Improve Your Understanding to Improve Your Family's Relationships

Better Understanding Leads to Better Living with Your Children

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Would you like more insight into understanding why your children act the way they do?

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One important way to start is to understand how a child’s brain develops. Understanding this will help you to help them build new skills and allow you to connect on a deeper level with them. It helps you understand yourself better as a parent and it can lead to more positive parent-child relationships.

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When you keep your children’s development in mind, difficult moments become valuable opportunities to teach them how to thrive and become happier and healthier.

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Children are not little adults. They think differently and their understanding of the world is constantly changing as they investigate and explore. Throughout their childhood, kids experience massive brain growth especially from birth to age five and then again as a teen.

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It is important to remember they are still growing and learning. Parts of their brain are continuing to develop and do so until age 25. Recognizing the way that impacts our relationship with our kids makes it easier to give grace when we have more of an awareness of what they’re going through.

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Understanding brain development also brings greater awareness of triggers. Knowing what they are and what we can or can’t do about them increases our ability to prevent triggers from becoming “hot buttons”. Those hot buttons can become larger when we set unrealistic expectations and don’t clearly communicate our intentions and needs.

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While unacceptable behavior still needs to be addressed and there needs to be a level of accountability, knowledge of their development and how it impacts their actions provides a basis for setting the right tone for these interactions. Brain growth affects how they express themselves at different ages and their capabilities for making what we, as parents, may consider to be logical choices.

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A simple way to understand the brain

Dr. Dan Siegel, MD, is a neuroscientist who has done a lot of research on brain development of children. In his book, “The Whole Brain Child,” he explains a simple way to understand the brain and the way it functions. It is called the Hand Model of the Brain, and as is obvious from the name, it uses the hand to illustrate the different parts.

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Using your hand, fold your fingers over your thumb. This is a model of the brain. At the base of the brain is the brain stem, represented by the wrist. It is responsible for everything the body does automatically – like the heart beating, breathing, digesting food. Its function is to keep you alive.

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The folded thumb is called the amygdala. Where it touches the palm is the limbic system. They work together to keep you safe, kind of like a guard dog sensing danger and sending out signals to react. The brain stem, the amygdala, and limbic system make up the “downstairs” of the brain. These are fully formed from birth.

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When the rest of the fingers are folded over the thumb, this is called the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for decision making, managing emotions, and keeping calm. Think of it as a wise leader. It grows over time until fully functional around the age of 25. It is the “upstairs” part of the brain.

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When stress from fear, danger, or big emotions flood the downstairs brain, the upstairs brain stops functioning. The fingers folded over the palm lift and the connection is lost between the two parts of the brain. They no longer communicate effectively, control emotions, or respond reasonably. The guard dog is in charge!

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Building the staircase

It is at this moment the brain needs a break to reflect and reconnect. The goal as a parent is to increase awareness of what is happening in the brain, so you can base your response on what is going on in the moment.

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You can help your children build the connection between the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain – just like a staircase. Keep in mind the stairs will take time to become strong and sturdy. Right now, there are lots of steps missing.

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As the stairs are being built, the better children will understand their emotions and manage their reactions. In the process, you may realize you have some steps missing, too. That’s okay! With practice both you and your children can strengthen those connections in the brain. Instead of surviving tough moments, you can be in better control of your responses. You can also help your children move through these situations with more ease – with fewer meltdowns, tantrums, and outbursts.

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That’s why a pause is so important. It gives you an opportunity to remember that those neural connections in children aren’t strong yet and they aren’t able to activate the other part of the brain when emotional. This isn’t the time to tell them to use their words because they are not able to process it that way. After they have calmed down, you can talk about it, but not in the heat of the moment.

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There are generally four stages by ages that affect a child regarding brain development: up until age two or three, before middle school, middle school, and then high school. Remembering that the brain has an “upstairs” and a “downstairs” is beneficial. Life experiences shape those connections from downstairs to upstairs. And many times when there is a problem, it’s because their downstairs brain is in control. Once they’ve calmed down to understand, then it’s easier to access the upstairs brain.

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This can happen to adults too. It may come out or look a little different, but we don’t always access our upstairs brain properly either.

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Understanding the impact

Knowing how the brain develops in children also helps us to understand the impact it has on our relationship with them. The brain evolves and grows as do our relationships with our kids. Parenting is a lifelong personal development course because we grow with them. Think of it as on the job training.

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Discovering how the brain develops can give us greater understanding of ourselves, what our triggers are, and recognition that we maybe didn’t necessarily develop in the way we could have. This is not to place blame on our parents or on our kids, but to recognize where we came from and how we can choose differently, along with helping our kids to do the same. It’s modeling how to handle obstacles or problems in our lives,

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While the impact of our relationship with our own parents does come into play within our families, keep in mind not everything is about you. Learning not to take things personally can be extremely hard when your teenager is screaming at you that they hate you or one minute everything seems fine and the next minute they won’t talk to you. The key here is recognizing ways you can connect with them in ways they will enjoy.

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Overall, most parents want to do good and make a difference for their kids, but sometimes they get overwhelmed and don’t know how to fix it. They have great intentions but are confused on how to move forward. It may be related to their own experiences growing up and may not know how to take care of themselves so that they can take care of their child. It may be because they weren’t cared for properly when they were little, or they were mistreated, and they end up treating their kids the same way.

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Especially when major stressors like financial or relationship struggles happen, they may not have the tools to manage their emotions and responses. This can cause insecurity and/or instability and they find themselves doing the same things their parents did to them. But the good news is the past doesn’t mean a parent can’t change or start to take positive steps to help their kids thrive.

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Greater self-awareness builds a bridge to better decisions and living wholly.

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About the Author

Hi, I'm Mama Mindy, creator of the Positively Parenting Program.

I am on a mission to help parents:

*feel more confident in their parenting

*strengthen their family relationships

*create a calmer, more peaceful life at home

Specially created resource

Would you like to grab a copy of my Hand Model of the Brain, created to help you better understand how a child’s brain develops?

?The Hand Model of the Brain is based on the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, MD, a neuroscientist who has researched brain development in children.

?Link is in the comments.