The Big D!

It’s sometimes long (term), it’s sometimes hard (work) and it’s sometimes a bit too much to handle- yes folks, that’s right. We’re talking about Depression. That taboo subject that can make some people a wee bit uncomfortable to talk about. Now maybe the jokey bravado is a way of introducing an awkward, less than desirable topic for discussion, but it’s something very close to my heart and something that needs to be given a lot more patience and compassion.

Mental health issues are very real, can be very painful and very disabling. For those who have never suffered, the idea of a mental health condition can seem a bit abstract, a bit weak perhaps- “Why don’t you just try harder?” “You’re just being lazy” “Obviously you don’t want to get better” Throw away comments that can resonate deep inside someone and be regurgitated and reanalysed, until that single comment becomes a mountain that you cannot climb, a dark hole that you cannot see a way out of. Imagine waking up and having an overwhelming sense of inadequacy, worthlessness, isolation and anxiety? Walking around in a glass bubble, where you can observe the world around you but never really feel part of it. You are able to acknowledge other people’s happiness but find it hard to feel it yourself. Where you can scream and scream and feel that no-one is listening, because nobody really cares anyway- do they? Would anyone even care if I just disappeared?

Now, try and tell me that’s not real. And very, very scary. Mental health issues are serious and hugely varying. They are idiosyncratic and an extremely personal experience that sometimes can’t be put into words. It’s difficult trying to explain to someone how you’re feeling, when you’re not really sure yourself. The only thing you do know is that you don’t feel quite like you.

For those of you who don’t know this about me, I have suffered from depression since I was 17 and Anxiety since the age of 22. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been all doom and gloom for the last 10 years, but there have been times in that period where it has been completely overwhelming, erratic, uncontrollable and painful. “But Katie- you’re so happy and bubbly! How could you be depressed?!” Quite easily my friends. Whether it’s from an incident in the past, whether it’s partly genetic or due to a change in circumstances, it’s a lot easier than you think to descend on that slippery slope down to incessant emptiness, loneliness and despair. However, I do have to say I have been lucky to be surrounded by supportive friends and family who have always found a way to help me through the rough patches and found some Mother-Theresa-esque patience within them to handle the sometimes scatty behaviour! Now I have to say, it is probably quite odd to deal with someone who cries when you make them a cuppa “because it’s just so nice and I *hiccups through tears* really appreciate *sniffs* everything you do for me”. Who sometimes won’t contact you for a few weeks because they’re in a place where the thought of leaving the house and seeing people is too much to bear? Who had a panic attack because she had to go in a shop to buy mirror hooks by herself? That must be hard to deal with.

I guess this snippet of insight into the life of someone living with a mental health condition, is not only to say that things are not always as they appear and that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but is also a message of appreciation to those who support and love those who are suffering. Even if they can’t say it themselves, everything you do will never go unnoticed or undervalued. And that can be the simplest thing- making someone a cup of tea or messaging them just to check in. Right now, I am in a place where things are getting back on track and finally I can see the surface. That drowning feeling is fading and little things are bringing happiness back into my life. Things will always get better, and yes, it is mostly a case of 3 steps forward and 2 steps back- but at least there’s that 1 step forward in the right direction. Life is precious and always worth living. People do care and you are unique, important and never alone. Give yourself a break- we all deserve to be happy.