Better Relationships - Managing Conflict

One of the things we’re sometimes, incorrectly, led to believe is that in good relationships you should be able to resolve conflicts. However, this is often not possible. According to John Gottman, almost 70% of all conflicts are NOT resolvable. So what can we do about this unsettling fact? Well, we have to learn to manage our differences, to manage our conflicts. Sometimes we won’t be able to reach an agreement, but we still need to carry on having a good relationship. Dr Gottman offers this list of 6 skills to help couples manage conflict and live happily ever after:

1. Practice physiological self-soothing - Take a timeout when conflict arises. Go for a walk, take a bath, read a book, do whatever it takes to breathe, calm down, and return to a better frame of mind. How long is the perfect amount of time for a break? According to Dr Gottman, it’s 20 minutes.

2. Use a softened startup - It’s true that conversations usually end on the same note they began, so start softly. Don’t blame your partner. It’s better to use I-statements (e.g. “I feel this way because...”). Describe what is happening and don’t forget to be polite.

3. Repair and de-escalate - Use scripted phrases like “Let me try again,” or “I don’t feel like you are understanding me right now,” and “I’m sorry” to help de-escalate and begin making repair attempts.

4. Listen to your partner’s underlying feelings and dreams - Perpetual problems between you and your partner often conceal underlying feelings and dreams that aren’t being communicated. So start by recognising what your dreams are and how you can communicate them more clearly to your partner. Second, become a better listener and seek to discover your partner’s deepest feelings and dreams. The purpose of this skill is to truly understand who your partner is deep down inside, in order to accept influence and compromise together.

5. Accept influence - Recognise that your partner has good ideas and important opinions (shocker – your way isn’t always the best way or the right way). Show respect for those opinions and find something you can learn from your partner. Take this questionnaire to see where you most need to improve when it comes to accepting influence. https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-doyou-and-your-partner-accept-each-others-influence/

6. Compromise - Compromise is an art. What’s Dr Gottman’s advice? “Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something … the important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honoured in your dreams.” So work together with your partner to find common ground and compromise that will leave you both feeling valued, respected and supported.

If you practise these 6 skills from Dr Gottman, and learn to manage conflict in positive and healthy ways, a stable and happy relationship can be in your reach.