Big up yourself

What if I were to ask you to list five of your strengths?

Would you be poised, tongue out the corner of your mouth, fingers itching to tap it out? Would you shift uncomfortably in your seat, an uneasy feeling rising? Maybe your heart drop for a moment, not sure what you'd say.

Now think of someone you know and like. A friend, a colleague, a client. Can you think of five strengths for them? How would you feel sharing those??

My guess is you'd find it significantly easier saying positive things about them.?True?

So why are we reticent to shout about our strengths??

For a start, we might not know what they are.

Here’s why you might overlook something as a strength:

1. It’s second nature and it’s fun, so it doesn’t feel like strength at all. Perhaps you’re an excellent, effortless, communicator.
2. Conversely, you've put so much effort in to get it where it is, you’re not convinced it’s a strength. It's taken years of practice to get you presenting with such ease, whereas it's easy for others. (Is it?)
3. You’ve been told you’re not good at something that you thought was a strength. You’re a great writer but had a boss with a different style who re-wrote everything until they might as well have written the damn thing themselves.
4. You’ve been told it’s a weakness. Perhaps your directness is a strength but you’ve been criticised for being too outspoken. (Said many women ??)
5. You don’t think society values your strengths. You’re quiet, analytical, pensive and see things differently. You’ve always thought you need to be loud, strategic, dynamic.?
6. They were once weaknesses. Our strengths might once have been weaknesses that we’ve turned around.
7. Sometimes we fail. Strengths might not be strengths ALL THE TIME. We have bad days. Weeks. Even months. We are human.
8. Someone you know or know of is better at it than you. You are an excellent leader but your peer has the love of every member of their team and you don't.?
9. It’s both a strength and a weakness. Things that you’re exceptional at can often fall into both camps.
10. It’s not necessarily relevant in the context you’re in right now. You’re excellent at motivating an operational team to deliver excellence, but your new role requires you to be visionary.

Are women weaker? (Spoiler: No)

I’ve directly managed, mentored and coached over a hundred people. And, in my experience, women are much worse at identifying their strengths than men.?(Especially neurotypical, successful, able-bodied men.)

In fact, we’re far more likely to tell someone what we’re not good at than what we are.?

So why are we so reticent to confidently state what we’re good at? Well for a start it means we're: Big-headed. Up-ourselves. Conceited. Over-confident. Too much. Vain. Egotistical. Arrogant.

Doesn't it?

Does it fuck.

So when did this programming start?

Ages ago.

When I’m about to admit to a strength, I hear my teenage voice in my head telling me to watch out or I’ll come across as up-myself, and I'll caveat it with something ridiculous like:

“I don’t want to come across as conceited, but…”

I’m now practised in shutting teenage me up with a dose of oxygen and realism. It’s impossible to do my job well without carrying the belief that sharing strengths is a show of confidence not arrogance.

But, once I’ve quietened mini-me down and I’m poised to type my strengths, before I’ve got a word out, another little shit in my head wakes up. This one puts on his best condescending smile and says:

• "You might believe it but they won’t."
• "If you’re so good then why are we sitting here debating it, idiot?"
• "Remember that time in 2013?"
• "Go on then, embarrass yourself."

Alright, there’s not actually a little man living in my head, but it’s not far off. Whatever you want to call it: inferiority complex, imposter syndrome, low self esteem, it is real for many people. Especially women. And the way we think about strengths is affecting the way we position and promote ourselves.

It needs to change.

I thought it was just me, you know. For many years I literally thought that everyone else had their shit together and I was just doing an ok job of faking it.?

Do you know JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE think that? I’ve not done proper research on it (yet) but from a place of knowledge let me say, shit loads.

So what’s wrong with a world where some of us don’t talk about our strengths?

This.

• What we focus on grows. By neglecting our strengths we’re potentially feeding our weaknesses.
• Encourages inequality. What if the middleclass, straight, neurotypical, successful, able bodied, white males are the best at shouting their strengths?
• Missed opportunities. If we’re not open about our strengths, people won’t lean on them. If people don’t lean on them, we’re simply not getting the most out of each other.
• Wasted energy. If we don’t know our strengths, we might be wasting precious energy trying to be good at the wrong things. Our good energy is definitely better spent.
• Wasted skills. We’re in a stronger position to help others if we know how we can help them.

By saying that you’re really good at something, with confidence and conviction, does not mean you’re saying that you’re better than others. It means that YOU are good at something. You are not putting others down by lifting yourself up.

Deep breath and... here's mine

1. Presence. Years of mediation and mindfulness practice mean I can be fully in the moment with others.
2. Intelligence. I intuitively understand situations and am comfortable with complexity.?
3. Empathy. I can easily step into someone’s shoes and feel what they feel.?
4. Honesty. I say it how it is, especially when I feel silence adds to injustice.
5. Vision. I can imagine a different and improved future and help others to do the same.

Your turn

Put it in the comments if you fancy it, start your own post with them if you fancy that, add them to your profile, or send them to someone else if you’re not ready to blast it out there (I’ll have em). But I urge you to ignore the voices and share them with someone to start building a new pattern.?

1. Get a pen and paper out and write down all the things that come to mind. Including those you wish you were stronger in.
2. Ask people. Not just people you work with now. Ask friends, your partner, ex-colleagues, your coach. Your strengths are likely to transend the work-life barrier!
3. Chose your five strengths and believe in them. That doubt is normal. Shake it off.
4. Go big up yourself.