The Bird at my Window

Lately, I have been working from home a lot, and there has been a sound that is really unnerving when I'm in the quiet of my home office. If you're the paranoid type, like me, it sounds like it's probably a brazen intruder who doesn't mind the light of day and is openly trying to break and enter. The first few times I heard it, I held my breath as long as I could, hoping that I could either enhance my auditory senses enough to triangulate the exact position and intentions of the intruder, or, short of that, to possibly render myself unconscious so not to be present for the unsavory events that would unfold. However, as the sound persisted at various windows, with no effective breaking or entering, I mustered the courage to investigate with more than just my oxygen-deprived ears.

It turns out the sound was being made by a bird. My husband, who apparently has known about this bird, calls him 'special' because he repeatedly flings himself into our windows. He sits on the outside sill, and he intermittently rests and then flutters into the glass for up to 15 minutes at a stretch. And then he flies back to his tree branch in our yard, only to return to a different window later. One day, I was in the car, finishing some communications on my phone in the driveway before I walked into the house, and the bird, heretofore referred to as Jay, flew right into my driver's side window. Being the jumpy sort, I don't mind telling you that I very nearly died from the start it gave me.

So now that I have become accustomed to the background noise of Jay repetitively flapping and flopping against the windows, I have started to ponder the deeper meaning that I could find in his futility. Of course, there's the obvious quote from Einstein about the definition of insanity (doing the same thing and expecting different results). And a reference to 'opportunity knocking'. Then there's the Bible parable about the midnight neighbor who gets what he wants through importunity and persistence. There are probably also a lot of self-help books out there about unhealthy compulsions. Nothing was really resonating with me, though. Existentially, I might see myself in Jay. Lost in a cycle of unproductive monotony, feeling like an outsider looking in, but that's not the stuff of good LinkedIn articles.

So then I did a little research into why birds fly into windows on purpose. This is something you may find intellectually interesting; it's a common phenomenon in the spring and fall (for various reasons that you can look up if you want to know), and it's generally due to the fact that the bird sees its reflection and, thinking the image is a rival bird, attacks. Jay is attacking my window. This has potential. This is quixotic.

So, what are the ways we tilt at windmills and attack our reflections? What hope is to be found in identifying our tendencies and, calling them by name, exorcising them from our lives? In short, a lot.

What is the first step in a 12-step program? Identifying and admitting there is a problem. So let me give you a few examples, to see if any start to sound familiar. Step one underway.

Procrastination

I put it first, so I wouldn't put it off. (See what I did there?) This is one of the most self-defeating habits we have, and no one is immune. It is also one of the quickest ways to start feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of what's ahead of you. When you start feeling overwhelmed, you can sometimes manifest these feelings by being overly aggressive or overly withdrawn, neither of which is overly productive. (For instance, maybe you wouldn't have as much road rage if you left a little earlier - just sayin'.) Make realistic agendas, and don't stop until the tasks are checked off. Period.

Lack of Discipline

This is similar to procrastination, except you're not just putting something off - you might never do it at all. Discipline begets discipline. It also begets productivity and progress, and it mitigates anger. If you're feeling as if you're spinning your wheels, consider what small discipline you could add to your life, even if it's a block of time you practice an instrument every day, or determine to sit down and journal. You might be surprised at the ways you start to feel more confident in your ability to get more accomplished, even though you're missing that part of your day devoted to your new discipline.

Branding yourself as 'tough'

There is probably no faster way to be like Jay than to try to create a 'tough' facade. There is no place in today's marketplace for aggressive leaders or subordinates. (For that matter, there's no place in today's families, churches, or communities, either.) If you want to grow, succeed, and engage, you've got to drop the Foghorn Leghorn act and humble yourself enough to learn from everyone around you. Serve them. When you're looking for ways to help people, it's harder to be angry at them. It's also easier to get them to support you with their genuine best effort, so you don't have to tackle every monster by yourself.

Expecting too much of yourself

This goes without saying, but you will, by definition, be disappointed if you expect too much from yourself. In sales, we're told to 'know our stats'. Why? Because if we know our closing ratio, we can know how many accounts to put in the pipe to get to the result we need. But if the average person can make 100 contacts a day, and your objectives would require you to make 1,000 contacts a day, something's got to give. One caveat to that: necessity is the mother of invention, so it's possible that you could come up with some innovative way to close bigger deals, make more connections, or increase your close ratio. But generally speaking, unrealistic expectations are a recipe for disengagement and failure. You'll make excuses, be miserable, and come off as defensive and/or combative - not to mention, unsuccessful.

Being justified

This one might be unpopular because we all have so many reasons to be justified these days. But the more grace you extend to others, the less you will find yourself fighting battles that will never be won. Too much justification may leave you a very lonely person, with no one to attack but your own reflection in the glass.

Are there any other self-defeating habits you have, that you can identify in yourself or others? What should I add to the list?