Is it Bias or Oversensitivity?

The TEDx talk that I did last spring in Washington DC recently went live. It’s about uncovering bias in gender and women’s sexuality and as expected, I have received some push-back on how it’s a woman’s job to “grow thicker skin,” to “stop being so sensitive,” and that the real problem is that marginalized people are “looking to be offended.”

While comments like those admittedly trigger me, I am also glad when someone engages me because it gives me an opportunity to share a perspective that shift their beliefs. Or at least give them pause to consider a different point of view.

?Feelings vs. Future

From where I stand there is a big difference between feelings and future. While it’s a fact we will all get our feelings hurt – whether intentionally or unintentionally – and learning to maintain one’s own value and happiness in the face of insulting behavior is a necessary life skill, it’s imperative for all of us to distinguish between feelings and futures. In a nutshell, I don't care that much about somebody hurting my feelings, but I do care about them hurting my future.

Here's how that might play out in real life...

Limiting Access to Education

When I was a junior in college, I spent quite a bit of time in the career counselor’s office figuring out what I wanted to do after graduation. In college I was pom-pom dancer and taught aerobics (Remember the high impact aerobics phase?) so I was often in a cheerleader uniform or 1990’s spandex.

My passion was creating justice in the world, I loved research, writing, and debate, so law school seemed like the way to go. Plus, I was a straight-A-double-honor student, with many leadership roles under my belt. The only hang-up was that since I was financing my education on my own, I could not afford to go out of state. There are only two law schools in Colorado, so DU and CU were my only options, my only two doorways to my desired future.

When I met with a pre-law advisor at a career fair I was encouraged to “look into” being a paralegal, instead of an attorney. I was told I would probably “not do well” and would be “better suited to supporting attorneys instead of being an attorney.” Ummmm, why? Because I’m in a cheerleader uniform?

That's about my future, not my feelings. While it is obnoxious to insult or judge someone based on their appearance, feelings will heal. But don’t take away my future.

When someone controls access to something, and they deny you based on their interpretation of what they think someone is capable of based on their looks, skin color, sexual orientation, and the like, that’s the problem. And that problem, has nothing to do with feeling, insult, or taking offense to anything.

Especially when there is limited access to that which is desired. Had that pre-law advisor been from one of the law schools in Colorado, his judgment would have cut access to 50% of my opportunities.

Bias in the Workplace

Similarly, when interviewing for my first law job, a firm offered me a receptionist position instead of the associate position that I had applied for, because I "had a nice smile and was so friendly." Really? I have a juris doctorate, I was top of my class, I’m licensed in two states, and have been published and you want me as your receptionist because of my smile?

Did that judgement impact my feelings? You bet it did, but the problem is that the judgment impacted my future, not just my feelings.

So yes, grouchy people who are pushing back on my talk and claiming that “women and minorities need to grow a thicker skin.” Maybe we do. But I bet our skin is already pretty thick based on chronic misperception from others like you. But either way, I’m still willing to grow, change, and “toughen up” too.

Can we agree, however, that feelings and futures are entirely different things? That it's not about feelings, it's about our futures, and that whenever you are controlling access to anyone’s future, you better be darned clear that your judgments are in fact correct, and it’s not your bias that’s calling the shots.

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If you liked what you read, or just want to learn more, then check out my TEDx here and be sure to share it with anyone you thing might benefit from it.

#burnout #bias #unconsciousbias #judgment #women #future #feelings #lawyer #womeninlaw #discrimination #sexism #racism #ageism