BEYOND THE OBVIOUS, THERE IS GRIEF

Grief is a universal experience, something every human being will encounter at some point in life. For many, grief is still closely associated with loss due to death—perhaps the death of a loved one or a pet. Even in discussions about children’s grief, it is often mentioned that their first experience of loss comes when a pet or a grandparent dies. However, in reality, both children and adults experience grief far more frequently than we realize.

Grief is a response to loss, and loss can come in many forms—lost opportunities, disrupted routines, the end of time spent with loved ones, changes in familiar surroundings, the death of a person or pet (of course), and many more. These various forms of grief make it difficult to pinpoint our very first experience of loss, but it’s almost certain that it happened before we experienced the grief of death.

THE MOBILITY GRIEF TOWER IS STILL INVISIBLE TO MOST PEOPLE

In today’s world, particularly with high levels of mobility and constant change, we experience multiple losses throughout life. Understanding grief and its impacts, especially when left unaddressed, is crucial. As explained by Lauren Wells very well in her grief tower model, unresolved grief can accumulate making it much harder to process over time. When feelings of grief are left tangled together, it becomes necessary to unravel these experiences with intention—revisiting them one by one to properly address and process each loss. And doing that takes time. Much more time than addressing the grief in the moment it happens.

UNDERSTANDING HELPS ASSIMILATE AND ACCEPT

Performing meaningful grieving rituals allows us to understand what happened, accept it, and move forward.

Now, one important thing to understand is that children do not grieve in the same way adults do. While they pass through the same phases and ultimately need to reach the same point of acceptance, the way their grief manifests can look very different. This is especially true if they don’t have the words to express their emotions or if their grief is mislabeled as misbehavior.

Grief can be especially confusing for young children, but while we can’t shield them from the pain of loss, we can help them feel safe. Encouraging children to express their feelings helps them develop healthy coping mechanisms, and this all begins with acknowledging that they grieve too. It’s important to give children the tools to process grief in a healthy way, particularly for those who are more sensitive and may experience grief intensely, even over seemingly small changes.

SENSITIVITY, PERSONALITY, AND LIFE STAGES

One personal example I often use to illustrate this is how children grieve the loss of simple things, like plants, when moving from one country to another. When my family moved from Belgium to Ireland, our children grieved the loss of our plants (that could not come with us in the container) And when we moved back to Spain, the loss of their fish, was not allowed on the pain either. This serves as a clear example of how children experience and grieve over many things in their lives, that do not necessarily involve death. Think about their perspective on life: for a 4-year-old, 18 months is almost the entire life he/she has memories for!

Changes affect them differently from adults, and it is crucial to validate their emotions.

Whether they feel sad, angry, guilty, or even anxious, these emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Sometimes, very young children may regress—such as returning to bed-wetting or wanting to sleep with their parents again. These may be a part of their adjustment during transitions, and by explaining it and allowing the space and time to understand why it is happening, these symptoms may fade even earlier than without this information.

MODELING AS EMOTIONAL BEINGS

Children should be guided through their grief with clear explanations of what they are experiencing. Many children struggle to express emotions verbally, so other outlets—like drawing, creating scrapbooks, looking through photo albums, or storytelling—can be extremely helpful. But the most efficient of all is to model for your child what works for you. Explain that each person processes loss in their own way and that they can explore (as they develop and experience loss and grief) their own methods of coping.

When talking about death, avoid euphemisms, as children tend to interpret things literally. It’s essential to be honest and clear, so if you don’t know the answers:

Being there for them is what matters most.

Keep in mind that children’s reactions can be unpredictable, and even a well-prepared child might become upset. Children often mimic their parents’ grief behaviors, so it’s important to show your emotions and reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad. Don’t minimize the significance of the loss or immediately replace the lost pet, routine, or object. Give your child time to grieve fully—this is an important opportunity to teach them about the natural process of loss and how to cope in healthy, emotionally supportive ways.

LIFE MUST GO ON; KEEP SOME ESSENTIAL ROUTINES

Amidst grief, maintaining a consistent routine can be crucial for children. If you need personal time to grieve, try to rely on friends or relatives to help keep your child’s daily schedule consistent. Aim for at least three structured moments in the day, such as mealtimes, bedtime, and a happy, child-friendly activity. This routine helps remind children that while grief is a part of life, life does go on, and there is still time for joy and connection.

When children experience significant losses, such as the death of a parent or the upheaval of a separation (emotional or geographical), they may begin to worry about losing their remaining caregivers. In such cases, it’s essential to offer reassurance. It’s also helpful to rely on other trusted adults, as children benefit from having additional caregivers they feel they can rely on, particularly during times of repeated relocations or loss.

For some children, therapy may be necessary. As Dr. Saltz recommends:

Therapy provides an outlet for children who may feel they cannot talk to grieving family members.

If you are working with children or your child appears to be struggling to cope and shows signs of extreme distress, it may be wise to consult with a professional who understands the impact of loss and grief. In some cases, children may develop an adjustment disorder after a traumatic or disruptive event. A professional can provide support and guidance.

While I do not work with children myself, as mentioned I am the mother of two highly mobile international TCKs, and an ATCK myself, currently working with ATCK who are the living proof of the complications attached to unsolved grief in childhood. So I urge the families and professionals to acknowledge this in their assessment, diagnosis, and interventions.

Please leave your comment!

Kindly,

Karina