Beyond Acceptance: Strategies for Parental Burnout

This article provides an extension to the 3-part story series, exploring the strategies in responding to parental burnout. Subscribe to The Hard Truth to be notified of the next release.

As a response to the last 3-part story series exploring lived experience of parental burnout, a connection in my network commented...

What do we actually do? Sob quietly in a corner when no one is looking…and then somehow find a way to scoop ourselves back together and carry on - because there’s no alternative. Rinse. Repeat.

In my last article, I spoke about parental burnout being an imbalance between the demands placed upon us and the resources we have to cope, but the uniqueness of parental burnout means we cannot wake up one day and simply quit our role of parenting. In this way, parents have limited ability to control the equation as they cannot always reduce the demands side of the burnout equation.

Reflecting on this question, I think about what I say when my friends tell me they are burnt out from parenting and work...and I've always avoided responding to them with "practice some self-care" or "take time to yourself to decompress", because I know that isn't always an option. You might not have someone to take the kids, you might not have the people around you to offer support...it might be just you, so what can we do within ourselves to prevent parental burnout??

1) Find Your Safe People?

Parenting is one of the most opinionated topics that any of us will come across. There is information overload when it comes to what you should or shouldn't do as a parent, leaving many parents feeling lost and confused about whether they are parenting "right". It can be hard to decipher what or who to listen to when it comes to asking for guidance. It is, therefore, important to have what I call your "Safe People" - this might be a group or a couple of individuals that you feel are aligned with you and you feel safe to share how you're feeling without fear of judgement. These individuals don't need to have the same parenting style, or even agree with every parenting decision, but they have to be people who understand holding space for each other and letting ourselves figure things out when it is messy. This means finding the people who give you good energy and give you confidence in your decision making power as a parent.?

2) Say Goodbye to Depleters?

On the flip side to have people who give us a good energy, there are a lot of places where we can absorb information or have interactions that give you bad energy. To define bad energy, this is how I describe the things that make me feel worse about myself - that feeling when you walk away from reading something on social media or from an interaction with someone and you feel worse about yourself as a parent.

For example, it is sometimes easy to get addicted to social media accounts or people in our lives that might appear to live the life that we want to lead, but if following that account or being in contact with that person makes you feel resentful or sad or as though you are not good enough, then flip this around to know that it is in your control what information you absorb on any given day, so make sure whatever it is leaves you feeling good about yourself.?

3) Outsource?Where Possible

Outsourcing isn’t a new idea but it can be easy to forget that it is an option. As parents (and humans), we love being able to convince ourselves we can do it all and still feel energetic by the end of the day (hint: it isn't possible). Some easy outsourcing ideas include hiring a cleaner once a month if that’s what you’re finding the hardest, or it could be simpler, such as buying pre-made meals, or buying pre-cut vegetables and meat, even if it saves you an extra 10 minutes at dinner time, that is 10 minutes you can spend on yourself.

There is an important balance when it comes to outsourcing as sometimes we can accidentally outsource activities that would actually bring us good energy into our days, for example, if you enjoy cooking, outsourcing this may not be your best option, so instead choose something that doesn’t give the feel-good vibes (that is cleaning for me!).?

4) Stop Judging Yourself

We spend a lot of time in our own heads, and our biggest critic is always ourselves. We are so good at telling ourselves that we aren’t doing enough as parents, or we are not good enough, or should be better, and we can almost guarantee ourselves that even when we might achieve that mystical parenting goal that we have in our minds, as soon as we reach out, we would set ourselves a new unattainable goal that makes us feel less than (again).

So, as a strategy, write down all the things you’re doing well in - they don’t have to be grandiose or instagram-worthy. This might be as simple as making your child giggle, getting them to sleep (even if it took 2 hours), staying awake in the work meeting (big achievement sometimes), called a friend while on a walk while your kids played in the park, the list goes on. ?

Celebrate the small wins, relish in the joys that do exist, and be OK that you're doing the best you can.

5) Prioritise Connection with Others?

It might seem straight forward to prioritise social connection. We know it’s good for us, but when we are tired, it can feel like the last thing we want to do. Being able to connect with others who are going through similar experiences can provide profound benefits to a sense of belonging and shared connection with others. This might mean joining a community group with your kids, challenging yourself to talk to the other parents at the park, joining a mothers / fathers group.

Even if everything else feels like it isn’t going well, whether that is a bad day, week, month or year, connecting with someone else who gives us that warm-heart feeling that someone else understands, making us realise that we never truly are alone.?

6) Find Your Reminders?

The funny thing about self-care and taking care of ourselves is the same for anything that’s good for us - we know it’s good but sometimes it is so hard to remind ourselves until we’ve pushed ourselves way too far. Find a personal reminder that works for you to take that millisecond moment to remind yourself of the things that matter to you, the things you’re doing well, and to remind yourself that you’re only human. You, like everyone else, has only 24 hours in the day, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’re doing the best you can in that moment. Put a quote on your desk, carry a stone in your pocket, have a photo on your desk - whatever you need to remind yourself that although things may not be what you want it to be, but being able to take a deep breath, recognise the moment, and consciously choosing what you do next is an incredible privilege that we all have in life.

We can’t always change how we’ve felt in the past - whether that is exhausted, frustrated, angry, when we’ve not been at our best - but the beautiful thing about life is that we can change how we move forward, the choices we make, and the reminder that we can only do what is humanly possible for us in any given moment.

Beyond that, we just have wild dreams about an unrealistic parental figure that makes us feel as though we aren’t good enough, which we know isn’t true.?

Camille Wilson is the founder of Grow Together Now?and partners with companies as a mental health speaker, author and consultant on engaging with mental health in the workplace.