The Biggest Decision You Need To Make

What happens to us in life is not as important as who and what we become because of what happens to us.

Go back and read that sentence again.

You’ve experienced adversity, faced obstacles, or had to overcome challenges in life. We all have. I don’t have to know you personally to know you have been through something traumatic. And, I know this: Life is hard. We don’t all experience the same adversity, but pain is not a “respecter of persons.” We are all going to, or have already, experienced pain.

But, what we do with our pain is our decision.

We can take what life gives us and be bitter about it or be better because of it.

I was sexually abused by my father. From the time I was 12, until I left home at 19. He sexually abused me, emotionally blackmailed me, psychologically manipulated me, forced me to play the role of his “wife,” beat me, raped me, and trafficked me to men that he would meet on the internet.

I share my story in some of my books (Ria’s Story: From Ashes to Beauty, Beyond Bound and Broken: A Journey of Healing and Resilience, Bridges Out of the Past: A Survivor’s Lessons on Resilience) along with a lot of lessons on healing, so I won’t repeat it all here. My focus in this article is to help you avoid having a victim mindset for the rest of your life.

What you went through doesn’t determine you. As you can see, what I went through didn’t determine me.

I’m NOT downplaying the effects of trauma, adversity, childhood abuse, domestic violence, or any other painful experience. It’s incredibly hurtful to experience those things, and the younger we are when it happens, the more difficult it is to overcome. I think trauma inflicted by other people is especially difficult to overcome. When the people we love are the ones who hurt us, those we should be able to count on to protect us and have our best interest at heart, it shatters our sense of self, our sense of justice, and our belief that the world is a “good” place.

I’m sorry you went through what you went through. I wish I could hug you right now. I hope you feel my hurt for your pain. There is no doubt pain, trauma, and adversity influence us. I am a different woman than I would have been if I had not experienced extreme sexual abuse by my father and others as a teenager. But, when it’s time to move on, it’s also time to let go.

The pain is there. It will always be there. What you have been through is part of your story and part of what made you the woman you are today. You are stronger because of what you experienced.

You aren’t a victim; you are a survivor.

Accept that what happened did happen. Then, choose to move beyond it and do what must be done to heal. Healing is incredibly hard work. It may take a few years, or it may be a continuous process.

Go to therapy. Learn to paint beautiful art. Run a marathon. Talk to your best friend. Write a letter to yourself. Or, read books on healing from trauma if that’s what you need to do. The methods available to help us heal are as varied as we are. Much of healing is mindset. You must learn to move beyond having a “victim” mindset and stop identifying yourself as a victim.

Let me share a moment of truth for you: You cannot keep living with a victim mindset and reach your potential in life.

What mindset have you created because of what happened to you? What choices are you making because of what happened to you? As human beings, as women, our greatest freedom is our ability to determine how we respond to what happened or will happen to us.

You choose your response to what happened. I realize it’s not easy. But, it can be done. I wake up every single day and choose to use what happened to me in a positive way to help other people. This book is an example. I choose to bepositive about something incredibly hurtful, traumatic, and painful. You can too.

If your past is still holding you back in a negative way, it’s not serving you. Mindset matters.

Whoever did the thing(s) to you, or said the thing(s) to you, or caused the thing(s) that happened to you doesn’t get a say in your life (and therefore, your family) and your future any longer. You get to decide, right now, to claim your life, your future, and your potential, and let the other stuff fall away. It’ll still be there, but you don’t have to drag it behind you for the rest of your life.

You’re better than that. You’re bigger than that. You’re bolder than that. You don’t have to make bad choices that hold you back from your goals, your dreams, and your life because of what happened to you, or what someone said to you, or what you went through.

What happens to us doesn’t matter as much as what we decide to do about what happens to us. No one else has as much influence in your life as you do. Nothing influences your life more than you do.

The other side of that coin is that you must stop blaming your problems on other people and other things.

Move beyond being a victim.

Find more resources for resilience and personal growth:

Books: https://riastory.com/download/

Videos & Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@theriastory