Beyond Either/Or

Confession:

Grief & Joy - It's early evening and an older woman stands with two 30-something women. They share the same nose. (Not literally.) "Three sisters," I exclaim, "all shopping together." The older woman beams and proudly states,"I'm their mother. And she's my daughter, visiting from Wisconsin." A lively conversation ensues in which I point out that the sister from Wisconsin must "love her mother and sister a lot to travel 2,000 miles just to go shopping with them!" The Wisconsin woman holds up the "buy-one-get-one-free" bacon packets, winks and says, "Well, they are good shoppers." We all laugh. It's easy. We're celebrating their togetherness.... At this point, I notice a woman, somewhere between the age of the daughters and the mother, standing in line behind us and watching. She is remarkable because she is enjoying the banter and the fun. She isn't impatiently waiting for this shenanigans to end so she can buy her groceries and move on; she's engaged. She wears a peaceful, wistful look. But she is smiling. When the others leave, this woman hands me a bag of ground coffee. Nothing else. I let her know I love coffee, too. I ask her why she is just buying the coffee. She says she’s been in the hospital for 4 days and she really needs some java. She says she was with her daughter. Oh, I say. There is a pause. She says “My daughter is in hospice.”? I am at a loss for words. I look down and remember her watching the older woman and her daughters, so happy together. I look up and I see the sadness in this woman's eyes like a cup filled to the absolute brim. I ring up the coffee and hand it to her. I like to be ready with something to say to people, even in their hard times, but right now I am empty. I put my hand on my heart. We stand for a moment, meeting each other's gaze, enveloped in the depth of her sadness and the random noise and bustle of a supermarket. "She's 27," she says.... "I'm sorry for all the joking around before with those ladies," I say. She shakes her head and her smile reappears."No," she said. "That was good to see. That was beautiful." As she turns to go, I see the tears overflow her eyes and snake down her cheeks. She is still smiling.

A Third Way

This is a dream I experienced last year. Normally, I forget my dreams. But this was too vivid to forget. In truth, it changed the way I approached my work at the supermarket and how I act with everyone I meet. This dream invited me to explore the territory beyond either/or -- to think of a new way of living my life, a third way. Here's the dream:

I am trying to position a large rectangle – or perhaps a parallelogram – on a layout to complete a kind of puzzle. This is not a normal-sized puzzle. It is far bigger than I am, and the piece I am trying to maneuver is bigger than me too. This is not a problem as I am able to direct it where I want it to go without actually physically manipulating it. I can “magic” it and float it around with gestures. Except … it doesn’t seem to fit in the spot I need to fill. It looks like it should fit. And fit well. But it just doesn’t.

I woke from the dream suddenly. Then I fell back asleep and the dream continued:

I have a sense of a wisdom and a presence that lets me know “if one 1 or 2 do not work, there is a third way.” This is quite confusing to me. As far as I can figure, the shape or puzzle piece either fits (1) or doesn’t fit (2). I find myself wondering what (3) or the third way could be. It is beyond me. In the dream, words come to me and I speak them aloud:? “I cannot imagine…. No, I cannot conceive this 3rd way. It must arise.” This adds to the sense of paradox and puzzlement (pun intended, I suppose!). I wonder how I can find the 3rd way if I can’t conceive of it.

After I wake, it dawns on me that the third way is not present while I am only thinking of 1 or 2. It is a way that can only arise beyond my thoughts. I can recognize it when it arises. But only if I am open to recognizing new input, open to more than my own thinking. Perhaps the third way will arise when I am no longer looking for the either/or of a duality - the fit or the failure-to-fit. ?It strikes me that I am being asked to create a process that allows me to wait for insight that is given or arrives, rather than pursue a plan I've devised. I must listen and watch.

The Middle Way of Buddhism & Trust

At this point, you may be thinking- "Hold on, Steven. I'm not reading your post for religious instruction."

Here is my reply: This is one of the most practical lessons I have ever learned. This is a path to enjoying my life. It has nothing to do with religion. And everything to do with living well. People from any religion - or none - can use this approach to learn and grow, to celebrate life.

It just so happens that a Buddhist wisdom teacher describes this third or middle way of presence and nonjudgmental acceptance really well. His name is Jack Kornfield. Check this out:

"Learning to rest in the middle way requires trust in life itself. It is like learning to swim. I remember first taking swimming lessons when I was seven years old. I was a skinny, shivering boy flailing around, trying to stay afloat in a cold pool. But one morning there came a magical moment lying on my back when I was held by the teacher and then released. I realized that the water would hold me, that I could float. I began to trust. Trusting in the middle way, there is an ease and grace, a cellular knowing that we too can float in the ever-changing ocean of life that has always held us." - Jack Kornfield

Confession

Frog-jumping in the Self-Checkout - 3 young boys are being boisterous. No surprise here. Aged 4, 5, and 6 they are kinetic, exuberant, joyful, and slightly out of control as their teenage sister and brother ignore them, scanning items at the self-checkout. An older man at the checkout opposite turns with arched eyebrows and looks at them disapprovingly. I realize he may soon be looking at me the same way. Oh well, c'est la vie! ... I bend down to one of the children. The 5 year-old is on his knees, announcing to all and sundry: "I am very short!" That's an invitation if I ever heard one. So I get on my knees. "Me, too," I say. He immediately bounds up. "I'm tall now!" I acknowledge the change: "You're growing fast." Then I invite all 3 to crouch down. "Can you crouch like a frog? And when I count to 3 can you jump like a frog?" They immediately crouch, big grins on their faces. "Now wait.... one, two, three ... Jump as high as you can!" They not only jump but break out into some cool dance moves. This goes on for some time. I note the older man leaving with his grumpitude intact, but the other shoppers are smiling and nodding. Even big bro and sis turn from the self-checkout to pay attention and nod. I show the boys my jazz step cross-over and spin move, circa 1983. They immediately counter with more acrobatic moves. A lady walks by me with a wink. "I think you've met you match, Steven."

"Empty and Yet Filled with Possibility"

“The middle path does not go from here to there. It goes from there to here.” - Teacher

In a wonderful post excerpted from his book The Wise Heart, Jack Kornfield describes how going beyond either/or thinking can create a path of discovery and joy.

"In the middle way, we come to rest in the reality of the present, where all the opposites exist. T. S. Eliot calls this the 'still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;/Neither from nor towards; . . . neither arrest nor movement.' The sage Shantideva calls the middle way 'complete non-referential ease.' The Perfect Wisdom Text describes it as 'realization of suchness beyond attainment of good or bad, ever present with all things, as both the path and the goal.'

"What do these mysterious words mean? They are attempts to describe the joyful experience of moving out of time, out of gaining or losing, out of duality. They describe the ability to live in the reality of the present. As one teacher put it, 'The middle path does not go from here to there. It goes from there to here.' The middle path describes the presence of eternity. In the reality of the present, life is clear, vivid, awake, empty and yet filled with possibility." [1]

Confession

2 Boys, A Sleep-over, and 2 Dozen Roses - Two 9-year-old boys are giggling by a self-checkout register as they attempt to scan two bouquets of a dozen roses each. I let go of my judgmental thoughts and amble up to ask them how they are doing. One of them looks up with a big smile that pushes the abundant freckles on his cheeks into his dimples. "We're great!" he says. "Ben is sleeping over." Ben smiles, too. They are happy campers. This does not explain the roses, however.... "Can I help you scan the roses?" I say. The first boy shakes his head. "We got it. But you could watch out for my mother." I do a quick survey of the area near the self-checkouts. "No maternal units on the radar at the mo.... Is she going to pay for the roses?" "No way," says the boy. "It's a surprise!" I listen as he explains that Ben is getting to stay the night, which is great, the first time ever, and so they wanted to get a gift for his mother to say thanks. He explains that he's using his own money. By this time, the roses have been purchased and Ben is trying to put both bouquets into a shopping bag with one hand. I hold the bag open. Once inside, they still poke out over the top. The first boy says, "Darn." Then he asks for another bag. To cover the roses. Because it's a surprise. I say sure. And the boys just manage to get the roses covered by the time Mama enters the self-checkouts with her shopping. I look at her and I look at the brown bag topped by another brown bag being held by Ben. "I can't reveal any secrets," I say, "but you have a very generous son who is very excited and grateful about this sleepover." A big smile grows on her face. Her son goes up to her and gives her a hug. He indicates the bagged mystery gift. "It's for you, Mom. You can open it when we get home."

Instead of Choosing Sides, Choose the Third or Middle Way

Here's some unsolicited advice. Please ignore it if it doesn't resonate.

The next time "for/against" or "either/or" thinking is top of your mind, take a moment. Pause. Try letting go of the judgment that separates good from bad, people you like from people you don't like. Try meeting the present without a knee-jerk judgement. Try accepting what is happening around you. This is not approval. Nor is it disapproval. This is the way you can create space for new understanding to arise. In my dream, the message was clear: wait, watch and listen for what will arise - what is arising. This is a way of choosing an alternate path in a world that is often picking enemies and choosing sides. This is a way to seek compassion.

"We can be with all our experience in its complexity, with our own exact thoughts and feelings and drama. We learn to embrace tension, paradox, change. Instead of seeking resolution, waiting for the chord at the end of a song, we let ourselves open and relax in the middle. In the middle we discover that the world is workable." - Jack Kornfield [2]

To Jack Kornfield's wise words, I would just add that the world is more than workable. The world, in spite of its suffering, greed, and selfishness, is always deeper than our judgment of it. If we wait for what is arising, what will arise, if we engage with compassion, we will start to feel both more peaceful and more alive. And, yes, don't forget all the delightful, rich and heartful surprises that can arise when we stay present with open minds as we experience our lives..

[1] Jack Kornfield also notes the guidance from his his teacher Ajahn Chah about the middle way : "Sometimes Ajahn Chah described it like a koan, where “there is neither going forward, nor going backward, nor standing still.” To discover the middle way, he went on, “Try to be mindful, and let things take their natural course. Then your mind will become still in any surroundings, like a clear forest pool. All kinds of wonderful, rare animals will come to drink at the pool, and you will clearly see the nature of all things. You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go, but you will be still." Please read Kornfield's post. It's an inspiration.

[2] Jesus of Nazareth has this to say about either/or thinking: "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor?and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children?of your Father in heaven.… If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others?'" —Matthew 5:43–48???More here.