Better at Work (BAW) Ep.3: Receiving Threats

I'm not talking about threats of termination or physical threats, I'm talking about feedbacks. Yes, receiving feedbacks. But, there is a real scientific and logical reason why I phrase it as 'threats'.

Do you know that when people criticize (or so we thought) us on our ideas, thoughts, and/or actions, our brain perceive it as a mortal threat; which triggers our fight-or-flight response? Yes, we are really contemplating either to put up our fists or run down the street with our feet!

But of course if you read my last article , you knew this.

At least that is the reptile brain part of us. But this part of brain is responsible for our survival. It's fast, it's immediate, it's affecting you more than you know it. In contrast, our developed pre-frontal cortex which is responsible for decision-making, rational thinking, and among others, complex cognitive behaviours, is much, much slower. Using it requires extra energy and mental capacity.

So, most of the time, an untrained brain would succumb to the fast system 1 (As Daniel Kahnemann puts it in his book, Thinking Fast, and Slow ) and let the ape in us take charge. In the workplace, this could spell disaster. You've seen this too, I believe. Maybe even experienced it yourself. Yes!

Don't believe me, let me paint you a picture;

It is your quarterly KPI review and you're having a session with your manager. This is not your first time, so you know the content of the discussion. It is usually structured and objective, but knowing what you've achieved (or haven't) so far, you might feel either anxious to go in that room (flight), or you're preparing your excuses and justifications to counter what your manager might say (fight).

When the actual time to discuss the KPI, you might not notice this when it happens but try to remember and tell me I'm wrong; you either cross your hands, or lean more forward, but what is certain is your heart rate begins to elevate and even you now have the superpower to hear your heartbeat screaming in your ears.

Congratulations, you're human. Not even the most inspiring people like Steve Jobs or Marthin Luther King, or any of our forefathers are immune to it.

So, what to do when you're facing a feedback session?

1 - Know that it's normal

However, the workplace, is, and should be a place where we strive to be effective to achieve our goals and the organization's objectives. And what better to know that than having our work periodically reviewed? If we didn't achieve something, or not being someone we're expected to, (constructive) criticism should always be expected.

So, here's how you should've handled a feedback session. It is coming, there's no way around it. That is the first step; knowing that it's part of a normal process. You should treat this as a good opportunity for you to learn and improve. Have a mindset that a feedback session is not there to get you, but to teach you something, and you will only get better after it. turn that anxiety and fighting urges to excitement to learn.

In the book Five Stars by Carmine Gallo, after studying a lot of TED speakers and celebrated people, one of the tips he offered is just that. You have all that energy in yourself, and some might tell you to get that energy down, but it's actually better if you redirect it. Anxiety to excitement. Same level of energy, but different effect to your mind. So, go into that session with that brimming energy.

2 - Don't hold your breath

Yes, you're now radiant with energy, you're ready to learn, but how exactly should you react when the actual words are coming out of the manager's mouth?

Don't hold your breath; take deep breaths instead. I know you think that this is such a basic thing to do. I agree. But remember, we're first and foremost controlled by our instinct to fight or flee and almost often than not, though basic, a lot of us forget to do such a simple thing such as taking long breaths.

But why, though?

Well, taking long breaths actually slows down our heart rate and adrenaline that was pumping through our vein are effectively being countered. Adrenaline will trigger the part in our brain to think and act against our best judgement. Taking deep breaths counters it and thus preventing you from saying and doing things you might regret.

I hope knowing how exactly deep breaths help makes you remember them better when the time comes.

3 - Really, listen

You might be excited coming into the session, sometimes a bit too much. You've taken deep breaths, but you might still be forgetting to actually listen to the content of the feedback and observe how it is being delivered. The second part is equally important as the first. more than half of human communication is non-verbal, so you'd better look at the signs too.

When 'hearing' the words, don't forget to LISTEN to them. Do not try to recount the events and think of your rebuttal. Do not try to prove or defend yourself just yet. Give the floor to you manager 100% so that they would have their opportunity to convey their half of the conversation. Take mental notes, or actual notes, yes, sure. Even better. Make sure you get the message.

The time for questions will come later, and you should be asking a lot of them too.

4 - But did you really get it, though?

In some cases, the manager might not be doing a good job translating what they want to say, or you might not understand it fully. In this case, you have to ask clarifying questions. Let's say you're not sure what specific characteristics/skills you're lacking or things that you did wrong because there was too much ambiguity, ask questions like:

I want to understand this correctly and I'm hoping you can help me with it. When you mentioned that Sarah was not keen with my performance in the last project, can you tell me what specific thing that I could have done better, and is Sarah's view of me is shared by you?

I want to make sure we're on the same page here because I am having a difficulty to clearly visualise what is being said here. When you said that I am not up to your expectation, which areas in particular do you think I need to improve?

But when you feel like the other party is being malicious and hostile (and that's why you should observe HOW it is being delivered too), there are some phrases you could use to cover your ass without being too confrontational. Like:

This is a new information to me and nobody had told me this before and I sure want to get to the bottom of this. Can you point to me which specific past events that made me receive such a feedback? It would really be helpful if I can recall it so I could learn better from it.

Here, you're essentially asking for a proof, but in a good way. A good but maybe presently emotional manager might take a step back and indulge you with it. They would come prepared and have the answer ready. Or, at least, if they do not have an answer, their answer should be,

"I'll get back to you on that after I get a fuller picture"

Bad managers would tell you that it's relevant and that you should really take this feedback at face value.

A disclaimer though, a bad manager isn't necessarily a bad person. A bad manager is a person that is bad at managing in particular circumstances. They might be undertrained, underskilled, and/or overworked-- all of which individually or collectively contribute to their lackluster performance in giving you an effective feedback session.

5 - Summarize for action items

The manager might do it, but it is important that you do it too. Because what was conveyed might not be what was received. Summarizing on your part ensures that you really get what your manager was trying to say. And it also tells the manager that you're really serious to improve yourself.

If you want to go a step further, you can even write an email afterwards, thanking your manager and asking for next action items if you're not already suggesting it. It's good if you have some on your own, but it is completely normal to not know what you could be doing better. When in doubt, ask.

The email might sound like this:

"Hi Mr. X,

Thank you for your insightful feedback during our quaterly catch-up session. I wholeheartedly think that it is a fruitful session and I gained so much from it. During the session, you highlighted a few key points that I would like to reiterate here so I am not misunderstanding anything. Along with the key points, I would like to list down the action items for me to improve on them:

• point 1 - action item 1
• point 2 - action item 2
• point 3 - action item 3

If it wouldn't be so much of a hassle for you, would you be able to recommend additional action items for me? It would be extremely helpful for me to improve myself.

Looking forward to hearing from you."

And that's it! It's not simple, really. To do all these things, you have to fight your instinct, acute listening and comprehension skills, have the verbal acumen to ask questions during the session, and the writing skill of a professional.

However, all these skills, even individually, are extremely helpful in your career. Brush up on them and you'll see the effects almost immediately.

As always, good luck.