venture capitalist Bill Gurley said he 'hates' small rounds of layoffs: 'You get 100 percent of the pain and very little gain'*************** https://www.businessinsider.com/silicon-valley-investor-bill-gurley-hates-small-layoffs-little-benefit-2022-9