Birds Of A Feather

“You show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” - Anonymous?

Wise words. There is some measure of truth to that. The people you spend most of your time with will determine what kind of person you will become.?

If I were to line up all of my friends like ducks in a row, I would have 3 pigeons, 2 cats, 1 stray dog, 6 lemmings, 1 rat, a bull, a crab missing his claw, and several that are there for aesthetic reasons.?

There would be no ducks.?

By all accounts I should be either in cellblock 67837 with a cellie named Randal, sitting on a therapist's couch, or trying to revive my failing acting career as a contestant on Dancing With The Stars.?

Thankfully I live like I am on the lamb with my dog and a few books.

The hermit's life for me.?

I have been fortunate to know the most uniquely strange band of miscreants I call my good friends.?

Each one is without a doubt, crude, rude, and socially unacceptable. Just the way I like it.?

?And everyone has enough memories to share that we could write several volumes of comedic work that would be banned in most countries.?

I am reluctant to share a few, but after considerable deliberation, I have concluded that these memories are part of who I am.?

They are the backbone of not only how I now view the world but also how I made sense of it along the way.?

My friends have all matured and have become some of the most productive citizens I have ever met. To say that I am blessed to be a part of their lives is an understatement.

It’s Christmas time 2008. I am at Mayfair Mall in Milwaukee. One of the last premier shopping centers in the city. Holiday cheer is in full swing.?

Families are bustling with department store bags. The line to sit on Santa’s lap stretches from one exit to the other. Carolers are on the second floor serenading shoppers with yuletide.?

The energy is electric. Someone, somewhere,? is playing Christmas songs in the food court on a piano.?

My friend and I are weaving through the crowds of people for last-minute gift ideas. Our goal was to get some shopping done before we met everyone else downtown on Water Street.

Some of the guys were home for the holiday break, and this was our chance for all of us to stop at a few bars and connect.?

My friend wanted to stop at Spencers for a few unmentionable gift ideas. This was long before it turned into a clothing retail shop.?

The store was located on the second floor, so we took the escalator up and found ourselves in a throng of holiday shoppers.?

What happened next, no words can describe the sheer embarrassment of what I was going to experience at the hands of my friend.?

The moment my foot touched the second-floor carpet, my friend turned to me and in the loudest voice imaginable said; “Did you just call me a gorilla?”?

To put my friend into context for the story, he is a 6’5 185 lb muscular athletic black man.

I froze. My mouth gaped open. A swallow, though I try not to, could have flown into my mouth and built a nest.?

He darted into the Foot Locker to my left doubling over in laughter behind the glass.?

Big fat tears rolled down his cheek. He was having trouble catching his breath behind the Air Jordan display. His grin was ear to ear.?

The sheer look of horror on everyone’s face said it all. It was as if time stood still.?

Santa was caught in mid-Ho. Toddlers popped their heads from their strollers to give me a stank eye of disapproval. The Carolers let out a collective ooooooooo.?

I could have sworn the guy playing the piano keyed out a Don! Don! Donnnnn!

I, a pasty white man who can disappear behind a sheet of copier paper turned a bright shade of red.?

I felt trapped in that moment. I thought a mob would hurl me over the railing. There was nowhere for me to go. If the Grinch stole Christmas, I was the guy who just made matters worse.?

“Did that white man just say that?” Is all I heard.

Pushing past the few people, I walked away. I didn’t care if my friend followed or not. I was so pissed. Humiliated! All I could see was red, and it wasn’t from all the holiday decorations.?

My friend caught me near the exit. I couldn’t even look at him. All he could do was barely keep himself composed without having another fit of laughter.?

Right there I demanded that he take me home right then and there.?

I was not going out tonight, and he could tell everyone why. I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to punch him right in the face.

He couldn’t even reply. Not surprised since he was wiping tears from his eyes and smiling.?

In the parking lot, all he did was laugh and comment on how embarrassed I looked. Telling me he wished he would have filmed it.??

“Why would you do that?” I asked with cold anger.??

“That was your Christmas gift.” He replied. He came over and tried to hug me.

I ran between two parked cars. We spent the better part of the next 30 minutes with him chasing me through the parking lot demanding a hug and kiss.

“Come on Jason! It wasn’t that serious. Quit being so dumb.”??

“You’re messed up in the head man!” I yelled behind a Dodge Durango.?

He did end up catching me next to a Honda Civic. He put me over his shoulder in a fireman carry and took me back to his car.??

He refused to take me home.?

Instead, we drove through a few neighborhoods where he told me that I was one of his best friends and that he would never let anything happen to me. We were brothers. But the look on my face was priceless. He said he was sorry.?

How much I believed that was still up in the air.?

He still managed to convince me to come out and grab a few drinks.?

At the bar, he took it upon himself to tell all of our friends what had happened. Essentially stealing the spotlight at my expense. Everyone roared.?

Not me, I nursed my Vodka Tonic and licked my wounds in the corner. A few times I told them all they could go to hell. It wasn’t until about 4 shots in that I eventually came around.?

By that time, everyone was interested in my take, which made the story all more memorable.

And even more embarrassing.?

That Christmas was one for the books. We all ended up bar hopping and just being a bunch of stupid guys on break. With me the butt of the joke for the entire night.??

I can’t excuse his behavior any more than I could excuse my own at times. To this day that friend is still near and dear to my heart. I don’t know what I would do without him.?

Though our lives have taken different paths, he has always made good on his promise that he would never let anything happen to me.

I don’t think he realizes how proud I am to be considered his friend.?

We all talk now and then, and when adulting gives us guys a chance to break free from responsibility, he doesn’t miss a beat to remind me of what shade of red I can become.

So yeah. Show me your friends and I will show you your future. From where I am sitting, I have strength, loyalty, and a bright time to come.??

And I wouldn’t have any other way. Good or bad, those knuckleheads gave me the best gift that I could have ever possibly been given.?

Their friendship.?