the biggest lie we've been told

Just last week, a client remarked “Rae, you’re so sharp! You’re able to ask me the right questions and surface my unconscious thoughts.”

and yet — just this morning I find myself spiralling in an existential crisis in the middle of my workout class, a crashing of uncomfortable emotions and difficult thoughts came down all at once.

Last month, I delivered a speech for an organisation and had multiple audience members come to me after, sharing how deeply they resonated with me.

and yet — I laid in bed at night thinking about all the things I could’ve done better, pinpointing my every mistake.

A common remark I receive is: “Rae, how did you manage to start your business and share with so much depth at your age? How did you figure it all out?”

and yet — I’m still figuring it all out. Every week I have at least 10 micro-emotional-breakdowns turned into some tough conversations with myself, surfacing truths I can choose to face, and emotions that uncomfortably deep into the back of my throat.

I haven’t figured it all out. Not at all. There are so many things I struggle to “figure out”. So many parts of myself I struggle to accept. So many curves on my body I find hard to love.

The biggest lie we’ve been told is that we have to “figure it out” before we can be of value.

All my life I’ve learnt that success will come when I “figure things out”. I was desperate to be more self-aware and define my identity so that I can have a successful career. Even till this day, I beat myself up for taking “too much time” writing this email, creating content, and doing my own self-coaching. I get annoyed at myself for exceeding the allocated time in my Google calendar.

And the crazy thing is — I absolutely LOVE writing these emails to all of you. I LOVE creating content, each and every one of them I consider a piece of art, born out of my process of experiencing life fully as a human being and verbalising my internal reflections. I LOVE coaching, speaking, having conversations with new people, in fact I find myself lost in the moment, where time and space no longer exist.

And yet — that critical voice comes in telling me I should be more efficient. I move on from task to task, not taking the time to simply be, to admire my work of art, or to revel in how good this process of creation feels in my body.

All my life I’ve been told that “Success takes hard work” and hard work should not be fun.

Just today I met an amazing Asian girlboss who’s in the process of starting her own business here in Bali. A few years ago, she decided to quit her job that was draining every ounce of her energy, and decided to move to the beachfront area of her country. She started a few small businesses for fun, and surprised herself with the clients who were willing to pay. She caught herself feeling guilty, that people were willing to pay her to do work she loves. She thought “How can I be paid? I’m just having fun.” It struck me that this isn’t a unique experience — we have been subconsciously taught that we can’t enjoy our work for us to be paid well. (Well, this is from my observation, if any of yall have a different experience, I’ll love to hear, simply click “reply”!)

What I’ve learnt from all of this is that every experience here in life is an opportunity for us to learn, grow and evolve.

Nothing happens by chance. Each of us have unique challenges, to grow us to become even more of ourselves, so we can learn how to honour our gifts and contribute by simply being our authentic self and doing the work we love.

That family member you’ve been struggling to meet eye to eye? That could be an opportunity for you to learn how to see their perspective, or to grow in your skill of navigating tough conversations.

That nagging self-comparison and envy you feel when you are in the presence of that mentor, colleague or peer? That could be an opportunity for you to explore the uncomfortable emotions and difficult conversations you may have with yourself, and when you do, could reveal a way of seeing you’ve never seen.

That subtle nudge you’ve been feeling to leave your current environment, work, or question your current business plan? That could be an opportunity for you to unlock gifts within you that your current environment doesn’t require you to use.

Those people who seem to have figured it all out? They may not have. We tend to compare our inner most fears and doubts with the version they present in public. Every one of us have our own unique journey, and with it, the struggles and opportunities that come with it.

Most importantly, trust that in the current point of your journey, as the version of you that you are right now, you are already of value — contributing simply with your being. Your thoughts and beliefs contribute to the current state of your unique voice, which speaks to the people that are meant to receive your message and be in your presence.

And here’s the thing — “figuring it out” is a lifelong process. The moment we believe we’ve figured it all out is the moment our life ends.

About this newsletter:

I want to have conversations about the topics that are uncomfortable yet liberating to discuss. I want to hear your perspectives and stories. If anything I've written sparked a flame within you, I'd love to hear it. It doesn't have to be a professional opinion or a finished story, it can simply be a thought or a feeling.

I release a newsletter every Friday, 6pm SGT (or sometimes a day after... when inspiration hits). If you prefer to receive them via email, sign up in the link in comments. I send other bonus resources via email that I don't do so here.

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