Beyond Managing: The Power of Adult-to-Adult Communication in Leadership

Lately, I’ve seen a surge of articles discussing the difference between managing vs. leading. While this conversation has been explored extensively, a business coach recently recommended I think about it from a different angle: parent-child communication vs. adult-to-adult communication in the workplace.

That insight stuck with me. Too often, organizations—sometimes unintentionally—fall into parent-child dynamics, where leaders dictate, control, or rescue employees rather than fostering collaboration and shared ownership. The more effective (but more challenging) leadership approach? Adult-to-adult communication.

Let’s explore what this means, why it’s crucial, and how you can shift communication dynamics in your team to create more empowerment, accountability, and trust.

Understanding the Parent-Child vs. Adult-to-Adult Dynamic

The Parent-Child dynamic is common in hierarchical organizations. It might not be intentional, but it happens when leaders:

• Give orders instead of setting direction
• Micromanage tasks instead of trusting execution
• Solve problems for employees instead of coaching them through challenges
• Withhold critical information under the assumption that "they don’t need to know"

On the flip side, employees in a child-like role might:

• Wait for direction rather than take initiative
• Avoid accountability, expecting leaders to "fix" problems
• Fear speaking up or challenging ideas
• Seek constant approval before making decisions

Contrast this with Adult-to-Adult communication, where both leaders and employees:

• Engage in mutual respect and problem-solving
• Take accountability for their contributions
• Communicate transparently, without sugarcoating or condescension
• Trust each other’s expertise and perspectives

When leaders operate in an adult-to-adult dynamic, they empower employees to think critically, take ownership, and contribute at a higher level—instead of waiting for permission or direction.

Building a Culture of Adult-to-Adult Communication

1. Build Psychological Safety

Employees need to feel safe to speak up, make mistakes, and contribute ideas without fear of micromanagement, reprimand, retribution, or being attacked or undermined.

When employees worry about how their input will be received, they’re less likely to take initiative, share concerns, or challenge the status quo—leading to missed opportunities, disengagement, and a culture of silence.

To foster psychological safety:

• Encourage open dialogue by asking "What do you think?" instead of shutting down input.
• Reward initiative and critical thinking, even when ideas aren’t immediately adopted.
• View mistakes as learning opportunities, not failures or grounds for punishment.
• Address toxic behaviors such as public callouts, passive-aggressive responses, or dismissing ideas outright—these quickly erode trust.
• Ensure accountability goes both ways—leaders should also be open to feedback and model the behavior they expect from others.

A culture of psychological safety doesn’t mean eliminating accountability—it means ensuring that feedback, decisions, and corrections happen constructively and without personal attacks or political maneuvering.

2. Shift from Telling to Coaching

Instead of giving orders or solving every problem for employees, ask guiding questions that encourage critical thinking:

• "What do you think the best course of action is?"
• "What options have you considered?"
• "What’s the potential impact of each decision?"

This approach fosters problem-solving skills, ownership, and confidence—which ultimately reduces dependency on leadership for every decision.

3. Set Clear Expectations, Not Just Rules

Rather than micromanaging or dictating how every task should be done, set clear expectations for outcomes and let employees determine the best way to achieve them.

For example:

• Instead of “I need this done exactly this way”, say “Here’s the objective—how would you approach it?”
• Instead of “Follow these steps exactly”, say “Let’s define the success criteria and then discuss possible approaches.”

This shift promotes creativity, autonomy, and accountability.

4. Encourage Constructive Disagreement

In parent-child organizations, disagreement is often discouraged or seen as insubordination. But in high-performing teams, healthy debate leads to stronger decisions.

Leaders should model how to disagree constructively:

• Focus on facts, logic, and business outcomes, not personal opinions or authority.
• Welcome diverse perspectives and challenge ideas without making it personal.
• Reinforce that debate is a sign of engagement, not defiance.

A culture where constructive disagreement is encouraged fosters innovation, resilience, and stronger decision-making.

Examples of Parent-Child vs. Adult-to-Adult Communication

Scenario 1: Addressing a Missed Deadline

Parent-Child Approach:

• "Why did you mess this up? You should have come to me earlier!"
• "This can’t happen again. Next time, check with me before making any decisions."

Adult-to-Adult Approach:

• "I noticed the project didn’t hit the deadline. What happened, and what can we do differently next time?"
• "Let’s walk through the challenges you faced and discuss how we can improve the process moving forward."

Scenario 2: Giving Feedback

Parent-Child Approach:

• "I don’t like how you handled that meeting. Next time, do it my way."

Adult-to-Adult Approach:

• "I want to share some feedback on that meeting. What was your perspective on how it went?"
• "One thing I noticed—your approach was effective in some areas, but I think adjusting X could improve engagement. What are your thoughts?"

Scenario 3: Decision-Making

Parent-Child Approach:

• "I don’t have time to explain. Just do it the way I said."

Adult-to-Adult Approach:

• "Here’s the challenge we’re facing. I’d like to hear your thoughts on how we should approach it."
• "We have two options here. What trade-offs do you see, and which would you recommend?"

Final Thoughts

Effective leadership isn’t about controlling or micromanaging—it’s about empowering employees to think critically, take ownership, and operate as partners in success.

If your team feels hesitant to speak up, lacks initiative, or seems overly dependent on leadership for decisions, it’s worth examining whether parent-child dynamics exist in your organization.

Shifting to adult-to-adult communication creates higher trust, better problem-solving, and a more engaged workforce. It’s not about relinquishing authority—it’s about using leadership to guide, mentor, and elevate those around you.

By making this shift, you create a culture of ownership, accountability, and innovation, setting both employees and the organization up for long-term success.

#Leadership #Communication #PsychologicalSafety #Trust #Teamwork #Ownership #Empowerment #Management #Growth