The biggest fight of my life
I thought it was just burnout, but I was actually fighting for my life.
It’s taken 25 years, but I now know what was holding me back from being all I could be. As I now come out the other side of this incredibly tough journey and refocus on my career, it's time to share my story. Some of you may recognise the story and be able to help others, some of you may appreciate the honesty and be able to help me rebuild my life and career. If nothing else I just want to help bring about more awareness of this cruel hormonal disorder.
It was a common female disorder, that almost nobody knows about. It affects ~5% of women, but only a few thousand New Zealand women know that they have it. One of your friends, co-workers, sisters, aunties or daughters is probably living through this hell right now, and they don't know what's wrong with them.
It’s called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short.
But most of our NZ medical professionals from GP’s to psychiatrists, psychologists, endocrinologists and gynaecologists have never heard of it, let alone know how to diagnose or treat it.
It’s well known that New Zealand’s mental health system is severely underfunded, but until I really needed it, I didn’t understand how badly broken it was.
This is my story
The symptoms and cycles were always there, but I’d always put it down to high levels of school or workplace stress taking a toll every few months or years, I didn’t see the nuances of the cycle and how it tightly aligned to my menstruation cycle.
For 15 to 20 days of the month I felt amazing, performing well at school, university, in the workplace, building a great life, but every month around a week before my period started the anxiety, imposter syndrome and deep depression would creep in. The a few days into my period, it would magically disappear, and I’d spend the next week cleaning up the mess I’d made in my life in the last 10 days.
Some months the symptoms would just be wanting to hide in my bedroom, pulling away from friends, cancelling events, or crying in the bathroom. But other months it would be gut wrenching depression, suicidal ideation, destructive behaviours towards my husband, mother and home. After moving up to Auckland from Christchurch post earthquakes, the frequency and severity increased and when Peri-menopause started to kick in for me about 5 years ago it went up another notch. Add in Covid lockdowns, a toxic work culture and a heap of stress and the symptoms worsened to include losing words and becoming extremely forgetful, panic attacks, personality changes, heart palpitations, loss of appetite, heavy drinking and self harm.
At this time, I was 18 months into the hardest job of my career, building a marketing automation consulting practice from scratch, at one of New Zealand‘s largest technology companies. I was doing well and created an enormous pipeline. I converted over $1M worth of consulting and technical sales, I built a team of 12, my bosses told me I’d done what no Director had ever managed to do before, despite several trying.
But it was also during Covid and that long back breaking stretch of Covid restrictions from August to December ‘21, that saw me working from home for five months. That’s when my perfectionism and drive really kicked in and 10hr days of back-to-back meetings became the norm, as they did with many of us. I started putting down the blank mind, panic attacks, lack of eating and most other symptoms down to burnout, as that’s what the media and that business community was telling us was happening.
I began taking a few days sick leave, which turned into a week of sick leave and then another two weeks of sick leave, and after my boss started talking about demoting me I took a month of sick leave to get on top of this. I was searching for answers, begging for help from medical professionals, but they just prescribed endless antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, making me a walking zombie. Psychology appointments were available in 8 to 10 WEEKS, and some days I wasn’t sure I’d even be alive then. I had no diagnosis, and no return-to-work plan, which HR was demanding, after cutting off all communication with my managers and team. During this time I also discovered they had been planning to demote me for months, as soon as I had mentioned the anxiety attacks and self harm. The supposed caring culture that valued women and mental health was just for show.
So, I took the decision to resign from the job I loved, with the team I loved building and was looking forward to guiding and growing, despite the toxic culture. I decided I had to put my health first and find out what was wrong, I only had energy to fight for my health or fight for my job. I chose my health.
The past 18 odd months have been a slow grind, from when I found an article about PMDD, joined a Facebook group, and took it to my urgent mental health team. They’d never heard of it, but my nurse read up on it over the next 48 hrs and presented my case to the psychiatrist, who agreed with the possible diagnosis. Then it was off to educate my new female GP, who I asked to refer me to a particular endocrinologist I had heard about. She guided me through a staged protocol of diagnosis and treatment over the past 12 months which has included hormone replacement therapy (HRT), chemical menopause and finally a few weeks ago, a total hysterectomy inc ovaries. I have done this along side counselling from a specialist psychologist, who’s usual patients were suffering post-natal depression.
Once diagnosed it wasn't smooth sailing though, there were some health professionals I only saw once before finding another one, like the Psychiatrist who thought I was "An interesting oddity" and prescribed a common PMS pain treatment. Or the Gynaecologist who refused to remove my ovaries, (the final line of recommended treatment) because they had outdated ideas on the effects of HRT on women in their 40's.
The symptoms continued alongside my cycle through all my treatments with varying severity, easing as my chemical menopause kicked in and estrogen levels were stabilised. A final round of progesterone proved I was also progesterone intolerant and the surgery became my only option, luckily sped up by my health insurance.
Through this process I have felt scared, confused and a lot of shame. Ashamed that I let a hormonal disorder hold me back. Ashamed that I didn't connect the dots, and ashamed that I let my last workplace make me feel like I had no choice but to leave.
But now, I'm starting to feel like a new person, my passionate, excited, inquisitive, and driven personality is back full time. The anger, anxiety and depression have gone and more than anything I want to help drive awareness of this awful disorder that has robbed me of so many years of enjoyment and success in my life.
So what's next for me? I'm throwing myself back into my career and work with the NZ Marketing Association, and looking for a full time role to build and grow an amazing data driven marketing team again.
领英推荐
Maybe your team is right for someone with grit and determination and an amazing amount of resilience and empathy? If so then reach out on LinkedIn or email me [email protected].
Otherwise just comment and share this article, so one less woman can feel alone in this journey.
What is PMDD?
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a cyclical, hormone-based mood disorder with symptoms arising during the premenstrual, or luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and subsiding within a few days of menstruation. It affects an estimated 5.5% of women and AFAB individuals of reproductive age. While PMDD is directly connected to the menstrual cycle, it is not a hormone imbalance. PMDD is a severe negative reaction in the brain to the natural rise and fall of estrogen and progesterone.
Those with PMDD are at increased risk for suicide and suicidal behaviour. Many people with PMDD, though not all, have a history of sexual trauma or depression. There is no blood or saliva test to diagnose PMDD although these tests can rule out other underlying disorders. The only way to diagnose PMDD is by tracking symptoms daily for at least two menstrual cycles.
AFAB = assigned female at birth
Source: https://iapmd.org/about-pmdd
Symptoms of PMDD
A diagnosis of PMDD requires the presence of at least five of these symptoms, one of which must be a "core emotional symptom" (one of the first four symptoms listed in bold).
Source: https://iapmd.org/about-pmdd
If you recognise any of this in the women in your life, please share so they can get help.
Some good resources and articles
International Association for Premenstrual Disorders https://iapmd.org/
?
Managing Director @ Adapt IQ | Unlocking Your Organisation's Full Potential With Salesforce | Case Studies Below ??
4 个月You are inspiring Gabby McLean
Helping founders to transform world’s #1 fear into a fuel for massive growth and success | Public Speaking Coach | Founder @ The Speaking Hub
6 个月Thank you for sharing your story with us Gabby McLean . I have never heard of this disorder before and I’m glad that now I know about it. I’m so happy that you put yourself as a priority and figured out what was going on. I came to realize that most of the time doctors have no idea what is going on with us. I’ve been through so many incorrect diagnosis. Our bodies, though similar, are very unique. It’s time for the medical system revolution, where doctors don’t use blueprints and cookie cutters to make diagnosis.
Quantitative, Media and CX specialist
1 年Thank you for sharing this Gabby
Managing Director, Retail Expert, Independent Director, CMInstD, Retail Trend and Media Commentator, Keynote Speaker
1 年Thank you for sharing your story Gabby McLean. It must be some comfort to put a name to what you experienced for so long but still something which I will imagine continues to be a lifetime journey of adaptation. I know from expeirence not knowing what you are going through can make you go mad - and you still keep your game face while facing turmoil in you head, life and body. Thank you again for sharing your journey and determination and by sharing this I am certain you give strength and comfort to others fighting their own challenges with ‘no name and no idea’ that it’s simply part of an undiagnosed health issue. ??
Marketing, Innovation, Pharmaceuticals, Consumer, OTC, FMCG
1 年Thanks for sharing this. I suffered from this for far too long. I knew about this disorder through my job but I never associated it with myself. I now give myself permission to grieve the time wasted and anxiety this caused me.