Beyond Problem-Fixing: The Art of Supportive Presence

Hello, Wonderful Compassionate Leaders!

I recently penned a chapter in a book on compassion in leadership. Let me tell you, compassion was everywhere I turned! Its essence, its role, and its impact on our lives and leadership were all around me. (Stay tuned for more book details soon!)

Chatting with friends, colleagues, and clients revealed a pattern: many shared that they can't help themselves but fix a problem when they see one. Many tend to blur the line between helping others and maintaining our own balance.

I could relate to them as not so long ago, I was one of them. It's like you can't help but dive in to solve everyone else's problems—sometimes at the expense of your own peace. I was curious about this pattern so I researched more on where does this compelling desire come from.

In this newsletter, I am sharing my findings and also about how to find that sweet spot where we support those around us without taking on their challenges as our own.

The Urge to Solve: What's Fueling Us?

We've all felt that urge to jump in and fix things. But why are we so driven to help? Let's dive into what's really fueling this impulse:

• Living up to the "fixer" image we or others have of us
• A need to control uncertain situations
• The mistaken belief that we're responsible for others' happiness
• Habits that make helping a reflex
• Empathy that stretches too far
• Dodging our own discomfort
• Craving the feeling of being needed

Think back: when was the last time you swooped in to solve someone else's problem? What was your true motivation?

There's a big difference between being willing to help and feeling compelled to fix everything. Let's explore that.

Control Issues: Are You Trying to Control More Than Required?

Here are some signs you might be trying to solve problems to gain control:

• Feeling anxious without a clear solution to others' problems
• Frequently giving unsolicited advice
• Struggling to respect others' decisions
• Feeling frustrated when people ignore your advice

The Hidden Costs of Being the "Fixer"

Assuming we know best can be more than just presumptuous—it can lead to conflict and strain in relationships. It shifts our focus away from our own challenges, leaving us emotionally drained and fostering a false sense of control over situations that aren't ours to manage. This behavior often deepens an unhealthy pattern of feeling responsible for others' happiness, disempowering them by robbing them of the chance to learn and grow independently.

Moreover, it prevents us from offering meaningful support, as we may overlook the importance of truly listening and providing the emotional validation others need.

Next time you're tempted to "fix" someone else's issue, ask yourself if it's for their benefit or your comfort.

Embracing Our Limitations: A New Perspective on Helping

Accepting that we can't solve everything is a great step towards helping others in a healthy way. You can start by:

• Acknowledging your limits and setting clear boundaries in terms of time and emotional energy
• Acknowledging and celebrating when others' solve their own problems
• Noticing when you feel compelled to fix someone else's issues
• Focusing on your growth as a healthy supporter
• Shifting from "fixer" to listener

Challenge Time!

This week, instead of jumping in with solutions, try saying, "I hear you," "That sounds tough," or "What do you think you could do?" Let others lead their own problem-solving journey, while you cheer them on from the sidelines.

Making a Difference Without Dependency

Incorporating this new way, your help can create growth, instead of reliance. You'll conserve your energy for what truly matters and empower others rather than enable them.

Check in with yourself: are there relationships where your help might be more enabling than empowering?

TL;DR

A Summary of How to Move Away from the Urge to Fix Others' Problems

• Listen actively without offering solutions right away
• Encourage self-reliance with thoughtful questions
• Protect your well-being with healthy boundaries
• Offer emotional support without taking over

True compassion is trusting others to navigate their own paths. As leaders, we create safe spaces for growth rather than providing all the answers.

By mastering this balance, we help others more effectively and nurture our own growth. Until next time, lead with compassion—for others and yourself.

Keep shining brightly!

?Meenu

Meenu Datta is a certified executive life coach who helps tech executives navigate the unique challenges of their roles, such as imposter syndrome, work-life integration, effective communication, and strategizing their next career phase. Her personalized coaching empowers leaders to build confidence, sharpen their leadership skills, and align their careers with their values. Meenu' s clients achieve successful transitions, improved team dynamics, and enhanced work-life harmony.