Big 'NO'

Innovation is not about saying YES to everything. It is about saying NO to all but the most crucial feature

                                                                                                                                                   Steve Jobs

Acknowledgement

I am truly inspired by the book ‘NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE’ & ‘YOU CAN NEGOTIATE ANYTHING’ to shape my thought to deliver it on a paper.

‘Embrace NO’

Subconsciously we do negotiate throughout our life with our family, friends, stakeholders and colleagues in profession. Did you ever introspect that how many times we would like to embrace NO in the discussion process? Truth to be told, I don’t welcome NO most of the times; however recent past I tried to change my mindset gathering experiences from many situations and books.

Just thought to share it in a very structured way, which may help people to nurture a good mental health just by welcoming NO happily.  

In any dialog, our role keep changes spontaneously from listener to speaker and vice-versa. We are not going to discuss a lot about active listening even though that is the foundation, rather we will understand some techniques very specific to handle NO.

Psychology says we really do not scare to adversary or the person who is opponent; we are concerned about the conflict itself and the mediocre intellect give up very quickly where there is a conflict or NO from other side. We often surrender to malicious obedience in our profession and family to avoid conflict; especially most of us are in Yes BOSS category. We do no good for that person showing that great gesture of obedience. We must learn how to say NO and the other side must learn how to accept NO.

Definitely, there are lots of Ego, sentiments and emotions are associated with conflict or NO. But we must learn some techniques and unlearn certain attitudes to deal with it.

If we think irrationally, NO is not acceptable to us. Let’s be very rational for a minute just by understanding what is NO? In my view, it is just the resultant of the chain reactions of many thoughts and notions. It could be…

·      I am not yet ready to agree

·      You are making me feel uncomfortable

·      I do not understand

·      I don’t think I can afford it

·      I want something else

·      I need more information

·      I want to talk it over to with someone else

We will take the analogy of listener and speaker for any specific situation. To remind again we all are speakers and listeners; so we will look into the both roles empathetically. As I mentioned earlier that listening is key, we will start from the listener side.

Remember avoiding NO means, compromising and restrict the dialog, hence killing the innovation and creativity. That is the reason I told active listening is highly important even it start with objections and big NO.

Why the listener does not like to hear NO?

Here again I am not talking about the 5 to 10% of active listeners and genius people. We emphasize more on the mediocre intellect.

·      Fearfulness

·      Lack of confidence and self-esteem

·      Not solution oriented

·      Bully character

·      Not empathetic

·      Does not want to invest time and effort

·      Very sure on his decision

·      He has a big picture, may be right also

Trust me; reason could be numerous, but listening and welcoming NO is sacrosanct. There is no option of either or. We must hear NO in whatever ways it may be. If we accept it throwing our emotions apart, then we may end up with a great idea or deal. Rest assured please; if there is no tangible gain, at least you will end up with great satisfaction and logical clarification. It will reduce the chance of regret.

How to listen NO?

I am not going touch upon the spirituality here, but we will discuss on some day-to-day practical techniques.

·      Have patience and just hear it; cross your legs and hold your palm firm

·      Control the excitement just sending conscious command to your amygdala

·      Think from end; ask yourself, is there any chance that your idea could be polished more? If at all your decision would be correct at the end, then also you will gain respect and trust. So at any cost, this is a win-win game.

·      If you are really so excited, just keep silence for 6 seconds

·      Take control; Active listening means taking control over other person. This is a very old psychological tool

Let me just brief the 5 steps strategy for a listener to influence the dialog or discussion

Active Listening – Empathy – Rapport – Influence - Control

Now let’s understand the speaker’s perspective

Why the speaker reluctant to say NO?

·      It is own psychology which prevent us to avoid conflict and compromise with an easy nod, which resulted into malicious obedience.

·      We don’t buy time to think and access the situation; just apply our gut feel

·      Shyness

·      Selfishness; we will see what happens next; just manage time being

·      Compulsion to say Yes

How to say NO?

Again, here we believe that there is no NO; it is just a hypothesis or a reaction. But the good point is, we can overcome all these deficiencies by converting NO into possibilities by learning and practice. It is good for both sides. Few examples

·      Let’s take little time (if the opponent seems practical but not sure)

·      Can we think of some other possibilities? (You can apply it when you think there may be a better way)

·      If the opponent is so aggressive, you can tell that I will come back shortly without counter anything. (It may pacify him and change his state of mind. I am not joking; you may apply to your BOSS)

·      I do agree, but just would like to clarify certain hypothesis. (This works when opponent is a neutral one; may be stakeholders, friends or colleagues in office)

·      If opponent is very friendly or your subordinates, you can seek for a debate to clarify all doubts. Believe me the end result will be highly satisfactory for both. There is a high chance you gain trust and respect

·      When you feel, there is compulsion to say yes; you may politely express the consequences even if it is harder for you. Believe me over a period of time you can create a confidence and trust with your counterpart.

There could be ample of ways, but the crux is that if we effectively learn how to say NO and embrace it, there is a high chance that we are going to play a win-win game rather just playing a wimp-win game.

 That’s Right Conclusion

Request to both listener and speakers to conclude the dialog with that’s right conclusion. To elaborate, you may think I am right and sometimes he is right. In other hand, you may say to your counterpart that you are right. However, the goal here is to conclude that’s right which is only possible by robust dialog. Moreover, the robust dialog starts with either NO or Conflicts. Honestly, I do not see any difference, for me it is only hypothesis to validate.

To summarize, I would like you to validate the below model, which I called NO-YES model