Bigger Ears, Smaller Mouth

Listening has become a lost art. Really, our ears need to be bigger than our mouth.

That’s too bad, too, because knowing how to listen effectively can bring you a lot of benefits. It can strengthen both personal and professional relationships. It can help your marriage, your relations with your parents, children and with those in your workplace.?And, listening can eliminate the sparks that can turn a conflict into a raging three alarm fire.

Yes, we all are aware of needing the proper, “effective communication skills.”?However, I argue most of us are more in tuned with learning “how” we say things properly than we are learning to “actively” or “empathetic” listen.?Why is that? Assessing my own self-awareness serving in some type of leadership capacity for 40 years, early on as well as being a parent, I concluded having authority over someone else gave me the right to tell someone what to do.?I had the, “do as I do or else” mentality.

Wham!?Conflict after conflict. ?With this mentality I was putting out fires that I was too closed minded to realize it was me who “sparked” them in the first place.?I spent years walking around with a fire hose ready to douse the next fire, (conflict,) when the alarm sounded.

I knew changes had to be made and, those changes needed to begin with me.?I began reading and studying some self-help books such as QBQ The Question Behind the Question where accountability started with me.?Others also like, How to Win Friends and Influence People, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Everyone Communicates Few Connect, (all timeless classics by the way.)?These are just a few I’ve learned from and implemented in my own needed growth as an effective communicator.?Below are some common listening techniques I’ve found in each of the readings that helped me learn how to get rid of my fire hose as well as avoid creating the sparks that turned in a raging conflict fire.

Consider using these listening techniques the next time someone wants to talk with you:

?1. Give them your undivided attention. Your other activities during a conversation show the other person how important they are to you. When you pay attention only to them, not only does it uplift them, but you’re also more likely to fully understand whatever they’re saying and prevent miscommunications.

●????Stop whatever else you’re doing,

●????Put away your phone. This is a major problem in our society today.?Experiencing this firsthand, when someone looked at their phone while I was trying to communicate with them, the message was loud and clear, “I don’t care what you have to say, you’re not important to me!”?Pull out the hose, a major conflict was just sparked.

●????Turn off other distractions, such as the TV.

●????Stay in the present moment, which is listening to what they’re saying. Avoid the temptation to let your mind wander to other things (like what you’ll eat for supper) or move forward to formulate what you’ll say next. (This takes practice.)

2. Make eye contact. Failure to keep eye contact can make it seem as though you aren’t paying any attention to the conversation. One trick to help you maintain eye contact is to focus on just one of the person’s eyes at a time.

●????You can look away momentarily from time to time, so it won’t appear as though you’re staring at them. Once you look away, though, bring your focus back to them quickly so that you won’t get distracted by something else. Also, this cues them that you’re still listening.

?3. When they stop talking, first summarize what you just heard them say. This will help you clarify their meaning. Let them agree with your summary or make changes if they need to. It will then be possible for you to add your own perspective, thoughts, or any questions you may have.

?4. Ask questions. Instead of trying to read someone’s mind, if you don’t understand what is being said, simply ask for clarification. This will ensure that no assumptions are made, and misunderstandings are avoided.

●????Asking appropriate questions also lets them know that you were listening intently and trying to understand their perspective.

?5. Avoid interrupting. As tempting it is to jump in with comments or solutions, keep quiet until they stop speaking and it’s your turn.

●????Sometimes people are just looking to vent and get their issues off their chest. Let them finish. They’ll appreciate you and it may help them relieve their stress about the issue. By saying nothing, you can help them feel better!

Remember, others won’t always be able to recall everything you say in a conversation, but they’ll likely remember how you made them feel. You can uplift those around you, avoid misunderstandings, and strengthen your relationships by practicing these easy listening techniques in every conversation your involved in.

Your partner, family, friends, boss, and clients will be impressed. Reap the benefits of knowing the lost art of listening! The fastest way to earn trust from anyone is to listen actively and respect the communicator regardless if you agree or disagree at the time your being communicated to.?You can disagree and still conduct a civil conversation while preventing a conflict erupting.??