The Biggest Lie of Social Media

Last week I posted about Social signs that you need to check in with your friends. This was on the back of noticing that a good friend had disappeared from social media, which meant I checked in to see if she was OK (she wasn't).

This prompted me to consider the social media behaviours I'd observed over the years that revealed that people were unintentionally reaching out in social media because something had changed in their life.

I had a great response - thank you - as people recognised the behaviours and this insightful addition to my three colourful characters, The Over-Oversharer, The Under-Oversharer, and The Disappearer.

Geoff Neal very rightly observed a fourth: The Appearer. I absolutely concur with this and have seen it as recently as two weeks ago as a kind of pseudo-announcement of a marriage separation. Here's Geoff's description...

4. The Appearer (by Geoff Neal)

These people reveal themselves in a spike in social media when they've barely used it before. It is easy to spot marriage or relationship break up this way (especially from "rugged", low-profile, Kiwi males).

This person has barely posted anything before but suddenly a) goes on a friends-from-the-past recruitment drive; b) re-shares old, fond memories that happened in the past with friends; c) posts photos of just them having a great time in exciting locations; d) posts photos of just them with their kids; and e) post really weird things and comments.

Their MIA partner is the most obvious clue but this is often not obvious to the person posting (just everyone else). People who are living The Appearer life on social media overthink everything and lack judgement. In fact, more often than not they are waaaaaaay off the mark of what is appropriate, on what they think their peers will find relevant.

Geoff adds that:

"On several occasions I've reached out to these people and they've gone 'How did you know?!' It helps that I've got the 'Dear Facebook, I'm not really OK' t-shirt myself, but it is obvious when you look. Most of us will have friends doing this right now..."

So thanks, Geoff. Great insight, and this person definitely needs a friend to check in on them, not least so you can stop the bonkers and slightly unhinged content from interrupting your feed.

The biggest lie of social media

This leads nicely into this week's topic: The biggest lie of social media, which is (drumroll.....):

Social media is not about YOU it is only - ONLY - about the person who is posting.

Yep, social media is marketing, and marketing is human psychology. So just as it is in real life, every social media expression is a reflection of the person posting and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

But there are positive (and not so positive) reasons for these behaviours, and in my opinion, expression through social media is a very positive cognitive-behavioural process. I believe the desire to connect is huge, and feeds into the intrinsic primal need for our need to belong (which neuroscientists attribute to the amygdala).

To simplify, I believe we all fit into one of two camps: The Cup Half Full brigade or The Cup Half Empty brigade. Each of us is either an optimist or a pessimist (I am not sure is this is innate or through social conditioning?).

Same cup, different viewpoint.

And the most obvious example to showcase how people use social media as a cathartic tool and reveal one or other of these personalities - is when life is a bit shit.

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1. The Cup Half Full Person (that’s me!!)

I am a natural optimist so identify with this personality. When I face challenges, my default behaviour is to express myself in social media as being happy, and what underpins why I do this relates to the philosophy of happy (and successful) people.

So here’s my approach on how I use social media and how it plays out when times are tough… and just so you know, all of this is all about me!

1. I act happy to become happy - This is NOT me putting on a mask. This is my way of working through the psychology of if I smile and laugh and "perform" happy, eventually I'll be happy. It’s a “fake it ‘til I make it” approach, and guess what? It works!

2. I use humour - When I feel sad, vulnerable or challenged, I post memes, funny videos and LOL quotes. Sometimes I over-post because I am working hard to get happier again (in all aspects of my life, not only social media). It’s just me spending time to focus on good stuff so there is less time to dwell on the bad.

3. I laugh for health - Happiness becomes a perpetuating cycle leading to greater happiness. So if I start with trying to fool my brain that I am happy by posting a funny video, having a giggle to myself as I do so, and another giggle reading the hilarious comments from my friends, it actually makes me healthier. Research shows happiness reduces stress, lowers cortisol levels and blood pressure, raises dopamine and serotonin, and generally makes you feel better. It's like if you stand, sit and walk taller you physically feel better.

4. I like to connect with my tribe - When challenges feel insurmountable it’s easy to feel isolated. Posting in social media is the most concrete way of me seeing that I am not alone. When I post and people respond, I feel good. It’s as simple as that. Social media means we don’t have to be with our tribe to have a tribe 24/7. Creating meaningful connections is part of who I am and social media is another way I choose to connect. And that’s why no matter what life throws at me, staying plugged into my community matters to me and makes me feel good.

5. I do what is authentic to me - I don't know how be "sad" in public. I can't do the "poor me", it's not natural for me and I am not comfortable being that way. So having a rant or a woe-is-me moment in social media is just not going to happen for me. No matter how low I get. And yes, I have had very low points.

6. I practice gratitude - Sure those #blessed moments are a little overdone in social media, but I firmly believe no matter what life throws my way, I am always 100% #blessed and grateful. So even when I feel more challenged in life, I am always, always grateful for what I have in life. So when I post a #blessed moment, it’s just another way I practice being gratitude. PS I’ll never actually use that hashtag!

7. I live “in the moment” - Truth is, even when life is really shit, there are magic moments within that. Something as simple as having a wine (and a whine) with a friend can have you on a sunny deck watching the sunset. And if that’s an Instagrammable moment, then I am gonna take the pic and share the pic! I think in times of great pain, we notice so much more, the bad and the good. So when I am feeling the good,

8. I like being validated - I want to show up, I want to be seen. So if I can get some instant gratification from my tribe, I’ll do it. It’s not because I want them to think something about me when I post, it’s just as simple that they know I am there. It’s like a “Hey guys, I’m here” and they respond with a like, my dopamine pings and everything is right in the world in that moment. But it’s not about them! Yep, just me.

9. I’m vulnerable but don’t dwell - I believe there’s real strength in showing vulnerability online. I think it’s a powerful habit to share the fails and lessons. But not to stay in that place. We are human after all, and so what, we failed? Moving on…

10. I give oxygen to only goodness - Happy people are known for being optimistic, as are entrepreneurs. It’s the deeply internal capacity we have for knowing everything works out in the end no matter how hard the path. We’re futurists, we see a future of good, of all that goodness left do drink in our half full glass!

2. The Cup Half Empty Person

And then there’s this person…

The person for whom no matter what life throws their way, it’s never enough. If it’s sunny, it’ll probably rain tomorrow. If there’s an international performer coming to town, they’ll probably miss out on tickets. If they love a new shirt it’ll probably look bad on them.

1. What good stuff? - No matter that they have a job that pays well, a roof over their head, great prospects, and happy, healthy kids, it’s still not enough. And it’ll never be enough. Instead of thinking they have half a cup of goodness to enjoy, something in their head screams: “BUT IT’S HALF GONE!!!!” There’s plenty of good stuff, but posting about that is just not “them”.

2. They stink - Drama follows this person around like a stink, and it’s a stink that follows them into social media and it’s a stink you can’t get away from. They whinge, rant, moan and never let up. It’s their way of expressing who they are. Sure, sometimes they want a reaction, but only one that endorses their point of view.

3. Seeking validation - I can’t criticise this because we all seek validation. A lot of what we do in life is for validation and acknowledgement. It’s an innate need we all have to be heard. It’s not about what we say, just that we have a platform to say it. It’s like Speakers’ Corner in Hyde Park in London. People jump at the chance to stand and rant… they don’t care if anyone is listening because the rant is the purpose for them being there. Sound familiar?

4. Like attracts like - My friend and colleague, Rochelle Sheldon wrote about Karpman's Drama Triangle: here and it very much describes the toxic circle of people who love to play out and perpetuate (unnecessary) drama - and rant, whinge and moan - on social media and the people they attract into their tribe. Because yes, just as I attract my positive tribe, they’ll attract just the kind of people who need other people’s drama to validate their own.

How the drama triangle occurs in social media: Drama Player #1 (victim) shares a moment of persecution by someone or something, known as Drama Player #2 (persecutor), then Drama Player #3 leaps in with the “poor you”, “oh, that’s so unfair”, “is there anything I can do?” and perfectly plays out the rescuer role. And this is all totally unhealthy and ALL about each player in the Drama Triangle, not about the audience watching it play out like. This drama collective needs to switch into The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) Triangle (but probably won’t!).

As ever, whatever they post is only about them.

5. And - OK, there are more, but honestly, I can’t find enjoyment writing about this person. You get the jist!

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Like attracts like and in social media no matter whether you’re positive or negative, you’ll collect people like you (just as you do in real life).

BUT the biggest lie of social media is that our posts are about or for our tribe. They are not. They’re merely, and only, another expression of who we are and of who we want to be. The thumbs up is just a bonus, not WHY we post in the first place.

We don’t post either our super cute selfies or rants for others; we do it for ourselves whether as a healthy or unhealthy cathartic activity.

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I believe you only get out of life what you put into it. Being happy is something we choose for ourselves everyday. I strive to be a better person today than I was yesterday. Posting in social media is part of my story. I use it as a tool that can enhance my own happiness, which is ALL ABOUT ME (But great to have you along for the ride!!!).

Wendy Thompson, CEO & Founder, Socialites