Beyond “How's school going?”: How to talk with kids at the start of the year

Welcome to the September edition of my newsletter. Here I share tips, strategies and resources to enhance your conversations and relationships with kids. Even if you only have 5 minutes a few times a day, taking the time to relate deeply to the kids in your life is powerful. It sets the gears in motion, building your bond while giving kids a model of how a strong relationship looks.

Now that we're at the start of the school year for many kids, one question I frequently get is how we can talk with kids to help them navigate changes in schools, classrooms, friends, and activities. This time can frequently be confusing or stressful for kids--especially if we expect them to be having a good time all the time, or if we think they should “have it all together.”

Instead, our conversations can help kids make sense of what they're going through and remember all their strengths as they move forward. It can also help them help their friends. As we teach them strategies and skills, they can use these as a foundation for their relationships in all the areas of their lives.

Remember: When kids get help, they can give help

For example, if you help a child prepare for the stresses and excitement of a new high school, she has a model of how to help her friend who might be undergoing a similar change. Here are some tips to help kids of all ages:

1)??? Reframe neediness as “needs me”: at the start of the school year, kids tend to need the adults in their lives even more than ever to help them navigate all the changes they are facing. This is especially true for kids with language or social challenges (which can sometimes go hand in hand) but it's true for typically developing kids as well. Even kids who don't typically want advice from you may want to know what you think--whether it's about what to wear on the first day or how to navigate being the new kid in class.

As adults, having kids back at school can be a transitional time for us also. Notice your own reactions to their need to talk. If you need more downtime, try “bookmarking” talk. Tell kids you will have that conversation later—and set a time to do so. Remember that you have a critical role to play with them, especially now.

2)??? Leave open doors: Sometimes, kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed about feelings that often come up at the start of school. For instance, say they don’t have anyone to sit with at lunch or feel like they don’t have friends. These feelings might not be the ones they expected to have. They might feel their siblings or friends will laugh at them if they share, or simply think they're weird.

You can help by reassuring them that all feelings are normal, and that things won’t always feel uncomfortable and strange.?"It can feel hard at the start of the year" is an important message for many kids. "Things might not feel perfect at first."

Try leaving some extra time and space for hearing kids out. You might even ask them questions like “What part of that could I help with?” or (after they tell you a story) “Is there a part of that you’re still wondering about?”

3)??? Focus on “air traffic control”: At all ages, kids can use help with executive functioning, or EF skills. These skills are like the “air traffic control” of the brain (see this link from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child), making sure all the planes get to the right places on time. They help kids plan, prioritize, and stop their initial impulses. For instance, they learn to raise their hands and not call out.?

These skills are just as critical as academics, or even more so, since they let kids focus on learning and not get distracted.

To help, you can have conversations that stretch these skills. For example, for a younger child: “What three things do you need to do in the morning to get ready? How can you remind yourself?” Try making a schedule with pictures. For an older child, talk through assignments and deadlines, focusing on how kids can set goals for themselves. For example: “How far do you need to get by next Tuesday?”

?Also, try deeper conversations about goals, for example: “What’s a skill you’d like to develop in the next few months?” If they don’t know, try giving an example from your own life.

Remember: simply by loving and listening deeply to the kids in your life, you are giving them the strong start they need.?

I hope this is helpful! I’d love to hear ideas and questions from you as well. Have a great and conversation-filled start to the year. Also, for more, see these resources:

Book: Jennifer Wallace’s Never Enough, about how to help kids with an achievement-focused culture. See her video here.

App: GAB-on!, a free app using playful prompts to help parents and kids connect. I’ve spoken with the founders and am excited to see them expanding this work!

Best,

Rebecca Rolland, EdD

www.rebeccarolland.com

Author of The Art of Talking with Children, HarperOne