The Biggest Mistakes I Made Trying to Fix Other People's Problems

Today at a Glance:

• Helping others too much can create dependency and burnout.
• Overstepping robs others of their chance to grow.
• Setting boundaries is essential for healthier relationships.

The year is 2016.

We've just finished our 3rd year undergraduate exams and my friends are thinking of going swimming.

I don't know how to swim, but I want to go. I want to learn.

So I asked my friend, “Will there be a lifeguard in case things go sideways”

He says “Yes, there will be one, but then I don't think he's good enough”.

“Why”, I ask.

My friend tells me that the last time things went sideways, the person almost drowned before the lifeguard helped him. He says the lifeguard just watched and told people to calm down until he actually did something.

When I heard this, I was too afraid to go to the pool, so I didn't.

Years later, I understand why this guy almost drowned before the lifeguard helped him.

You see, lifeguards know that a panicked person can be dangerous. Trying to grab someone who's flailing in fear can put both of you at risk.

So in those moments, they wait until the person is tired and weak, and then they jump in to help.

But most of us do not. When we see someone we care about struggling, our instinct is to jump in and help.

I used to do this all the time. I thought it was my job to fix people's problems, to make things better.

But as I've learned, that approach can backfire. Not only did it leave me overwhelmed and resentful, but it also prevented the people I was trying to help from finding their own solutions.

In this article, I'll share the biggest mistakes I made when trying to solve other people's problems, and how I've learned to support people in a healthier, more effective way.

If you've ever found yourself drowning in other people's problems, I hope these insights can help you move from a place of stress to a place of strength.

1.? Helping can be a short-term fix

One of the biggest mistakes people make is not realizing that trying to solve someone else's problem for them is often a short-term fix with long-term consequences.

Sure, it feels good at the moment. It feels heroic - but what I didn't realize was that I was robbing the other person of their chance to grow.

If you keep stepping in, you're sending the message that they can't do it on their own. Instead of empowering them, you create dependency.

Soon enough, you're stuck in a cycle where you're always the one they turn to, and they never learn how to stand on their own.

This approach burned me out quickly because it became exhausting to be the "problem solver" for everyone around me.

2. There's an Invisible Cost to Helping People

I didn't realize it at first, but over time, trying to make everyone happy began to leave me feeling drained, anxious, and even resentful.

Why? Because I was giving too much of myself without setting boundaries.

And in a way, I also found that helping people can come from a place of insecurity or fear.

We think we're being selfless, but we're really avoiding our issues by focusing on someone else's. It took me a while to realize that the more I poured into others, the more I depleted my emotional energy.

I learned that overhelping doesn't just hurt the other person - it hurts you, too.

Your energy, time, and mental clarity are limited resources, and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself drained.

3. Helping Can Hurt More

Never in my life would I have thought it reasonable for someone to tell me that my help could do more harm than good. This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn because it challenged everything I thought I knew about helping people.

I believed that stepping in and offering solutions was the right thing to do, but sometimes it made things worse.

People need to go through their struggles and figure things out for themselves to grow stronger. By constantly trying to protect them from discomfort, I was preventing them from learning the important lessons that come from failure and hardship.

It was here that I realized that helping doesn't always mean solving. Sometimes it just means being there, listening, and allowing the other person to find their way, even if it means watching them struggle.

4. Letting Go Creates Stronger Connections

One of the most surprising things I discovered was that letting go of the need to fix others can strengthen your relationships.

Sounds crazy and counterintuitive, right?

But for me, when I stopped trying to control everything, my connections with people became more genuine and fulfilling.

By stepping back and giving others the space to work through their issues, I showed them that I trusted their ability to figure things out. And that trust built deeper respect and understanding between us.

I also realized that it's okay to say no. Setting boundaries isn't selfish-it's essential. When I began to prioritize my well-being, I became a better, more present friend and partner.

I wasn't constantly bogged down by other people's problems, and I had the energy to show up in more meaningful ways.

5. You Can't Always Do It Alone

Lifeguards know that some situations require more than one person.

If the water is too rough or the person is too panicked, they'll call for backup to keep themselves out of harm's way.

In life, you can't always handle everything on your own, and it's okay to call in other people for help - or to encourage the person to seek professional help.

Knowing your limits is critical to avoiding burnout.

6. Self-care is also supportive

The most important thing I've learned from all of this is that you can't truly help others if you don't take care of yourself first.

Self-care is not a luxury; it's necessary if you want to support the people you care about from a place of strength.

To use the example of lifeguards, they are trained to protect themselves first when rescuing someone. If they dive in recklessly, both they and the drowning person could end up in trouble.

In life, this refers to overextending yourself emotionally. If you don't prioritize your own well-being, you won't be able to help anyone effectively. Taking care of yourself ensures that you can truly support others.

It's the classic "put your oxygen mask on first" rule. You can't pour from an empty cup.

When you're well-rested, mentally clear, and emotionally balanced, you can give better advice, be a more compassionate listener, and help in a way that doesn't leave you feeling drained.

In Conclusion

So how do you move from overhelping to healthy support?

It starts with recognizing when you're in "fixer mode" and pausing.

Ask yourself: "Is this my problem to solve?"

More often than not, the answer is no. And that's okay. Let the other person work through their challenges while you focus on being a supportive presence.

Does this mean we should help people? No.

We should help people but we should know when people need help.

Just like the lifeguard knows when someone needs help, we should also be perceptive enough to know when people need help.

True support isn't about solving everything for them; it's about knowing when they need that support even when they are quiet about it and empowering them to solve things for themselves.

Don't give them the fish, teach them how to fish, even when they didn’t ask for it but you know they need it.

And that's the kind of support that makes a difference.

Remember, they've got this.

Until next time.

Salud.

In Case You Missed It:

Last week, I wrote about Why Teaching What You Read Is Smarter Than Just Reading More, showing why Reading more doesn’t always lead to greater knowledge and how to Retain more of what you read by teaching others and the other perks of sharing knowledge.

Updates on things I am watching/reading/doing:

• I recommend watching Mark Manson's video where he discusses with Ali Abdaal how to enjoy doing hard things. It's a great starting point for anyone looking to find enjoyment in challenging tasks.
• I am reading The Power of Character in Leadership by Dr. Myles Munroe. Here are my top 2 lessons so far:
• I just finished Terminator Zero and once again, I am reminded that AI could go sideways. But the series also reminds us of the potential for AI to change even if it goes sideways. Do watch it and give me your reviews.

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