Beware when you compare yourself to others – it’s stealing your joy

This is a very deeply personal post, in which I am opening a very vulnerable space. Note that I may ramble a bit because emotions don’t flow in neatly edited, linear fashion. They are messy.

Scrolling through social media this morning, I found myself tumbling into a hole of frustration, despondency and despair, as the legions of accomplishments of some very awesome people dazzled my screen. Why them and not me? What are they doing that I am not? How can I compete with this? What am I doing wrong? My spirits drooped lower and lower.

Then I caught sight of one of my own posts, and looked at it through the eyes of a stranger:

“Wow. This woman is living the life. She has it all together. She’s always so joyful. I wish I could be like her.”

And I realized that, like everyone else, what I put out there is only a very small, highly and carefully curated version of Marguerite.

Now, I am living a wonderful life. I had a very happy childhood. I have seen and done wonderful things. And the people in my life are true gifts and blessings. Through the years, I have learned and apply many tools to manage situations in my life, making the best of whatever is thrown at me. I am truly the “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” kind of woman. But there are moments when I sit with myself and must acknowledge that I feel down, I harbor negative thoughts, I am envious of others and their accomplishments. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I have wasted the time and gifts that were given to me. Frankly, I have many moments when I feel like a failure.

Sometimes I try to get out of the space as quickly as possible, usually by shifting to gratitude. But there are times when I feel the need to just sit with the feelings for a while, to acknowledge them as real in my life in this moment. To keep the wound open for a bit, before attending to it. To remember that everyone is going through their own version of stuff, and that I am not immune. To accept that life is full of challenges, and that if we didn’t have challenges, that would be the biggest challenge of all because we wouldn’t be learning and growing.

A few months ago, trekking on the Inca Trail in Peru, on my way to Machu Picchu, we had stopped at one of the many spectacular Inca ruins, with a breathtaking view of the Andes. As dusk descended, we dragged ourselves away with great reluctance to make camp before nightfall. As we wended our way in single file, a fellow trekker asked me which is more beautiful – the Andes or the Himalayas? I struggled to answer, searching for words, the memories of both flashing back and forth as I tried to decide. Then from behind me came the voice of another trekker:

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

The minute he said that my heart soared as I realized that to compare is futile. The Andes are magnificent. The Himalaya are magnificent. Each in their own right.

To compare means to diminish. Just as it’s futile to compare the Andes and the Himalayas, it’s also futile to compare myself with others. But here’s the thing: I know that in my head. But frankly, I’m human. So, I scroll through other people’s profiles comparing, mesmerized, miserable. At such times, the best thing I can do is log out physically and sit with my feelings until I’m in a place where I can log out emotionally. Then I can look at everything through the lens of no comparison. Takes time, takes work. Takes patience.

Nature provides us with infinite instances of magnificent beauty – from the grandeur of the mountains to the delicate perfection of a butterfly. Each of us has our unique, incomparable magnificence. Acknowledging the other does not diminish me. There’s only one Marguerite Rose Doreen Orane now, ever in history and forever in the future. And there’s only one, ever in history and forever in the future, you. I celebrate that.

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And check out my blog for more of my writing – www.margueriteorane.com/blog.?

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If you want to know more about my work with leadership coaching, mindfulness training, or team strategy and culture facilitation, you can find it on my website or contact me directly at [email protected]

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Marguerite Orane is dedicated to changing the way we live and work so that we do so with joy. She coaches leaders in realizing the value that joy and happiness at work bring to people and profits. With over 30 years in strategy consulting and general management, Marguerite’s commitment is to help leaders and their teams joyfully bring strategy to life to achieve their desired results.

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