Beware Those Who Ask For Feedback

My experience with providing people with feedback is mixed. Some seem to welcome it, some don’t.? I can’t tell who is who so I sort of withdrew from the feedback business.? According to studies, most people want to hear feedback but, like me, most people are reluctant to give it.?

It’s not difficult to tell people they did really great.? That feedback makes everyone involved feel great.? On the other side of the coin, do you really want to tell others that they screwed up or that they have spinach in their teeth or their fly is open?? Probably not.? It’s awkward.

Everyone claims that they want feedback.? I had a boss who would ask, “How did I do?” after every meeting or presentation.? What he was really saying was, “Tell me how great I did.”? To do otherwise was a career limiting event.

So we hold our collective tongues.? Turns out we are all reluctant to provide helpful feedback.? We say to ourselves, “whatever, maybe someone else will tell them to lay off the garlic.”? But researchers tell us people really do want feedback even if it’s not positive.??

The best boss I ever had was brutal and would tell me I missed a spot while shaving or my clothes don’t fit or I need to do more homework or be better prepared.? His lessons are still with me.? He was not worried about my feelings, he was trying to be helpful.? That was years ago and his lessons stick with me today.

We are all sensitive to people’s feelings and the word empathy is bantered around for every circumstance.? Sometimes feedback is better given under the label of advice.? By giving advice to others we can avoid the “Why didn’t you tell me?” effect.? As in, if you were the one walking around with spinach in your teeth or toilet paper hanging out of your pants, or talking too much wouldn’t you want to know??

Still, pick your feedback opportunities carefully.