The 'B'ig bad wolf amidst us that needs to go

Last week, I saw this bright yellow poster stuck outside a grade 6 school classroom door that said — This is a Bully-free class! It was probably made as part of a class activity, but the significance of that statement struck deep inside. Bullying is not harmless fun at someone’s expense. It is neither an icebreaker, nor a strengthening exercise. It is nothing but a hostile intrusion into a person’s state of emotional well-being.

Let’s imagine a scenario — you are having a quiet peaceful evening at home and a bunch of unwanted guests barge in through your main door, throw things around, humiliate you, take advantage of their physical might and strength in numbers and violate the peace in your home and then go away. But only to come back another day, and then another day. The quiet peaceful home mentioned above is your emotional well-being and the intruders are those bullies that we meet at school, on the playground, at our workplace, on the streets, in social gatherings and very eminently now — on the internet.

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort, through physical contact, words or more subtle actions. But there is more to it than meets the eye. Bullying is an expression of power in the most negative form. It is used to exaggerate the differences between people. The strong appears stronger and the weak appears weaker at the end of it. But as they say, understanding a malady is the first step towards fighting it. There is a dire need right now to understand the dynamics of bullying, because as our lives get more digital and virtual by the day, bullying is getting a whole new base to operate from. A base that’s secure, discreet and without boundaries of any sort.

The BIG Why?

So why does bullying occur? The answer may seem complicated — but it is actually pretty straightforward. The need to feel powerful at the expense of someone else. The sheer lack of empathy for another human. A highly inflated yet fragile ego that requires another person’s misery to flourish. Add these three up and there you have the classic DNA of a bully!

The bunch of kids in school who deride and humiliate a weaker kid who might be different from them in physical appearance or behavior, the couple of men in a male-dominated office who make a female colleague uncomfortable with their tone or action, the countless trolls who attack people online from fake accounts for expressing their opinions and even the neighborhood Samaritans who pass unsavory comments time and again about someone going through a tough phase are all manifestations of this morbid behavior.

The long dark tunnel

Where does that leave the victims? The victims of bullying could go through long periods of emotional distress, anxiety, confidence issues, abysmally low self-esteem and in extreme cases, even deep psychological trauma. Going through the ordeal is like going through a long winding dark tunnel — often alone and with no light in sight. A million tiny fears creep up from all around and cloud the ability to see things clearly. Should I confide in someone? Should I seek help? If I seek help, will I be seen as weak and pitiable? Do I retaliate? Do I have it in me to retaliate? Will there be worse consequences if I retaliate? These are questions that spring up as unwanted stubborn weeds and push the victims further into the abyss of self-doubt and fear.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Bullying is a social evil and like all social evils, this too needs to be dealt at the grassroot level. The first step is taking cognizance of the issue and knowing when it occurs. We often tend to laugh it off as just another prank, but when the perpetrators remain the same and the target of the prank remains the same every single time, it often tends to venture into the bullying territory.

But there is indeed light at the end of the dark tunnel. A healthy communication channel is a strong antidote to the impact of bullying! If you know that you are a victim of bullying — be it school, workplace, social media, sports team, the first thing that needs to be done is talking about it. To a trusted friend, a mentor or a parent. Healthy conversations with the right people provide clarity of thought and alleviate the feeling of helplessness. If finding a person like that is hard or there is nobody in sight like that, there are so many free online forums available that provide an avenue to talk about the ordeal. The bottom-line here is — to communicate! To reach out and talk about it. Unfortunately, in most cases, talking about bullying is not an option that victims even consider. Bottling it up inside, and running away from it is the default response, which often leads to frustration, bad relationships, depression and loss of that one very important commodity that we all deserve — happiness!

Bullying is an all-pervading social issue. Ergo a single-point attack on it is as effective as a band-aid on a fracture! To uproot it from society, we need a conscious effort to recognize it, communicate about it and a collective effort to eliminate it.

If you are a bully, or even think that you might be bullying someone, STOP it. Period. 

If you stand beside a bully and enjoy the act — you are an equal stakeholder. Walk away. 

If you witness bullying happening around you, do something to stop it. Else bring it to the notice of someone who CAN do something.

If you know someone who is a victim, stand by them. Make them talk. Listen to them. Let them know that you understand. 

If you are a victim, do NOT press the mute button. Talk about it, write about it, reach out, communicate, express!

That crudely designed yellow poster outside the grade 6 classroom is a huge step to fighting this big bad wolf! But to win over it, we need a lot more empathy, tons of honest communication and a lot more effort!

How do you handle bullying? Do share your thoughts.. Happy Communicating!