Between a boss and a hard place: the impossible balancing act of double standards

You’re expected to lead with authority but never seem too assertive. You’re supposed to mentor and support others, but heaven forbid you ask questions that seem too personal. You have to be warm and approachable, but not so much that anyone thinks you’re crossing boundaries. And you’re held accountable for every word and action, because perfection is the bare minimum.

But what does this perfect balance look like? Is it even real? Or is it an impossible standard designed to keep us second-guessing ourselves?

This relentless balancing act—known as the double bind—is one of the most pervasive challenges women face in leadership. Women are expected to embody both traditionally "masculine" traits like assertiveness and "feminine" traits like empathy, yet they are penalised for leaning too far in either direction. Assertiveness in men is seen as strong leadership; in women, it’s labelled as "bossy". Conversely, if women lean into collaboration or empathy, they risk being seen as too friendly, weak or lacking authority.

These double standards create professional roadblocks and take a significant toll on mental health. Research shows that women experience higher rates of anxiety than men, and workplace dynamics play a major role. A 2016 Columbia University study found that women facing pay inequality were four times more likely to suffer from anxiety and 2.4 times more likely to experience depression—even at high income levels. The cumulative stress of navigating these inequities contributes directly to heightened levels of anxiety among career women.

The mental health toll of double standards

The double bind forces women into exhausting cycles of self-monitoring and overperformance. They must constantly prove their competence while managing perceptions of their likability—a balance rarely demanded of men. This constant scrutiny creates chronic stress, which fuels anxiety and self-doubt.

A study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behaviour found that women in positions of authority report a 9% higher rate of depressive symptoms than women without authority, while men in similar roles experience a 10% decrease. The disparity stems from the harsher scrutiny and conflicting expectations placed on female leaders.

Women are also disproportionately burdened with emotional labour—managing their own emotions while smoothing interpersonal dynamics at work. When women express anger or frustration, they’re often judged as "unstable" or "unprofessional," while men displaying the same emotions are seen as "passionate" or "assertive." This invisible labour adds another layer of stress.

For many women, these workplace pressures are compounded by the double burden of paid work and unpaid domestic responsibilities. In Australia, women spend significantly more time on unpaid labour than men, which correlates with higher levels of stress and burnout. The Deloitte Women @ Work 2024 report revealed that 53% of women say their stress levels have increased over the past year, with nearly half feeling burned out. And the women who shun unpaid domestic labour? Well, I doubt I need to spell that out for you.

The cycle of anxiety and career advancement

Anxiety affects mental health and undermines career progression. Studies show that workplace discrimination and microaggressions erode confidence and create feelings of alienation:

• Women are more likely than men to report feeling excluded from informal networks or decision-making spaces.
• Microaggressions—such as being interrupted or having ideas dismissed—are reported by 50% of working women.
• Women who experience gender discrimination are three times more likely to report deteriorating mental health.

This cycle is particularly damaging for women from marginalised groups, who face compounded biases based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation.

Breaking the cycle: what organisations can do

The good news is that organisations have the power to address these issues and foster healthier workplaces for everyone:

• Challenge double standards: Promote diverse leadership styles by valuing both assertiveness and empathy as essential traits for leaders, regardless of gender.
• Provide mental health support: Offer tailored resources such as counselling services, mental health days, and access to employee assistance programmes. (It's a whole other article on the judgment passed on those admitting to taking up these benefits.)
• Foster equity: Address systemic barriers like pay gaps and biased promotion processes to ensure advancement recognises inherent biases.
• Normalise flexibility: Implement policies like universal childcare support and flexible working arrangements for all employees—not just women—to reduce the burden of unpaid labour.
• Encourage open dialogue: Create safe spaces for employees to discuss mental health without fear of stigma or career repercussions.

Why It matters

This is about creating workplaces where talent and potential matter most. Diverse leadership teams drive innovation, improve decision-making, and foster stronger organisational performance. Companies with inclusive cultures see higher retention rates—not just for women but for everyone.

But perhaps most importantly, addressing these double standards can help break the cycle of anxiety that holds so many talented women back. By creating workplaces where everyone can thrive authentically, we not only support mental health but also unlock the full potential of our teams.

?Please, keep asking these questions and working towards solutions. While there's been progress, there remains work to do—and by addressing these challenges head-on, we can create workplaces where everyone has the opportunity to lead authentically and equitably.