The Big Black Cloud

PSA. We’re all losing our minds.

I was all geared up to write today about the power of asking for help, having received countless gifts every time I’ve done so. And as I’m asking myself what is present for me, the big black cloud above my head is impossible to ignore. A cloud that has different names on different days. Some days it’s the funk. Some, it’s clunky. The feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. The depression. That big glorious word. Depression.

And MANNN. It is hard out there right now. I know very few people who aren’t currently navigating some intense AF stuff. The world is heavy. Our lives are heavy. It feels apt that it’s raining tonight in LA.?

There’s a hesitation writing about this stuff at times, not because I’m afraid to - if you know me well, you’ll know there’s no topic off the table. But there is that old familiar feeling of, ‘what will people think’. Is this ok to be writing about when I’m currently job-hunting, sharing this in a very public way?

When I talk about this stuff with people directly, I am always met with a shared understanding. With a reflection that they are experiencing something similar, or know someone who is. I come back to this. It is hard out there right now. Being a human is hard. Period.?

And the conversations about what we’re experiencing in our heads, whilst we might be seeing more of them out in the open, it’s rare to see the level of honesty and frankness that people are willing to share one on one. Well that seems like a no-brainer.?

Why am I experiencing this black cloud personally? I could put it down to a few things - financial insecurity, overwhelmed with the process of job-hunting, heartbreak…. There’s a few other things I could probably reference, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s any of them in particular. I just feel a bit sh*t. It’s a low feeling. Low energy. Low self-esteem. Low motivation. And yet, in spite of these feelings, I am still moving forwards.?

I don’t share this for the pity party, and I could avoid this topic altogether, but my dear friend John Couch reminded me yesterday about the power of authenticity. And recognising and acknowledging this big fat blackness, is the very thing that needs to be spoken from the belly of my soul right now.?

This time feels like the time of initiations. Like we are being collectively crucified and crowned all at once. I know this, because in every period of descent that came before, I emerged the other side with what can only be described as super power. I met another aspect of the darkness that lives within me. The darkness that lives within all of us.?

At one point I would have been beating myself up for feeling like this, for thinking that there’s something wrong with me. I am grateful for the awareness I now have, to know that this moment will pass. These feelings will diminish, and I will emerge the other side with a renewed sense of self.

In the meantime, radical honesty is a lifeline. Taking each day at a time, knowing I don’t have to conquer the world today. If that job or deal doesn’t come through today, it’s still going to be ok. I am ok. Today, I am ok.?

And I wonder, how many people are in the same position as me? How many people are job-hunting right now? How are they doing? What’s really going on behind the scenes? Is everyone losing their minds? Or is it just me?

You know what. Everyone is losing their minds. I know that with enough confidence to declare it. Basically everyone is losing their minds about something right now.

And MY GOD am I grateful to have a whole armoire of tools. Maybe I’d be dead if I didn’t. How are people surviving without a meditation practice right now? Seriously, I am so very, very curious. Getting out of the house, out of my head and into my body. Taking the inspired action. Returning to breath, to community. Digging my ass deep into 12-step. Emailing the people. Not being afraid to reach out. If they don’t reply, it’s ok. It’s not all about you. Get good sleep. Eat good. Forward momentum. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Some day, maybe next week, maybe next month, this heaviness is going to lift. It’s inevitable. The job will come in. The deal will get closed. The heartache that feels so tender, simply won’t be anymore.?

We’re in the business of survival. Some days it’s really thriving, and getting to go after these big goals and dreams. And other days it’s survival. One foot in front of the other, back to the basics.?

And the vast majority of us weren’t taught how to navigate these periods of survival. These are tools and practices I had to learn. And clearly they don’t make it all perfect. I shared in a 12-step meeting today how grateful I was to be having these feelings, because god dammit that means I’m alive. And what’s more, I’m actually feeling my feelings, rather than numbing out or escaping them like I used to.

This has been a practice in learning to hold capacity. Capacity is a super power. It continues to grow.

Whilst we might not have been taught these tools, they are available to us. They are accessible for everyone who is willing. If you’ve made it this far and you don’t feel like you have tools for these kind of episodes, hit me up. I know some really excellent folks who can help.

And even these folks, professionals who can help others with their mental health, they have their days too.?

We’re all losing our minds after all. Every single one of us. One day at a time.