Big Shift in Women's Identity in Divorce

This week on THE Amicable Divorce Expert, Judith discusses the way in which a woman's identity changes in divorce, especially in long-term marriages.

In a long-term marriage in which there are children and Mom is a stay-at-home mom, maybe without a job, or later when the children are a little older, a small part-time job, women undergo a major shift in their identities and roles. They are no longer needed for the level of care that small children require, rendering their value and worth in question. When the children graduate from high school and move out, they are empty nesters.

And when a divorce is imminent, their role as wife goes away. Now the question of spousal support is broached, and too often men just want to cut ties and tell their wives to "just get a job". Well, if only it were that easy to get a job that allows them to be financially self-sufficient after not building a professional career for years. There's a lot that goes into getting a job: Confidence, a Resume, Defining Skills & Talents, Applying Skills & Talents, and Having the Education for a good paying job. Men, let your soon-to-be former wives have time to turn their lives around.

Spousal support / alimony is that piece of the divorce that will allow them to do that. I realize that men typically want to cut the cord on obligations to their spouses once a divorce is being filed. But a husband's obligations don't end with an end to the marriage if the original deal was to have the wife give up her career to raise the children and manage the household.

The worst position a man can take is to diminish the role of wife and mother in the negotiations for settlement in order to avoid spousal support. Diminishing her role as wife and mother diminishes the husband as a grateful father and husband.

Conversely, if having two full-time incomes was important throughout the marriage, and a source of disagreement between husband and wife, that's a different negotiation. If wife and Mom should have gotten full-time employment during the marriage because it was needed, and wife did not, a specific number of years for spousal support can be discussed.

?BOTTOM LINE...So much within us changes in divorce. Our personal world changes. Our financial world changes. And our identity changes. The more understanding both spouses can be about the change that each spouse is undergoing, the better the outcome will be for both spouses and their negotiated settlement.